When Walt asked me out, he said I should cook and he’d bring
the entertainment. Turned out he was an Amway salesman. The “entertainment”
was their packaged presentation. It wasn’t enough that I’d
cooked; he wanted me to buy his detergent, too.
— Amy, 30, Baltimore, MD
For our first date, I invited Joe to dinner. He brought Tupperware,
to take home the leftovers.
— Sophie, 55, Cherry Hill, NJ
When she opened the door, I was expecting her to be someone else.
I’d met her and her girlfriend at the same time and I’d
intended to call the other one. I got their names mixed up. I tried
to explain, and she threw me out.
— Ethan, 23, Boca Raton, FL
I hired a guy to write a brochure for work. The guy messed up the
job and missed the deadline, so I chewed him out and fired him —
and guess who my blind date was the next Saturday night?
— Dodie, 36, Galveston, TX
I got fixed up with the same guy twice. He was just as boring the
second time. The first date was so dull that neither of us had even
remembered the other’s name.
— Marcia, 35, Washington, DC
Amber’s mother came with us on our date. It started out that
she asked if I could drop her mom at her apartment, but on the way,
Mama mentioned that she was dying for a steak, and before I knew it,
I was watching her chow down on a blood-red New York strip. She and
Amber chattered and yammered. They had a grand time. I didn’t
get a word in edgewise, until the waitress asked who’d take the
check.
—Webster, 29, Knoxville, TN
Her mom entertained me in the living room, explained that Justine
was running late, finishing with an earlier “appointment”
in the family room. Her mom explained that Justine was systematic,
determined to get what she wanted, and had lined up two or three dates
a night until she’d found the right man.
—Floyd, 24, Cincinnati, OH
We went to her apartment. Everything was blue. Walls, carpet, counters.
Towels, plates, bedding, curtains, furniture. The artwork had blue
tones. She had a sculpture, some kind of blue glass. I went to the
bathroom. Her toothbrush was blue. It was then that I noticed what
she was wearing — blue clothes. Blue nail polish. There was something
wrong.
—Dean, 20, Charlotte, NC
She hadn’t worn her glasses, so I had no idea she needed them.
When she put Parmesan cheese instead of sugar in her tea, I thought,
well, both shakers look alike — it could happen to anyone. But
when she came back from the ladies’ room and sat with the guy
in the next booth, I figured something was wrong. Turns out she had
no idea what I looked like. He was dressed in the same colored shirt,
so she figured he was me. She couldn’t see a thing.
—Rick, 40, Dover, DE
Our date was like a job interview. He wanted to know what I wanted
from life, where I wanted to be in five years, ten years. Which I
valued more: security or opportunity. He asked me to write my epitaph.
I said, “Here lies Marilyn. She dated her share of jerks.”
He laughed.
—Marilyn, 34, Houston, TX
Jay was quiet. No that’s not it, Jay didn’t speak. He could,
he just didn’t. If you enjoyed dead silence, he’s the guy
for you. When I wanted chitchat, I had to create it myself. He was
an excellent listener. But when I ran out of monologue, there was
Jay, with no response. After our date, he called me on the phone,
said hello, and waited for me to talk.
—Sara, 26, Chicago, IL
She worried about everything. If she looked okay. If her hair looked
good. If she was dressed right. If she was too late. If we’d
be on time. If there was too much traffic. If I was driving too fast.
If they’d hold the reservation. If the meat would be too rare,
if she’d ordered too much, if I was spending too much, if she
was getting fat. During dinner she worried about the ozone layer,
the gorillas, the situation in Iraq. She worried that, while we were
eating dinner, rain forests were being chopped or burned down. She
even worried that she was worrying too much and spoiling our date.
—Mel, 41, San Francisco, CA
Sherrie talked constantly — while riding, while watching the
movie, while chewing her pizza. I finally got her to shut up by kissing
her, but she waited until we took a breather and picked up her monologue
exactly where she left off. At the very word.
—Bruce, 44, Wilmington, DE
Pam suggested that we “share” dessert, a piece of apple
pie a la mode. I managed to dive in once, while she was chewing, and
I got a taste of ice cream with a little bit of crust. But the way
she attacked that plate, I was afraid to try for more. Truly, her
fork was a weapon. It was dangerous to get between Pam and her pie.
—Dennis, 42, Tampa, FL
He spent our whole dinner talking on his portable phone. His office,
his broker, his client, his four-year-old son, his ex-wife. I entertained
myself by ordering more food and drinks. I had two desserts. Finally,
sitting across the table, I called him from my portable. He laughed
and said he’d get back to me.
—Angie, 33, Coral Gables, FL
He’s a dentist and he collects old dentistry equipment. All over
his house, like works of art. I don’t mean just old chairs and
skinny little drawers. He has mirrors, the pliers, picks, hammers,
and he loves to show them to you, discuss how they were used —
it reminded me of a torture chamber.
—Lenore, 33, Boston, MA
Dave asked me over for dinner. When I got there, he told me to “make
myself at home,” and then he pumped iron in the basement for
an hour. After that he took a shower. It was like he didn’t know
I was there. I didn’t get upset; I made long-distance calls.
At least, when the bills come, he’ll know.
—Dena, 34, Chicago, IL
Faye had lists of everything. She had them with her — a list
for the supermarket, a list of chores, a list of people to call, a
list of bills to pay. She even had a list of what she had to do that
day, including our date — a schedule. And she checked items off
one by one as we did them. Get picked up at 7:00. Check. Movie, 7:20.
