The Funny Times https://funnytimes.com/ The Cartoon & Humor Newspaper Wed, 07 Dec 2022 21:48:08 +0000 en-US hourly 1 74354881 January/ Febuary 2023 Issue https://funnytimes.com/january-febuary-2023-issue/ https://funnytimes.com/january-febuary-2023-issue/#respond Wed, 07 Dec 2022 20:24:31 +0000 https://funnytimes.com/?p=137506 Cartoons and stories about New Year’s, Real Estate, Love, Furniture, Voting, The Generation Gap, Self ...

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Image of a cartoon newspaper with a big heading that says, "We're living in Funny Times." Under the heading is a cartoon of Uncle Sam on a vehicle with many moving parts. The caption reads, "When US Government bureaucracy works."

Cartoons and stories about New Year’s, Real Estate, Love, Furniture, Voting, The Generation Gap, Self Improvement, Privacy, Feelings, Hindsight, Evolution, Big Pharma, Peanuts and much, much more!

With Cartoons By: Hillary Allison, Isabella Bannerman, Martin Bucella, Marc Bilgrey, Ruben Bolling, Todd Condron, Bill Griffith, Marian Henley, Keith Knight, Peter Kuper, Mary Lawton, Liniers, Brian McFadden, Steve McGinn,  Dan Misdea, Chris Monroe, Sarah Morrisette, PS Mueller, Dan Piraro, Leigh Rubin, Mira Scharf, Charles Schulz, Jim Shoenbill, Jen Sorensen… and lots more!

New Year’s Irresolutions
By Richard Lederer

Why I, The Real Estate Novelist From “Piano Man,” Never Had Time For A Wife
By Talia Argondezzi and Jeff Bender

I’m The Couch Nobody Sits On
By Bev Potter

Earth Votes to Leave Solar System
By Chris Hume

16 & 61 For Men
By  A.G. Sloan

How To Win Success and Influence People in the 2020s
By Janet Periat

Diary of a Liberal
By Kristine Laco

Charles M. Schulz at 100
By Amy Lago

Plus:

  • The Borowitz Report
  • News of the Weird
  • Curmudgeon on Kissing
  • One Hundred Word Rant
  • Harper’s Index

and much more!

 

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Bucket Lists https://funnytimes.com/bucket-lists/ https://funnytimes.com/bucket-lists/#respond Wed, 07 Dec 2022 19:15:46 +0000 https://funnytimes.com/?p=137497 At the bookstore last week I spotted a featured title, “The Bucket List: 1000 Adventures Big & Small.” It was a fat book with lots of pictures and recommendations for everything from howling at the moon at a Polar Park in Norway to climbing to the peak of Mt. Kilimanjaro. This is a book that might have greatly appealed to my younger self, but when I started to look at it I suddenly felt exhausted.

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At the bookstore last week I spotted a featured title, “The Bucket List: 1000 Adventures Big & Small.” It was a fat book with lots of pictures and recommendations for everything from howling at the moon at a Polar Park in Norway to climbing to the peak of Mt. Kilimanjaro. This is a book that might have greatly appealed to my younger self, but when I started to look at it I suddenly felt exhausted. There is simply no way that I still have the time, energy, or money left to go on even a small fraction of these adventures. Instead of filling me with excitement about all the great things I could still do in this lifetime it made me feel like I had wasted half my bucket-listable vacation time going to see relatives in Omaha.

My younger self had naturally fantasized about visiting the Seven Wonders of the World: the Pyramids of Egypt, Machu Picchu, the Taj Mahal etc. But then at different stages of life I also fantasized about being the lead guitarist of Grand Funk Railroad, a fireman, and starting pitcher in the seventh game of the World Series, or more realistically becoming a doctor, a lawyer, or a tax accountant. Tragically (or luckily) as the case may be, none of these things came to pass. And although I have visited about a dozen different foreign countries (one of which no longer exists) and every state in the Union (except for North Dakota), I know I’m never going to match the record of my friend John who has managed during his 80 or so years to travel to every single country on the planet. The last country he visited was Yemen, which he finally got into just before Covid hit, even though the State Department travel advisory at the time stated: “Do not travel to Yemen due to terrorism, civil unrest, health risks, kidnapping, armed conflict, and landmines.” But what’s a little risk of being kidnapped by a terrorist with cholera compared to completing the last square on your bucket list bingo card?

