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Funny Times February 2017 Issue

February 2017 Issue Cover
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Cartoons About 
2016 in Review . Money . Valentine’s Day . Coloring Books . Teeth . and more!

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With cartoons by: Isabella Bannerman, Clay Bennett, Daniel Beyer, Bizarro, Harry Bliss, Ruben Bolling, Matt Bors, David Cohen, Jack Compère, Dave Coverly, J.C. Duffy, Tim Eagan, Martha Gradisher, Buddy Hickerson, Jeff Hobbs, Keith Knight, Ken Krimstein, Tim Lachowski, Mary Lawton, Carol Lay, Brian McFadden, P.S. Mueller, Jack Ohman, Drew Panckeri, Joel Pett, Rina Piccolo, K.A. Polzin, Hilary Price, Maria Scrivan, Jen Sorensen, Mark Stivers, Ward Sutton, Tom Toles, Tom Tomorrow, P.C. Vey, Matt Wuerker, Zippy . . . and lots more!

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Self Service

By Ray Lesser

I used to have a job pumping gas, as did millions of other young men of my generation. For many, this was an entry-level path to becoming a mechanic, or perhaps one day, a service station owner. Continue reading

Funny Times August 2015 Issue

Funny Times August 2015 Issue

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Cartoons About …
Summer . Medicine . Recycling . Dogs . Aging . Indulging . and more!

Cartoons by: Isabella Bannerman, Clay Bennett, Bizarro, Harry Bliss, Ruben Bolling, Matt Bors, Dave Coverly, J.C. Duffy, Tim Eagan, Randy Glasbergen, Martha Gradisher, Patrick Hardin, Buddy Hickerson, Jeff Hobbs, George Jartos, John Kastner, Ham Khan, Keith Knight, Mary Lawton, Carol Lay, Brian McFadden, Chris Monroe, P.S. Mueller, Joel Pett, Rina Piccolo, K.A. Polzin, Hilary Price, Maria Scrivan, Andy Singer, Barbara Smaller, Jen Sorensen, Mark Stivers, Ward Sutton, Tom Toles, Tom Tomorrow, P.C. Vey, Dan Wasserman, Shannon Wheeler, Zippy … and lots more!

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Service With A Smile

By Ray Lesser

Please enter your password. I’m sorry, we have no record of you in our system. Therefore you do not exist. If you wish to exist, please go to your preferences menu and reset your existence. Need help? Please send a message to our help desk and we will get back to you. Or maybe not. Continue reading

Funny Times February 2015 Issue

February 2015 Issue Cover

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Cartoons about:
2014 . Valentines . Illness . Aging . and more!

Cartoons by: Isabella Bannerman, Clay Bennett, Bizarro, Harry Bliss, Matt Bors, Ruben Bolling, Martin Bucella, Tom Cheney, Dave Coverly, Derf, J.C. Duffy, Samuel Ferri, Anne Gibbons, Randy Glasbergen, Martha Gradisher, Buddy Hickerson, David Horsey, George Jartos, John Jonik, Ham Khan, Keith Knight, Mary Lawton, Carol Lay, Chris Monroe, P.S. Mueller, Joel Pett, K.A. Polzin, Hilary Price, Ted Rall, Flash Rosenberg, Maria Scrivan, Andy Singer, Barbara Smaller, Jen Sorensen, Mark Stivers, Ward Sutton, Tom Swick, Tom Toles, Tom Tomorrow, Tom Toro, P.C. Vey, Dan Wasserman, Shannon Wheeler, Matt Wuerker … and lots more!

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Funny Times November 2014 Issue

November 2014 Issue Cover

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Cartoons about:
Thanksgiving . Opinions . Geniuses . Selfies . and more

Cartoons by: Isabella Bannerman, Lynda Barry, Clay Bennett, Meg Biddle, Bizarro, Harry Bliss, Matt Bors, Martin Bucella, Daryl Cagle, Jack Compère, Dave Coverly, Derf, Tim Eagan, Bob Eckstein, David Fitzsimmons, Randy Glasbergen, Martha Gradisher, Judy Horacek, David Horsey, George Jartos, Ham Khan, Keith Knight, Mary Lawton, Carol Lay, Tim Lockley, Scott Masear, Brian McFadden, Chris Monroe, Steve Moore, P.S. Mueller, Mark Parisi, Rina Piccolo, K.A. Polzin, Hilary Price, Ted Rall, Maria Scrivan, Andy Singer, Jen Sorensen, Mick Stevens, Mark Stivers, Tom Toles, Tom Tomorrow, P.C. Vey, Dan Wasserman, Shannon Wheeler, Zippy … and lots more!

