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Fans

By Ray Lesser

 

There are fans of sports, fans of the opera, and the fans that were used to cover up burlesque dancers hoo-hoos. But my favorite fan is the one that blows air on me when I’m dripping sweat from the summer heat. It’s amazing how moving air can cool you off so much better than stagnant air. They’re both the same temperature, but when it moves, it grooves.

And what is wind power but a giant fan running backwards? Any kid could have come up with that idea. “I’m going to build a giant fan and attach it to a rubber band and then use the rubber band to power 10,000 little fans. Then I’ll set those fans up all around my fort in an impregnable wall so that my enemies will be blown away!” Are there any other energy means that we can reverse engineer?

How about hooking up generators to the rows of stationary bikes at every health club in America? Instead of wasting that workout energy, we can turn exercise fanatics into eco-hamsters, powering the lights and the Hi-Protein Energy Drink blenders at the snack bar. Meanwhile everyone on treadmills can be running Grandma’s sewing machine and Grandpa’s big screen TV.

And if one giant fan works to create electricity, why not millions of little ones? Everyone should start assembling miniature wind turbines on their roofs, alongside their solar panels. There’s still plenty of free wind, until some giant corporation figures out a way to patent or buy up all the rights to it. With enough renewable energy devices wired together into the grid, Big Coal will soon be desperately trying to market the last few lumps of its product as “The Christmas gift of choice for the Nasty Women in your life.”

But let’s not stop there, why not a little windmill on top of each utility pole, on top of schools, on top of billboards. Right now the wind is just going to waste blowing my neighbors leaves into my yard, it’s high time we save a little of that energy to brown my toast and scramble my eggs.

Where else might there be underutilized potential energy sources? How about the toilet? Every time you flush, the water is going downhill, just like Niagara Falls. Why not build a little turbine into every toilet. I’m sure there’d be enough energy in each household every day to power a hairdryer, or at least an electric toothbrush.

One of the biggest sources of wasted energy is dogs. They’re always jumping up and running around in circles every time the doorbell rings, not to mention their ability to chase, but never catch, every squirrel in the neighborhood. Attach some sort of little battery storage device to their tails and they’ll be sure to chase it for hours a day, creating untold megawatts of electricity that could easily be used to recharge your phone so that you could text, tweet, and post videos of your dog chasing its tail.

Children could be a source of almost infinite energy. There must be some way to tap into all the world’s swing sets, merry-go-rounds, teeter-totters, and rocking horses. With new wireless energy gathering potential now being developed, it might be a simple matter of giving away light-up, power-up tennis shoes that beam all that excess energy straight into the grid for later use in heating the water for their evening baths.

Even Grandma can contribute to our clean energy future if you attach a little generator to her rocking chair. And imagine how much energy gets wasted by Grandpa searching for his glasses, keys, and half-drunk cup of coffee? Figure out a way to recycle it!

Lastly, let us not forget or ignore the endless hours of jaw-flapping and hot air produced by cable news, and talk radio networks. Why not implant a little generator in the mouth of every politician and pundit? America could probably use all that wasted energy to power a spaceship to send them all to Mars, in the name of discovery and for the good of all future generations.

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