My friend Larry has been to Machu Picchu with his wife Liz who insisted on going through with their rigorous itinerary despite the fact that she was still recovering from knee replacement surgery. When I showed him the book he said that in the future if there were any other bucket list destinations that friends insisted that they had to go to they planned on finding a nice picture of the place online, and then photoshopping themselves into it. Suitable for framing or posting on Facebook or Instagram. Because ninety percent of travel is just showing up in a photo-op.

Instead of collecting frequent flyer miles and communicable diseases jetting around the globe I’m working on a different bucket list. Here are some of my remaining goals:

Go for an entire day without once thinking about Donald Trump.

Successfully go out to eat one more time to our favorite restaurant on the West Side. (The last three times we tried we couldn’t get a reservation, and the time before that we couldn’t find a parking space within five blocks.)

Eat a bag of salted potato chips without worrying about my blood pressure or cholesterol reading.

Successfully go out to a movie with all three grandsons and sit through the entire feature without having to leave because somebody spills their soda in somebody else’s lap (usually mine).

Spend an entire afternoon on the couch reading a book, like I always imagined I’d do when I finally retired.

For the most part I’ve given up on goals and to-do lists. I’m not going to be able to go everywhere and do everything that I once imagined I would. I’m not going to be the first grandfather to play a round of golf on the moon. I won’t become the first banjo player to have a solo concert at Carnegie Hall. But one way or another I am going to make sure of one more thing: I am going to take a triumphant tour of the coffee shops of downtown Fargo, North Dakota!

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Cartoon of the Week for december 1, 2022 https://funnytimes.com/cartoon-of-the-week-for-december-1-2022-2/ https://funnytimes.com/cartoon-of-the-week-for-december-1-2022-2/#respond Thu, 01 Dec 2022 17:33:00 +0000 https://funnytimes.com/?p=136534 Cartoon of a police officer and a detective in front of a pink wall covered in large fingerprints. the caption reads "Check this wall for fingerprints."

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Cartoon of the Week for november 24, 2022 https://funnytimes.com/cartoon-of-the-week-for-november-24-2022-2/ https://funnytimes.com/cartoon-of-the-week-for-november-24-2022-2/#respond Thu, 24 Nov 2022 17:27:00 +0000 https://funnytimes.com/?p=136528 Cartoon of two people outsde talking. They look sad. The Caption reads "I'm not cold. I'm Sulking."

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Cartoon of the Week for november 17, 2022 https://funnytimes.com/cartoon-of-the-week-for-november-17-2022/ https://funnytimes.com/cartoon-of-the-week-for-november-17-2022/#respond Thu, 17 Nov 2022 19:29:00 +0000 https://funnytimes.com/?p=136502 Cartoon of a golfer holding a caddie by the feet, using him as a golf club. The caption reads "He forgot my clubs."

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Cartoon of the Week for november 10, 2022 https://funnytimes.com/cartoon-of-the-week-for-november-10-2022/ https://funnytimes.com/cartoon-of-the-week-for-november-10-2022/#respond Thu, 10 Nov 2022 18:00:00 +0000 https://funnytimes.com/?p=136498 Cartoon of two people chatting at work. The Caption reads, "When faced with a tricky ethical issue, I always ask the question, "What's in it for me?"

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Cartoon of two people chatting at work. The Caption reads, "When faced with a tricky ethical issue, I always ask the question, "What's in it for me?"

