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Author Archives: Ray Lesser

Smart People Don’t Pay Taxes

By Ray Lesser

This year I’m thinking of not paying any taxes because really smart people like our President don’t pay taxes, and I want to be a really smart person, too. The whole tax system is just extortion by a bunch of out of control government bureaucrats. What benefit do I get from any of the taxes I pay? Continue reading


By Ray Lesser


There are fans of sports, fans of the opera, and the fans that were used to cover up burlesque dancers hoo-hoos. But my favorite fan is the one that blows air on me when I’m dripping sweat from the summer heat. It’s amazing how moving air can cool you off so much better than stagnant air. They’re both the same temperature, but when it moves, it grooves. Continue reading

First Impressions

By Ray Lesser


The first thing I noticed about Gracie was her eyes. One was green and one was blue, kind of like she couldn’t make up her mind, so she was trying out both of them to see which one she liked better. It was hard to look straight at her without getting cross-eyed myself. In some people this eye thing would be a flaw, but it only added to her magnificence. She had such a bright style and a commanding way of presenting herself, she radiated good vibes to the point where I felt like I’d just stepped out of the sauna after a full body massage. Continue reading

A Short History Of Humankind

By Ray Lesser

Years ago

13.5 billion       Atoms and molecules appear. First Chemistry test.

4.5 billion        Formation of planet Earth. First yard sale.

3.8 billion        Emergence of organisms. First singles bar opens. Continue reading

The Inaction Model of Action

By Ray Lesser

Or, How To Let Problems Take Care Of Themselves

People often ask me, “How come you always look so calm and centered? I’ve seen your desk and it’s piled with stacks of bills, manuscripts, clown noses, leftover food containers, plumbing parts … I just don’t understand how someone with so much on their plate can approach their life with so much serenity. What’s your secret?” Continue reading

Book of the Month Club

By Ray Lesser

Two weeks ago I got a call from my Aunt Ada to come help her. “I knew this day would come,” she says. “I’ve run out of room on my bookshelves. Also, if you’re coming over anyway, bring me a Swiss chocolate bar.” Continue reading

Do It Yourself Instructions

By Ray Lesser

A sukkah is the temporary hut in our backyard that my family rebuilds and has our meals in for a week every fall. This is to commemorate the time when our people wandered for forty years in the wilderness and lived without screened windows to keep the flies and mosquitoes out of our houses. Our family sukkah was purchased many years ago as a kit, and is assembled each year in much the same way as an IKEA shelf unit might be, if an IKEA shelf unit measured 8 x 8 x 16 feet and you had lost the instructions on how to put it together ten years ago. So this year I’ve written my own set of updated instructions, to make sure I never again forget how to put this thing together. Continue reading

Paper Towels

By Ray Lesser

Paper towels take up almost an entire section of grocery store shelves, even more than pickles or canned tuna fish, and yet we know so little about how this came to be. Today we examine the very important question: Where did paper towels come from? Continue reading

The Grandson

By Ray Lesser

Samson has baskets full of toys at Grandpa’s house but none of them is as interesting as his rock. Samson carries his rock around and pounds it on the floor and furniture. Continue reading

Best Bicycle Practices

By Ray Lesser

When I was a kid, riding bikes was something you only did until you could get your hands on the keys to a car. Because, face it, you were never going to get laid on the back seat of a Schwinn. Continue reading