By Ray Lesser
CEO Union Meeting Minutes
March 1, 2005
Boss of Bosses Dick Cheney called meeting to order at 9 a.m., after first entertaining us with his impression of Jacques Chirac choking on a Big Mac.
No minutes for the Feb. meeting were presented due to a virus on secretary Bill Gates’ computer.
Bosses’ Report: Dick said that contract negotiations should start soon. Some key points to keep in mind:
1. We want more money.
2. Lots of it.
3. Our new pension plan calls for us to take all the money that’s currently in the Social Security Trust Fund and “personalize” it, if you know what I mean.
4. Whatever happened to that idea that each of us should get our own belly-dancing genie, and have our every wish be their command? Oh wait, that’s what Senators are for.
5. Solidarity Forever Committee (William Wrigley, Jr., William Clay Ford, Jr., Owsley Brown II, and August Busch III) is working on a Constitutional Amendment, that will bestow the title”Magnifico” upon each of us (along with permanent land grants and impregnable hilltop fortresses), which we can then pass along to our heirs.
Ignite the Fire! Convention, September 1-3, Teheran, Iran, Hyatt Regency (20 percent discount and guaranteed poolside room, if you reserve by June 1).
2005 Planning Topic – Popular Culture and World Domination: How to Entertain the Masses while Crushing Them into Total Submission.
New Member Update: Winthrop Wattlesworth III, CEO of Wildlife Refuge Oil, has accepted our invitation to join the Board and will fill the spot vacated by Ken Lay, who is still under house arrest pending the outcome of his appeal.
Treasurer’s Report: J.J. Rockefeller distributed the 2005 budget, and noted that if all goes well the current deficit will change to a surplus of $2,847.41 in September 2092. Also, he received pricing on the embroidered logo bowling shirts and will forward this information to everyone who expressed an interest in joining the Thursday night league.
Grievances: Reuben Mark (Colgate), who has the highest reported compensation package of any CEO in the Union ($148 million) once again complained about Steve Jobs’ (Apple Computer) salary ($1). “You’re turning greed into a dirty word!” he shouted, and had to be restrained from going after Jobs with a length of Teflon-reinforced dental floss.
Scott Livengood (Krispy Kreme) complained that by the time he comes in to work his staff has already eaten all the chocolate glazed doughnuts in the break room, and he usually winds up getting stuck with a raspberry jelly doughnut.
S. Robson Walton (Wal-Mart) said he’s sick and tired of having to get all his products made by slave-labor in Asia, and wants to know when the rest of us will get behind his plan to allow China to buy and annex certain underutilized states, such as North Dakota and Rhode Island, to shorten the supply pipelines.
Locks for Love Campaign: Our campaign to ensure that prematurely balding Union members have the best possible chance to pass on their DNA has reached its goal. Special thanks go to Carly Fiorina of Hewlett-Packard who donated 12 inches of hair, Meg Whitman of eBay who donated 10 inches of hair, and Donald Trump, who donated two toupees, and a half-bottle of Obsession cologne.
Ad Campaign: Due to poor publicity received by several members recently indicted for crimes ranging from embezzling art to burning and pillaging the rainforest, it was proposed that we create a new ad campaign to convince the public that CEOs are the all-knowing, all-powerful heroes of the New American Empire. Yet we remain completely in touch with our union brothers and sisters, the Common People.
Michael Eisner suggested an animated campaign featuring ducks, mice, dogs, and lovable monsters, smoking cigars and dressed in Armani suits, handing out dividend checks to common men/women/children on Main Street, USA.
J.W. Marriott, Jr., suggested an ad featuring his hotel in Hawaii and a jingle containing the phrase “Get lei’d.”
Neither idea was considered for adoption. Dick encouraged members to continue working on this project.
TV Shows: Due to continuing success of The Apprentice, it was decided to develop a new CEO reality series for next season, Shut Up and Do What I Tell You! Each episode will feature a day in the life of one of our members as they try their best to cope with incompetent minions, crush adversaries, yet still make it to the club by 6 for cocktails. If this does well in the ratings, we might expand to five nights a week, or even have our own 24-hour cable channel – The Boss Network.
A motion to adjourn was made by Warren Buffett (Berkshire-Hathaway) so he could go and count his money again. Motion was seconded by Phil Knight (Nike), who said he needed to do it, and passed by acclamation.