 

 

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Crossword Solution for The December 2022 puzzle https://funnytimes.com/crossword-solution-for-the-december-2022-puzzle/ https://funnytimes.com/crossword-solution-for-the-december-2022-puzzle/#respond Fri, 04 Nov 2022 19:48:00 +0000 https://funnytimes.com/?p=136465 Crossword Solution for The December 2022 puzzle

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Cartoon of the Week for november 3, 2022 https://funnytimes.com/cartoon-of-the-week-for-november-3-2022-2/ https://funnytimes.com/cartoon-of-the-week-for-november-3-2022-2/#respond Fri, 04 Nov 2022 17:36:42 +0000 https://funnytimes.com/?p=136488 Cartoon of a woman looking out the window at the world on fire. She is talking on the phone to her mother. The speech bubble reads " No Mom, I don't think going to grad school will help."

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Cartoon of a woman looking out the window at the world on fire. She is talking on the phone to her mother. The speech bubble reads " No Mom, I don't think going to grad school will help."

 

 

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December 2022 Issue https://funnytimes.com/december-2022-issue/ https://funnytimes.com/december-2022-issue/#respond Thu, 03 Nov 2022 18:06:58 +0000 https://funnytimes.com/?p=136451 Cartoons and stories about Math.Pizza.Aging Geniuses.The Birds and the Bees.Good Questions.Winter.Clutter.Holidays.Space.Digital Natives and much, much ...

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Image of a cartoon Newspaper with a large heading that reads "We're Living in Funny Times." Under the heading is a cartoon drawing of the US Supreme Court. Justice Sonia Sotomayor is holding a sight that reads "HELP."

Cartoons and stories about Math.Pizza.Aging Geniuses.The Birds and the Bees.Good Questions.Winter.Clutter.Holidays.Space.Digital Natives and much, much more!

With Cartoons By: Hilary Allison, Clay Bennett, Harry Bliss, Ruben Bolling, Nathan Cooper, Dave Coverly, Bill Griffith, Scott Hilburn, Taylor Jones, Liniers, Dan Misdea, Keith Knight, Dan Perkins, Joel Pett, Ted Rall, Jen Sorenson, Andy Singer, Mark Stivers, Brad Veley, Chris Weyant, Chis Wildt, Bianca Xunise… and lots more!

Pizza Math
By Diana Wright

How to Keep Your Brain Young
By Bev Potter

Incriminating Acknowledgments
By Melanie Chartoff

Winter Cancelled
By Chris Hume

Never Marry an Artist
By Bill Spencer

Gifts From Grandma: A Feline Atrocity (An Essay Written by My Cat)
By Dusty York

Plus:

  • The Borowitz Report
  • News of the Weird
  • Curmudgeon on Kissing
  • One Hundred Word Rant
  • Harper’s Index
  • The Funny Times Crossword

and much more!

 

 

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The boy who cried wolf goes viral https://funnytimes.com/the-boy-who-cried-wolf-goes-viral/ https://funnytimes.com/the-boy-who-cried-wolf-goes-viral/#comments Thu, 03 Nov 2022 17:35:11 +0000 https://funnytimes.com/?p=136449 Within twenty four hours his video had received over one million views and his followers increased from 100 (basically the kids he went to 4H with and a few dozen people with a sheep fetish) to 50,000 overnight. Lots of users reposted his video with comments like “shepherdboy22 saves our sheep!”

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Simon the shepherd boy was bored. “Who wouldn’t be bored,” thought Simon, “having to stand around a field all day in every kind of crummy weather watching stinking sheep eat grass. I can’t even get a cell phone signal up here on the mountain. No video games, no surfing my social media feed, and I can’t text that girl Trixie to see if we can hook-up this weekend. This job sucks! Why didn’t I study computer programming instead of animal husbandry? What was I thinking? That the future of humanity was dependent on lambchops and wool?”

Then he had a brilliant idea. He made a video of his German Shepherd, Gretchen chasing around the herd to try to keep them from falling off a small cliff, which being as dumb as they were they very well might have done. Then he set his phone on a tripod and got footage of himself chasing Gretchen away from the herd, which was easy enough to stage after he threw a frisbee for her to chase after. Later at home on his laptop he altered the images of Gretchen to make her look just like a wolf. Then he posted the video “Wolf attacks my flock!” on TikTok under his handle “shepherdboy22”.

