By Ray Lesser
Why, you may ask, does television need a Lunatic Channel, when it already has the Fox News Channel? True, most of Fox’s shows are hosted by lunatics, but are they certifiable? (Hmm, that might make for interesting programming: Invite some psychiatrists onto the evening diatribes and watch as they try to persuade the hosts to come in for treatment.) However, the right-wing nuts who want to arrest everyone or blow up the world to make it safe for wealthy Republicans are just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to insanity. There are way more crazy people out there, representing a much larger demographic, and they deserve their own channel too.
An argument can be made that the only reason all those right-wing wacko shows are on, is because they get good ratings, which enables the networks to sell more SUVs, bulletproof vests, hemorrhoid cream, laxatives, and whatever else this segment of the population needs for its ongoing paranoia and pain relief. The main question at the networks has always been, “Will this sell more beer?” which is why there are twenty seven cable channels devoted exclusively to football, wrestling, car racing, and Baywatch. The Lunatic Channel might not be able to sell much beer, but it surely would be great at attracting the perfect audience for Librium, Lithium, Valium, Prozac, and a host of other pharmaceuticals.
Here’s a lineup of some of the shows you might see, when the Lunatic Channel finally gets its would-be audience on the couch:
The Performance Art Theatre Each week performance artists from around the world bring you their latest presentations. This week, Jane White, sick of more than a decade of monthly visits from pamphleteering Jehovah’s Witnesses, finally snaps. Sunday morning she bangs on the door of the Kingdom Hall where the sect is having its services, then invites herself in and starts offering Performance Art pamphlets to the congregation.
The Alien Abduction Show An all star cast including Paula Jones, John Rocker, and Zsa Zsa Gabor recreates The Little Rock Anal Probe of 1999. Next week: ALIENS ARE ABDUCTING OUR PANTS! (Repeat)
What’s My Psychosis? A guest patient comes on the show and our panel of psychiatrists try to guess his current diagnosis. If the patient stumps the doctors, he gets a free one-month stay at the facility of his choice.
The New Age Exorcise Workout Sandy Shaman exorcises a ghost from her stationary bike.
Cloning Jesus Charlie’s Avenging Angels are no longer willing to rely on hope and prayer, waiting around futilely for Jesus to return. Not when they have the technology to bring him back right now! Tonight’s episode-Hijacking the Shroud of Turin.
The Donald Rumsfeld Show What are we going to do with the Al Qaeda prisoners? Keep them caged in Cuba for the rest of their lives, where they are outside all national and international laws on an island we have no diplomatic relations with? Put them in a maximum security psychiatric facility until they cease their suicidal tendencies, and the CIA can brainwash them to be counter-terrorists? I know, let’s implant an electronic tracking chip in their butts, and let them go. Then, they’ll lead us right back to the nests of other Al Qaeda members, and we can arrest them all and put them in cages in Cuba for the rest of….
The Freudian Analysis Hour Every weekday at 11 a.m., Max Besserlach comes in for his one hour appointment with the Doctor. Similar to the courtroom drama of the O.J. Simpson trial, we get to be firsthand witnesses to the Psychoanalysis of the Century, as Max tells the Doctor about his dreams, his childhood, and his peptic ulcer.
My Favorite Syndromes In tonight’s episode, the kids decide to give Dad a special Father’s Day treat, by doing everything Dad tells them to without arguing or talking back. Unfortunately, this triggers Capgras’ Syndrome, a condition which causes Dad to believe that his children have been replaced by imposters.
Lunatic Sports Our obsessed reporter spent all summer at the Harvard football field, wearing a black-and-white striped shirt and tossing bird seed around while blowing a whistle so that when football season began, every time the referee blew his whistle during the first home game, the field was suddenly covered with hungry birds. See a replay of the football game that was banned by both ESPN and The Nature Channel.