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Funny Times February 2010 Issue

Funny Times February 2010 issue cover

Cartoons about:
Art . Valentines . Year in Review . Business . Fairy Tales . Food . Heaven and Hell . Memory

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Cartoons by: Isabella Bannerman, Bizarro, Harry Bliss, Ruben Bolling, Bruce Bolinger, Dave Coverly, Derf, Tim Eagan, Bob Eckstein, Randy Glasbergen, Martha Gradisher, George Jartos, John Jonik, Ham Khan, Keith Knight, Peter Kuper, Mary Lawton, Carol Lay, Chris Monroe, Carlos Montage, P.S. Mueller, Jack Ohman, Rina Piccolo, K.A. Polzin, Hilary Price, Ted Rall, Maria Scrivan, Andy Singer, David Sipress, Jen Sorensen, Mark Stivers, Tom Toles, Tom Tomorrow, P.C. Vey, Shannon Wheeler, Matt Wuerker, Zippy … and lots more!

 

In This Issue:

Art Appreciation
By Garrison Keillor

Eight Things Marriage Has Taught Me
By Janet Periat

Dave Barry’s Year in Review: Crossing Our Fingers After 2009

The Top Ten Comedic News Stories of 2009
By Will Durst

If You Are What You Eat, What Are the British?
By Bruce Cameron

Curmudgeon Looks At The Great Beyond
Compiled by Jon Winokur

Vague Remembrances of Things Past
By Ira Bloom

The Borowitz Report

Extinction, Innovation and the Sad Future of Lettuce
By Lenore Skenazy

Great Ideas for 2010
by Ray Lesser

PLUS:

News of the Weird
Harper’s Index
Cartoon Playground
The Week Contest
Plus a full page of Business Cartoons

Happy New Year 2010

Funny Business – Better Business Advice From The President Of Funny Times

By Ray Lesser

Last year, our company, The Funny Times, made $38.7 billion more than General Motors. Or to put it another way, we lost $38.7 billion less than General Motors. Continue reading

A CEO’s Secrets of Power

By Ray Lesser

Recently I was asked to be on a panel at the local university about the topic “What’s it like to be a CEO?” Members of the panel included the chairman of a technology company with a market cap of over $250 million, a woman who sold her thermoplastic start-up last year for multi-millions and just founded a new company to develop improved rechargeable batteries, the head of a biotech firm that is developing proprietary stem cell based therapies targeted for the treatment of ischemia, and me, President of Funny Times. The audience was filled with the kind of students I had never come across when I was in college struggling to get my B.A. in General Studies: graduate business majors dressed in suits and ties, with clipboards and briefcases, looking for all the world like the masters of the universe they intended to someday be. Here are some of the secrets of power I might have shared with them, if they had bothered to ask me any questions:

Before you can conquer the world, you must first figure out how to get your children to go to school.

For me the most difficult part in becoming a successful CEO has been to get up super-early every morning, in order to allow enough time to rouse, prod, cajole, coerce, beg, and bribe my children to get up and go to school. I recommend that anyone who wants to be a CEO be required to take at least a one semester course where they are forced to live with two or three elementary school age kids, and see if they can successfully wash, dress, feed, organize, motivate, lunch pack, crisis solve (and there’s guaranteed to be some crisis EVERY morning), get them out the door and still make their 9 am Strategic Planning seminar. If you have the mettle to successfully pass this test (and make sure that the kids pass all their tests), then you might have what it takes to control the markets in Europe or China. And believe me, China doesn’t scream half as loud as a five-year-old who doesn’t want to go to school.

Your employees know more than you do, they’re just afraid to tell you.

Whenever there is a really bad problem, the boss is the last person to know. But this is usually for the best because if he knew he’d just freak out, and find a way to delay coming up with a workable solution. Ninety-five percent of all business disasters get solved before the boss is any the wiser. The remaining 5 percent are probably unsolvable, but working on them makes us bosses feel as though we’re doing something important.

The customer is always right, except when he’s a real jerk.

To be successful in business you’ve got to do everything you can to keep the customer satisfied. But with some people, that’s not good enough. Maybe these few people are just not destined to be your customers. Let them be somebody else’s customers, preferably your competitors’. The more time your competition has to spend dealing with these jerks, the less time they’ll have to try to steal your nice customers.

Hire other people to do the jobs that you don’t want to do.

There are reasons why you don’t want to do some jobs. Maybe you were never any good at fixing the toilet or maybe you’ve fixed it so many times that you’d rather mop up the floor after it overflows, just to break up the monotony. When a job stops being fun, or at least interesting, it’s time to let someone else have a turn at it. You’ll be happy to do something else, and they’ll be happy to have a job.

Don’t surf the Internet until one hour after eating.

The Internet can be a dangerous place, and many people who have failed to take this warning have gotten severe cramps, or worse, were attacked by the sharks who prey on drowsy surfers.

Your loyal customers are the best ads that money can’t buy.

You want your company to be appreciated for who you really are and what you actually do, not some slick concept worked up by the minds of an ad agency. If you can fool customers with great advertising, then you wind up with customers who are fools. On the other hand, since most people don’t expect honesty in business anymore, if your company practices it, your customers will be so amazed they’ll want to tell all their friends about you.

Sometimes it’s better to lay down on the ground than fall off the ladder.