Within twenty four hours his video had received over one million views and his followers increased from 100 (basically the kids he went to 4H with and a few dozen people with a sheep fetish) to 50,000 overnight. Lots of users reposted his video with comments like “shepherdboy22 saves our sheep!”, “the wolf threat is real!”, “What’s our government doing to protect us from invading foreign wolves?”

Simon was delighted by all the attention he was getting. A girl sent him a private message saying how brave and cute he looked in the video and asking if she could meet him in his barn to pet his sheep. A reporter wanted to interview Simon for the evening news. But the director of the local farm bureau was also interviewed as part of Simon’s TV spot and was very skeptical. “We haven’t had any wolves in this area since they were all killed off in 1947. I find it hard to believe that one suddenly showed up now. That video was pretty grainy and to be honest that animal didn’t look big enough to be a wolf. Maybe it was a stray dog.”

Simon decided to double down. He made another video titled “The Wolf is Back!” This time he squirted ketchup all over one of his lambs and pushed it over before taking a photo of her lying in the ground. Later he photoshopped in a picture of a real wolf he found stock footage of standing hungrily over her. Then he turned the camera on himself in front of his flock telling how he had managed once again to chase away the big bad wolf, but not before an innocent lamb had been maimed.

The new video got over ten million views and prompted him to get offers from several media specialists who wanted to help him increase his presence on Instagram, YouTube, and WhatsApp. They each offered to do the work for a percentage of the fees they assured him he would receive due to the incredibly popular nature of his content. Meanwhile his followers demanded government action. “There seems to be millions of dollars available to save Snowy Owls and Mississippi Gopher Frogs not to mention Red Wolves. What’s the federal government doing to protect small farmers?”

Tucker Snarlson played up the controversy on his Fox News show. “How many innocent lambs must die before this so-called President calls off his wolves?” he asked his audience. The next day the head of the EPA responded to a reporter’s query at a news conference. “We have not had any independently confirmed sightings of wolves in the area that these reports refer to. However, if we did it would be a miracle, as the wolf has been decimated to the point of extinction in most of our states. We should never forget that wolves remain a vital part of our native ecosystems, and their presence, when proven, actually indicates a return to health of these systems.”

Meanwhile Simon, the Shepherd Boy, was fast becoming a media sensation. He appeared on several talk shows to tell his story and ask for help in capturing the wolf. The owner of a large pillow company offered to make him a spokesman for his products. His latest video moved into the top ten on TikTok. Then disaster struck. Some enterprising reporter found the stock photo of the wolf that he had used and accused him of faking the shot. Of course Simon had no choice but to strenuously deny the accusation and in turn accuse the reporter of trying to make money off of his Fake News reporting. A wave of stories followed accusing Simon of lying in order to get attention. His followers on TikTok turned against him. “shepherdboy22 turns out to be another wolf in sheep’s clothing,” commented one. “If you’re so brave and there really was a wolf, why didn’t you kill it?” asked another.

Simon knew he had to do something or his fame would disappear as suddenly as it had come. Then he had a brilliant idea. He located an animal dealer on the dark web who could secretly obtain almost any animal that you wanted for the right price. Simon spent much of the advance he had received for his ShepherdBoy autobiography to purchase a gray wolf that someone had illegally caught in Montana. When it arrived in its cage he took it onto the mountain with his flock. But he left Gretchen at home, worried that she might try to defend the sheep from the wolf. He set up a real video camera that he had rented for this special occasion and started filming what he assumed would be a bloodbath when he released the hungry wolf from captivity, as it went to feast on his tender young lambs. But who cared if a few sheep died? They’d all wind up in someone’s meat locker eventually, anyway.

His plan was that after the massacre was over he’d shoot the wolf and then he’d have the evidence to prove that it was all real, and he was a hero for saving the rest of the flock from the foreign invader. He was sure to become the most famous shepherd in history. Maybe he’d even have his own YouTube channel!

Unfortunately things didn’t exactly go according to plan. As soon as Simon opened the cage door the wolf attacked him. Before he could grab his gun the wolf had him by the throat. The battle was over in seconds. But it lives on in endless replays online, where it has become the eighth most popular video in internet history.

