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Bowling For Baghdad

By Ray Lesser

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Thousands of members of the International Mad Bomber And Dictator Association (IMBAD Ass.) met in Pyongyang, North Korea, last weekend for the organization’s 35th annual convention. This years speeches focused on the fight against arms-control, particularly the regulation of weapons of mass destruction. “The Security Council of the UN is in danger of falling into the hands of arms-controllers,” said General Perfvez Musharraf, IMBAD’s Vice President. “If that happens, owning a nuclear intercontinental ballistic missile could go from being a right to a privilege, and then it could be banned!”

“We can’t rest, because if you look around the world, tyrants and despots are being systematically disarmed,” said Saddam Hussein, the organization’s honorary President-for-Life. “This is the only planet in our solar system where even potentates of small starving countries have the right to their own weapons of mass-destruction. We need these weapons to defend ourselves against criminal aliens,” Saddam insisted. “Every day I receive reliable reports from my security agencies of Martian spacecraft landing near our oilfields, in an attempt to steal our precious fuels. We need a full range of weapons to protect the earth from these alien invaders! Not to mention the lizard-people that I keep seeing in my palace swimming pool.”

IMBAD is also concerned that since Sept. 11, arms-control supporters have tried to close down international weapons bazaars by arguing that terrorist organizations could buy weapons there, “But these efforts will not work,” General Musharraf said. “They’ll only affect the good, honest dictator who tests nuclear bombs for sport, not the criminals. I could take you over to a place in Peshawar where dirty bombs are sold out of the trunk of a car, cash and carry, no questions, no paperwork.”

Intentionally or not, the burden of arms-control has fallen on international weapons dealers, such as retired General Billy Blowmup. “Every government in the world has a different set of regulations,” Blowmup complained. “You can’t imagine the paperwork I’ve got to go through just to ship one guided missile. I have to administer written tests and make the buyers swear they aren’t going to attack any American embassies or even consulates. I’ve got to enter all their current addresses onto the Interpol computer system using Microsoft Windows. And the worst restriction is I’ve got to make sure nobody buys more than one thermonuclear warhead a month for personal use. I can barely keep my head above water. If things don’t ease up soon, I’m thinking of quitting and getting into shopping mall development.”

Blowmup also complains of the newly instituted Buyer Function Test. “Now I’m responsible to make sure the buyer knows how to use the safeties and abort switches, and do various other things that keep people from accidentally launching a missile. So if you blow yourself up or mistakenly destroy London or Paris, will you try to sue me? I just don’t need that kind of aggravation. I hate lawyers.”

Chairman Chong-il Kim, of North Korea, was the gracious host of this year’s IMBAD convention. “An armed society is a polite society,” he said while passing out goodie bags containing hand-grenades, and C4 plastic explosives molded into the shape of bowling balls. “We are surrounded on all sides by powerful nations who wish to exploit our poverty, and pathetic lack of natural resources or sound economic planning. Having the ability to blow up half the world in the blink of an eye gives us a stature we can’t get any other way.”

Still, even General Blowmup admits that weapons of mass destruction aren’t for everyone. “Some of these little despots can barely afford a good sized beaker of bubonic plague, let alone a computer guidance system for a drone bomber. When they come to me inquiring about the availability of anti-ballistic missiles, and then tell me their budget, I often have to ask, ‘Have you considered a home security system?'”