By Ray Lesser
Woodstock Farm: Come for 3 Days, Stay Forever!
Baby boomers wait no longer, the time has finally come to get back to the land! Nestled in the rolling hills of upstate New York, Woodstock Farm offers a unique, affordable second childhood for boomers from near and far and every walk of life, from hippies to yuppies, freaks to geeks, shamans to insurance salesmen.
At Woodstock Farm, your dream of dropping out of the rat race can finally become a reality. We have something to fit every budget:
Star Performer’s Hotel: Luxury (independent) living in private suites with all the perks a headliner deserves, including breakfast in bed, fawning personal attendant, laundress, maid and room service drug delivery. A full staff of health professionals is on-call to pamper and soothe you physically, mentally, and spiritually so that you can always look your best for your groupies.
Backstage Pass Village: Have your own private “dressing room” and share in the endless backstage party! All-organic buffet style meals and impromptu jams in the roomy backstage commons, plus plenty of high quality drugs (prescribed on-site by licensed practitioners and dispensed at our own Woodstock Drug Store).
Back to the Land Communal Farm: Dormitory style Utopian Living (for qualified Medicare/Medicaid recipients). Potluck dinners, plenty of fresh vegetables from our garden (in season), monthly psychedelic bus trips to Canada to score cheap drugs.
Free Bird Campground: Privacy on a budget. Trailer hook-ups with communal pond and mud-baths where you can “get naked ” (weekly sponge baths available during winter months). Rangers regularly check on campers to make sure even the most psychotic loner is taking their meds.
Roughing It: Your friends and loved ones are always welcome to crash the party, even without a ticket. Just tell them to pull their car off the road and pitch a tent anywhere in the woods. (Please note: no services available for a radius of 25 miles.)
Second Childhood at Woodstock Farm: The Fun Never Stops!
Life is such a trip, and you never know what you might be into next. At Woodstock Farm there are always cool things happening. Here are a few we’ve seen recently:
- Rock band jam sessions
- Pagan offerings
- Poetry slams and/or residents talking out loud to themselves
- Dancing in the streets/dancing in your seats
- Tibetan Book of the Dead study group
- Horticulture Club (nicest buds you’ve ever seen!)
- Protests against war/government/corporations/ungrateful children
- Retro bowling league
- Pinball wizard parlor
- Wine tasting for winos
- Aromatherapy workshop
- Tai chi
- Nude drawing for the nearsighted
- Ultimate Frisbee
- Web-surfing addicts support group
- Freedom of Information Act: analyzing your permanent record
- Native American drum circles
- Stock Market vs. Canned Goods: an investment seminar
- Spinning and weaving for fun or to subsidize your meager pension
- Really High Tea
- Group therapy: Adult Diapers for Your Inner Child
- What’ll I be when I grow up playgroup
What Woodstock Farm Residents Say:
Sunshine, age 60: “I bought a pad in Haight-Ashbury in the ’70s that became worth millions in the real estate bubble, but all the new people who’ve moved in just put on suits in the morning and disappear into the Financial District. What a drag! I wanted to move someplace where I could hang out with groovy people and party. With all the money I got from selling my pad, I can just lay back here forever.”
Grady, age 62: “I was the bass player in Eat the Rich in the ’60s. Then I went to law school, became a public defender, burned out on that. Hitchhiked to South America where I found out about this Bolivian herb copaibo, which I began importing to treat asthma. Built up a big herbal business, then lost it all day trading on the Internet. But last year Mercedes-Benz bought rights to my song “Up Against the Wall, Fascist Pigs!” for some ad campaign, so I was able to take early retirement, and study acupuncture here.”
Jackson, age 70: “For as long as it lasts, I’m collecting a Social Security check and recording all my beat poetry onto my iPod. Woodstock Farm is getting cooler all the time, as more and more poets and writers make the scene on the government’s dime. This sure beats passing the hat at some dive in the Village.”
Make Your Festival Reservations Today!
The traffic on the Thruway is only going to get crazier, man. Come now and stake out the best spot for a party that will last for the rest of your life!