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Cartoon of the Week for October 27, 2022 https://funnytimes.com/cartoon-of-the-week-for-october-27-2022/ https://funnytimes.com/cartoon-of-the-week-for-october-27-2022/#respond Thu, 27 Oct 2022 16:15:00 +0000 https://funnytimes.com/?p=135881 Cartoon of a ghost using an ouija board. Two other ghosts look on. One ghost comments to the other in a speech bubble that says, "I'm worried about Cody. He just sits in his room talking to himself all day."

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Cartoon of a ghost using an ouija board. Two other ghosts look on. One ghost comments to the other in a speech bubble that says, "I'm worried about Cody. He just sits in his room talking to himself all day."

 

 

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Cartoon of the Week for October 20, 2022 https://funnytimes.com/cartoon-of-the-week-for-october-20-2022/ https://funnytimes.com/cartoon-of-the-week-for-october-20-2022/#respond Fri, 21 Oct 2022 16:41:37 +0000 https://funnytimes.com/?p=135895 Cartoon of a woman digging up a grave. The speech bubble reads, "I just remembered something awkward I said in junior high."

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Cartoon of a woman digging up a grave. The speech bubble reads, "I just remembered something awkward I said in junior high,"

 

 

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Nothing Worth Stealing https://funnytimes.com/nothing-worth-stealing/ https://funnytimes.com/nothing-worth-stealing/#comments Thu, 20 Oct 2022 18:24:00 +0000 https://funnytimes.com/?p=136237 I tried to imagine how this thief would have reacted if he’d gone to the trouble of shlepping my bag home.

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A Delta airline baggage handler was arrested recently because a passenger had placed an Apple AirTag tracker inside her lost luggage and was able to tell the authorities the exact address where the stolen bag was located, which turned out to be the crook’s apartment. He had apparently been ripping off bags for quite a while and had $16,000 worth of other stolen loot there—boxes of earrings and necklaces, designer dresses, bottles of expensive liquor and perfume, cashmere sweaters and much more.

I tried to imagine how this thief would have reacted if he’d gone to the trouble of shlepping my bag home. Dirty underwear (mostly purchased more than three years ago because they stopped making the kind of all-cotton boxers I like), a plastic bag with a wet swimsuit, seashells, and rocks from the beach, a well-worn pair of Birkenstock sandals, a container of homemade granola, and a pile of Kurt Vonnegut books that I found in a used bookstore near the boardwalk. The most valuable thing in my suitcase was a bag of nutritional supplements I take for sciatica. Or possibly the tube of special hemorrhoid cream that I order from India.

I’ve reached the point in life where I no longer feel the need to impress people. I never did buy expensive suits, Rolex watches or Montblanc pens to awe potential clients with my wealth and good taste or woo potential partners by taking them to gourmet restaurants or buying front row tickets to sporting events from scalpers. And I’m never going to be the guy who can convince bankers or venture capitalists to fund my latest visionary idea that will change the paradigm of advertising or land tourists on Mars. I don’t even think I could convince them to give me a home improvement loan.

Would a car thief even want my car? A ten year VW in serious need of a new clutch? Probably not the first choice on the lot. Maybe if I left the keys in the ignition with the motor running some 15 year old kid might be tempted to take it for a joyride, if he could figure out how to drive a stick shift, but otherwise?

Would a burglar try to break into my house to steal my twenty year old stereo and collection of yard sale CDs and homemade cassette tapes? Could he even figure out how to untangle all the cords and wires that connect everything in order to get it off the shelf? I know I couldn’t the last time I tried to plug in an old record player I found on the tree lawn to see if it still worked.

Maybe a neighborhood crook would be interested in one of the several computers that I have piled up in the corner of my office that might possibly still work if you could find old enough software discs to run on them. I haven’t gotten rid of these modern hi-tech monstrosities because I paid so damn much money for them when they were new and I can’t believe that there really isn’t anyone who would want one. Maybe my burglar is just the guy!

