April 29, 2015
Strange that a man who is witty enough to write satire would be foolish enough to publish it. – Ben Franklin
First things first: the yearly weather forecast. “Behind the clouds, the sun is shining.” That pretty much has been the Cleveland weather report for as long as I’ve been living here.
But this year could be different. On New Year’s Eve in Cleveland, it was 60 degrees. We were sitting outside in shirt sleeves, and the only ice I saw was melting in my daiquiri. New shoots were coming up in the garden and the Canada geese were circling overhead, debating whether they had already flown south for the winter. So spring may come a tad early this year. Also look forward to a new season between summer and fall which we can call “inferno.”
Along with winter, we’re also canceling the recipe section this year. We’re on diets and can’t publish new recipes until we’ve burned up the calories from all of last year’s recipes. The good news is that we’ve already got all the energy we need to power alternative fuel vehicles. Someone just needs to build a hybrid that can run on both beer bellies and cake thighs.
o A rose by any other name would smell as sweet, but somehow your girlfriend will still know whether you got it from a real florist, or the 24-hour convenience store.
o Truth is relative, and you know what a pain in the neck relatives can be.
o Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Unfortu-nately today is also the first day of the rest of your bill collector’s life.
o A man’s home is his castle, until he misses three mortgage payments.
o Ah, to be young and foolish … instead of old and confused.
o All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy, but then he wasn’t very bright even before he got that job stocking shelves at Piggly Wiggly.
o If an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, how come my insurance will only pay for me to see a doctor after I’m already sick?
o A picture’s worth a thousand words, but for my father only six: “The museum paid money for that?”
o “Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.” This is the job description of the White House Press Secretary.
o Don’t fire ’til you see the whites of their eyes. Also make sure the enemy has access to an ample supply of Visine.
o Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. That’s what they have those little cardboard cartons with twelve indentations for.
o Between the dirt poor and the filthy rich lie the somewhat sweat-stained middle class.
o That dog don’t hunt no more. However he’s still pretty good at stealing food off the table when no one’s looking.
o Men’s heads are full of almost non-stop rude comments, bad jokes, and stupid ideas. Fortunately, God made us just smart enough to keep most of these things to ourselves.
o Faith can move mountains. However, if you’ve got a deadline, a bulldozer is much more reliable.
o After the rain comes a rainbow. Then about an hour later the kids come in and track mud all over the floor.
o Haste makes waste, which is a good thing if your business is trash removal.
o All the world’s a stage, and the stagehands’ union is threatening to go on strike next Thursday.
o If all’s fair in love and war, how come Congress can only declare war?
o Big Brother is watching. Big Brother is getting bored. Big Brother is going to the fridge for another beer and some jalape