Richard Nixon once said, “A man is not finished when he is defeated. He is finished when he quits.” And then he quit. Some people think they have to incessantly keep climbing the ladder of success, or else they’ll never attain their goals. But if your ladder isn’t properly secured and there’s a windstorm, or a special prosecutor with lots of witnesses, you may be destined to fall back to earth with a painful thud. Not everyone is destined to climb to the top. And laying on the grass staring up at the clouds can be quite a pleasant experience if you don’t fall off a rickety ladder to arrive there.

Footprints on the sands of time are not made by sitting down. And the same goes for footprints on the copy machine.

I’m not exactly sure why this is good advice, but I like saying it anyway. I’ve never actually seen footprints on our Funny Times copier, but since I have seen the kind of prints that come from sitting down, nothing would surprise me.

Mueller_Serious

The CEO’s Union

By Ray Lesser

CEO Union Meeting Minutes

March 1, 2005

Boss of Bosses Dick Cheney called meeting to order at 9 a.m., after first entertaining us with his impression of Jacques Chirac choking on a Big Mac.

No minutes for the Feb. meeting were presented due to a virus on secretary Bill Gates’ computer.

Bosses’ Report: Dick said that contract negotiations should start soon. Some key points to keep in mind:

1. We want more money.

2. Lots of it.

3. Our new pension plan calls for us to take all the money that’s currently in the Social Security Trust Fund and “personalize” it, if you know what I mean.

4. Whatever happened to that idea that each of us should get our own belly-dancing genie, and have our every wish be their command? Oh wait, that’s what Senators are for.

5. Solidarity Forever Committee (William Wrigley, Jr., William Clay Ford, Jr., Owsley Brown II, and August Busch III) is working on a Constitutional Amendment, that will bestow the title”Magnifico” upon each of us (along with permanent land grants and impregnable hilltop fortresses), which we can then pass along to our heirs.

Ignite the Fire! Convention, September 1-3, Teheran, Iran, Hyatt Regency (20 percent discount and guaranteed poolside room, if you reserve by June 1).

2005 Planning Topic – Popular Culture and World Domination: How to Entertain the Masses while Crushing Them into Total Submission.

New Member Update: Winthrop Wattlesworth III, CEO of Wildlife Refuge Oil, has accepted our invitation to join the Board and will fill the spot vacated by Ken Lay, who is still under house arrest pending the outcome of his appeal.

Treasurer’s Report: J.J. Rockefeller distributed the 2005 budget, and noted that if all goes well the current deficit will change to a surplus of $2,847.41 in September 2092. Also, he received pricing on the embroidered logo bowling shirts and will forward this information to everyone who expressed an interest in joining the Thursday night league.

Old Business

Grievances: Reuben Mark (Colgate), who has the highest reported compensation package of any CEO in the Union ($148 million) once again complained about Steve Jobs’ (Apple Computer) salary ($1). “You’re turning greed into a dirty word!” he shouted, and had to be restrained from going after Jobs with a length of Teflon-reinforced dental floss.

Scott Livengood (Krispy Kreme) complained that by the time he comes in to work his staff has already eaten all the chocolate glazed doughnuts in the break room, and he usually winds up getting stuck with a raspberry jelly doughnut.

S. Robson Walton (Wal-Mart) said he’s sick and tired of having to get all his products made by slave-labor in Asia, and wants to know when the rest of us will get behind his plan to allow China to buy and annex certain underutilized states, such as North Dakota and Rhode Island, to shorten the supply pipelines.

Locks for Love Campaign: Our campaign to ensure that prematurely balding Union members have the best possible chance to pass on their DNA has reached its goal. Special thanks go to Carly Fiorina of Hewlett-Packard who donated 12 inches of hair, Meg Whitman of eBay who donated 10 inches of hair, and Donald Trump, who donated two toupees, and a half-bottle of Obsession cologne.

New Business

Ad Campaign: Due to poor publicity received by several members recently indicted for crimes ranging from embezzling art to burning and pillaging the rainforest, it was proposed that we create a new ad campaign to convince the public that CEOs are the all-knowing, all-powerful heroes of the New American Empire. Yet we remain completely in touch with our union brothers and sisters, the Common People.

Michael Eisner suggested an animated campaign featuring ducks, mice, dogs, and lovable monsters, smoking cigars and dressed in Armani suits, handing out dividend checks to common men/women/children on Main Street, USA.

J.W. Marriott, Jr., suggested an ad featuring his hotel in Hawaii and a jingle containing the phrase “Get lei’d.”

Neither idea was considered for adoption. Dick encouraged members to continue working on this project.

TV Shows: Due to continuing success of The Apprentice, it was decided to develop a new CEO reality series for next season, Shut Up and Do What I Tell You! Each episode will feature a day in the life of one of our members as they try their best to cope with incompetent minions, crush adversaries, yet still make it to the club by 6 for cocktails. If this does well in the ratings, we might expand to five nights a week, or even have our own 24-hour cable channel – The Boss Network.

A motion to adjourn was made by Warren Buffett (Berkshire-Hathaway) so he could go and count his money again. Motion was seconded by Phil Knight (Nike), who said he needed to do it, and passed by acclamation.