By Ray Lesser
Are you ready for the biggest turnaround ever, America? Because I’m going to turn this country around so fast, other countries are going to get whiplash just trying to see where we went. The reason we need to keep turning around is that someone may be trying to sneak up and attack us from behind. What if it’s a tiger or a lion, or even worse, an undocumented Mexican gardener? The world is a dangerous place nowadays — even a mosquito can kill you. Even the water that comes out of your tap may do you in. Enemies are all around and Obama is just inviting in lots more of them. What we need to do is build a wall, a huge wall at the border of the country and make sure no more bad guys can get in. Then we should all move to a nice safe state like Nebraska and build another wall around that to make sure none of the bad guys who’ve already gotten in can bother us there. Then we should build a nice safe gated community and have guards with guns at the gate to make sure none of the bad guys who’ve somehow made it past the other walls can get into where we live. Then each person should have several locks on their door, and a home security system in place, in case there happen to be a few people born inside the community who turn out to be Kenyan socialists, or worse. And everyone should have a safe room inside their house, because, what the hell, you never know what kind of crazy may be coming after you. Most likely someone from the federal government, so you need to be prepared.
That means everyone in the family should be armed. Yeah, the safest family to be in is one where everyone — Gramps, Grandma, Mom, Dad, and all the kids — are locked and loaded, ready at a moment’s notice to blow away any suspicious people who happen to show their face at the door. Which could get kind of dicey for the substitute mailman or the new pizza delivery guy. But who ordered pizza anyway? Isn’t that foreign food? Why aren’t we eating good old American food? It’s time to stop all that foreign food from getting past the borders, and through the gates and locked doors of our homes. No more French fries, or Chinese wontons, and absolutely no Mexican tacos. That stuff gives me heartburn just thinking about it. Steak and potatoes and apple pie, that’s the stuff real Americans’ arteries are clogged with.
Once we’re completely safe, then we can stop being afraid. Those spineless Democrats have made us afraid of our shadows. But when I’m President, we won’t be afraid of killing anyone who stands in our way. We’ll bomb them into oblivion, bomb them until the desert sand glows in the dark. OK, that wasn’t my line originally, but now I’m the winner and the winner takes all. And I’m gonna make America a winner again, too. We’ve got all these perfectly good bombs that we’re afraid to use. Well, I’m not afraid to use them. I’m afraid that if we don’t use ours first, the bad guys will use theirs on us. We can’t let that happen, folks. We can’t rest quietly in our safe rooms, in our safe houses, in our gated communities and expect that we’re safe. Not until we obliterate all the evil in the world. So the first thing that I’ll do after I’m elected President is to declare war on evil. I will smash evil to smithereens. I will lay waste to all the garbage that’s out there. I will terrorize terrorism. I will bully the bullies of the world and swindle the swindlers. And believe me, folks, I’ve been swindling for a long time; nobody is going to out-swindle me.
When I’m President the evildoers will meet their match! I will dictate to the dictators. Yeah, they’ll be like my secretaries, trying to copy everything I say and do. I will savage the savages and brutalize the brutes. And I will victimize the victims, because the reason America is going down the tubes is this victim mentality. Poor me, boo-hoo. It’s time to get rid of those people. You want America to be great again? Then there’s only room here for great people. Led by me, of course, the greatest of them all.
When I was a kid growing up, I used to love playing with blocks. I used to love building things. But then one day I went to nursery school, and I saw another kid had taken all the blocks and built the biggest block skyscraper I had ever seen. It was magnificent. Did I cry because he had the biggest tower? No. Did I find another box of blocks and begin building my own tower, even bigger and better designed than his? No, why should I bother with that? Instead, I took my little cup of juice and spilled it down the front of his pants. Then I told the teacher and everyone else in the classroom that Johnny had peed himself. Poor little Johnny, boo-hoo, ran crying out of the classroom. As soon as he was gone, I took some more blocks and used them to spell my name out in front of that tower. And all the kids knew then that it was the best block tower that would ever be built, because now it was mine.
When you elect me President, I’ll do the same thing for America that I did for that tower. The states will rename themselves Trumpolina, and New Trumpshire, and Trumpsylvania, all essential parts of the Confederation of Trump or the Kingdom of Trump, or whatever great new name I pick. And the only people who will be allowed in will be the ones with enough money to pay for my next campaign. Because after this election, I’m through spending my own money to buy up all the best places in the world. From now on, I’ll be spending your money. And you’ll love me for it.