We do have a lovely set of silverware that we got forty years ago for our wedding. It’s held up amazingly well and we still use it every day. Unfortunately for a robber it probably wouldn’t fetch much from a fence, since it’s made of stainless steel. And the only designer clothing I own is a pair of Calvin Klein jeans that I got at the Nordstrom’s Rack closeout bin several years ago and have since outgrown. My burglar is welcome to them if he’s got a 34 inch waist and likes the color chartreuse.

I never was a big fan of jewelry since I gave my Cracker Jacks ring to my sweetheart Leslie in first grade and she promptly threw it down the sewer grate to see if it would splash. I do still have my Dad’s collection of one-of-a-kind cufflinks that he saved. I initially kept them because I was sure they must be made of gold or silver, or else why would Dad still have had them? After checking a couple with a jeweler I now realize he’d kept them hoping to someday come across the lost matches so that he might be able to wear them again. Or maybe he just wore them mismatched. After all, a guy who had burned a hole in every suit jacket he owned with cigar ash couldn’t have been all that concerned with his appearance. This is a trait that he certainly passed down to his son. This year when I was flying for the first time since the pandemic I couldn’t help noticing how almost everyone else on the flight had brought their bags with them onto the plane, because they were so afraid the airline might lose them. They’d drag their suitcases around with them into the coffee shop while they waited for their inevitably delayed flights, into the bathroom stalls with them and everywhere else in between. Meanwhile I couldn’t help thinking I stood to profit if the airline did lose my checked bag. The $3500 insurance they’d pay would allow me to buy a lot of replacement shells, rocks, and used books. Although I’d never be able to find any dirty underwear like that again.

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Cartoon of the Week for October 13, 2022 https://funnytimes.com/cartoon-of-the-week-for-october-13-2022/ https://funnytimes.com/cartoon-of-the-week-for-october-13-2022/#respond Thu, 13 Oct 2022 16:23:00 +0000 https://funnytimes.com/?p=135888 Cartoon of pirates on a beach. One pirate asks in a speech bubble, "Has anyone seen my eyepatch?" Behind him, a nearly nude pirate has found the eyepatch. He is using it for a scant bathing suit.

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Cartoon of pirates on a beach. One pirate asks in a speech bubble, "Has anyone seen my eyepatch?" Behind him, a nearly nude pirate has found the eyepatch. He is using it for a scant bathing suit.

 

 

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VOTE NO https://funnytimes.com/vote-no/ https://funnytimes.com/vote-no/#respond Fri, 07 Oct 2022 19:36:13 +0000 https://funnytimes.com/?p=135913  The big news around my neighborhood is that they want to build a new park. The proposed location is just a few blocks from my house on an unused piece of land. That it just so happens would be a great place for liquor store or swanky apartments. You know, the kind of place that provides much-needed revenue and employment for a small suburban city.

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by Nicole Rossa

with illustrations by Taylor Sanderson

 The big news around my neighborhood is that they want to build a new park. The proposed location is just a few blocks from my house on an unused piece of land. That it just so happens would be a great place for liquor store or swanky apartments. You know, the kind of place that provides much-needed revenue and employment for a small suburban city.

Normally, I’m a ragin’ maniac for public parks. I assure you — if this park were a good idea — I would be wildly posting about it on social media  — Like I do with everything.  I like trees and despite being very allergic to nature, I believe parks are great spaces for community members to connect. However, I live in an entertainment district.

An entertainment district is a polite way to say the street with all the bars on it. Some people feel the neighborhood I live in can be unsafe. And sometimes it is. That’s the magic of a bar drag. It isn’t safe, not for everyone and especially not for children. That’s the way I like it. A nice street full of booze and food with no kids around!

I like the way the air around my house smells like french fries and flat top grease come 6 pm. When I take the dog for a walk, I like to see all the people dressed up in clothes they hope to have piled up on a stranger’s floor by morning. Some days, I see barfs in the doorways on my way to get coffee. I imagine how much fun those revelers were having before, ya know, they started vomiting everywhere. They were probably swaying arm-in-arm marching down the street and singing until one of them started blowing chunks. “I bet that person is hurting now”, I think to myself and smile wistfully. Occasionally, I’ll hear shouting in the distance when I’m in my yard. Kind of unnerving but I appreciate knowing the unpredictable entertainment district awaits me just a block from my door if I were so inclined to visit it on a Tuesday.