Check. At the door, we kissed, and I reminded her to check it off
the list.
—William, 43, Lancaster, PA
Paul videotapes everything. Every place we go, he takes the damn videocam,
and extra batteries and cassettes. But he doesn’t just tape places.
If I want to discuss something important — like our relationship
— he tells me to wait till he checks the sound levels, and to
talk directly to the lens. He says he’s working on a documentary
of his life.
—Casey, 19, Selma, AL
I went to use the bathroom in Wes’ apartment. He didn’t
tell me he had a boa constrictor in his bathtub. He waited to hear
me scream. He thought this was a hoot.
—Rita, 42, New York, NY
On our way to a concert, we’re stopped, pulled over by the police.
Seems we’re driving a stolen vehicle. Seems Leroy forgot to tell
his roommate he was borrowing his car.
—Keera, 19, Milwaukee, WI
How cheap was he? He didn’t want to pay for a parking lot, so
he parked on the street. And, guess what, he got a parking ticket.
Stan cursed and said no way was he going to pay it. Then he put it
on the windshield of the car parked behind him. I reminded him that
the ticket had his license plate number on it. He said, “Yeah,
but you never know — nobody reads parking tickets. The guy might
just pay it.”
—Nancy, 23, Boston, MA
Griffin declared that, with AIDS and all, it was necessary to be completely
open. Then he proceeded to tell me his entire sexual history. But
after I heard the details of all his exploits, I didn’t want
to go out with him anymore. Hell, I didn’t even want him to sit
on my sofa.
—Jean, 36, Amherst, MA
I’d slipped my hand under her sweater and suddenly a flashbulb
goes off, right in my face. Her little brother pops out from behind
the easy chair with his camera and, as my date is strangling him,
offers to sell me the negatives. That kid’s gonna go somewhere.
He’ll be somebody, if he lives long enough.
—Len, 21, Fort Myers, FL
I really liked Heather, but no matter how we positioned ourselves,
our noses were in the way. It just wasn’t meant to be.
—Wesley, 27, Wichita, KS
Julie’s mother called while we were in bed. She not only answered
the phone; she talked to her mother while we were in the act. And
she managed both activities quite well. It was a little disappointing,
though, to hear her tell her mom that nothing was new and she wasn’t
doing anything special.
—Walter, 28, Norwich, CT
Bob told me that doing it in his car made him feel like he was back
in high school. It gave him that excitement of doing something naughty
and dangerous. So there we were: oldies on the radio, the steering
wheel in my ribs. Just like in high school. And the cops came. They
busted us, just like in high school.
—Wendy, 25, Ames, IA
Lying in bed, Lois asked me if I was rich. I told her I wasn’t.
She sighed and was quiet for a while. Then she said, “I guess
it’s all right. Rich guys are mostly jerks, anyhow.” I was
falling asleep when she spoke again. “Do you think you might
get rich? I mean, someday?”
—Keith, 28, Houston, TX
She wanted to videotape us in bed. She got out her camera and tripod,
and set everything up. This was fine with me until she laughed, “Someday,
when you’re famous I’ll be able to blackmail you.”
She swore she was joking, but that was the end of that.
—Paul, 27, New York, NY
He took me to dinner and asked, by candlelight, if I wanted children.
I said, “Yes.” He asked me if I wanted to get married. Tears
in my eyes, I said, “Yes.” He said, “Well you and I
want different things. I don’t want to hold you back.” I
thought he was proposing; he thought he was breaking up with me.
—Catty, 26, York, PA
Everett gave a whole speech about how it wasn’t me, it was him.
I was great. He just wasn’t ready to settle down. I was perfect;
he was immature. This was our second date. Count ‘em: one, two.
There was nothing to break up from. But apparently, this was his idea
of a long-term relationship.
—Emma, 27, New York, NY
What I learned from dating Janie is don’t — I mean do not
— get your teeth cleaned by a dental hygienist after you’ve
stopped seeing her.
—Jeff, 34, Albuquerque, NM
His family wanted us to break up because we have different cultural
backgrounds and different religions. They tried to bribe him with
a trip to Europe or Hawaii. A new motorcycle. Money. Whatever he wanted.
After we finally broke up, I saw him driving a Jag. At least I know
what I was worth.
—Theresa, 27, San Diego, CA
Bob was too good to be true; he flattered me constantly. I thought
he was in love with me. We went out every Saturday night for a month
— until he slipped up and raved about the movie we’d seen
the week before, except that I’d never seen it. Turns out he
was dating six other women, one for every day of the week, doing a
number on all of us. He said, “What are you upset about? You
got Saturday nights. Prime time. The others’d kill for that spot.”
—Sharon, 39, Boston, MA
After our second date, James told me that he was actually bisexual
and, since I wasn’t interested in my ex-husband anymore, would
I mind if he called him?
—Autumn, 38, Lexington, KY
Max approached me at a friend’s party, saying, “This may
sound crazy, but I feel as if I already know you. It’s as if
I’m going to marry you.” It did sound crazy, but I spent
the evening with him. We stayed out until three, and when he took
me home, he proposed. I told him we’d sleep on it. Max stayed
on my sofa. When I woke up the next morning, I found no Max, just
a note from my roommate. She said she hoped I’d understand, but
she’d run off with him. Seems Max told her that he felt as if
he already knew her, as if he was going to marry her.
—Lorene, 41, Framingham, MA