What I don’t like is so-called neighbors trying to build another damn park full of swing sets and teeter-totters. The proposed project is mere steps away from where I drank a martini the size of my head last summer! Okay, I admit it I drank three. Stay with me here. If we let ~families~ have their way, they will gobble up all the good bars, pubs, and ultra lounges, turning them into baby-gyms, dinner prep stores, and Reiki parlors. Babies should be fat! You can chop vegetables in your kitchen. I want to talk trash about Reiki right here but I don’t understand it at all. (I think the Reiki master just kinda hovers around you until you give up and agree that you feel better.) Anyway, I already have a way to feel better while being barely touched by a stranger. It’s called drinking at the bar and it sometimes ends with hugs, usually in the ladies restroom. Does the Reiki master give hugs? Maybe? Again, I wouldn’t know.

Ask yourself; do you really want an avenue of funky sock shops and ice cream parlors? You don’t. Trust me. Once those damn families gut your favorite watering hole to make way for a teddy bear studio, you’ll rue the day you let that park set down slides.

Listen, I vote in favor of school levies, every time. I’m happy to pay taxes so the kids can get laptops. I want kids to have neighborhoods full of inspirational murals but can it please be on another street? Maybe over by the other actual park(s) that is literally a few blocks away? Pick any direction and start walkin’, you’ll hit a park.

Let’s say, those park people have their way — a million-and-one playgrounds as far as the eye can see. Those tee-totaling toddler huggers will have the entire city squeaky clean! Vegetarian Chick’N nuggets will be the only food served in jarringly well-lit diners while babies wail in booster seats around you.

But that child-friendly reality will take years to manifest. Instead, the entertainment district — THE BARS — will be stuck with a playground in the middle of it for the foreseeable future! Who doesn’t love a play space next to one of the city’s busiest roadways? “Sure kid, run after that loose ball.”

And who will maintain this new public space? I don’t know about you but as a resident, I’m all volunteered out at the moment. Do not email blast me about a community weed pull or so help me! Like I don’t have my own yard to ignore.

Besides, do you know what happens when drunk, grown-ass adults see a swing set? Pure carnage. Twenty-somethings will be struck down in their prime, arms broken, ankles twisted and heads cracked open on the mulch like rotten cantaloupes. And don’t get me started on the fights! A gazebo is just a landmark for everyone who has ever lived by a gazebo to remember a fight that happened at the gazebo. I beg of you, DO NOT BUILD THIS PARK! Trust me, I’m not just saying this because I got my ass kicked in a gazebo once or because I tore my ACL jumping off the top of a spiral slide, or even because I need alcohol so I don’t get the shakes at night. I’m saying this because I want you to think about your kids. Not “THE KIDS” but YOUR kids. Let’s get real. By the time this park is built, they’ll be in college and old enough to want to go out and party. And since they still live at home wouldn’t it be nice to have a place you can send them to play? Vote NO on this build another park nonsense! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I hear a martini in the distance calling my name.

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November 2022 Issue https://funnytimes.com/november-2022-issue-2/ https://funnytimes.com/november-2022-issue-2/#respond Fri, 07 Oct 2022 17:41:52 +0000 https://funnytimes.com/?p=135900 Cartoons and stories about Games. Advice. Bugs. Autumn. The Office. Parents. Music. Customer Service. Deep ...

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Image of a cartoon newspaper with a big heading that says, "We're Living in Funny Times." Under the heading is a cartoon   of Uncle Sam in a broken-down car. The license plate reads, "DEMOCRACY." It is being fixed by a Republican Elephant. The Elephant is saying, "Try it now" despite the car needing basic repairs like wheels and an engine.

Cartoons and stories about Games. Advice. Bugs. Autumn. The Office. Parents. Music. Customer Service. Deep Thoughts. Critters. Coffee. Crime and much, much more!

With Cartoons By: Isabella Bannerman, Ruben Bolling, Pat Byrnes, Jon Carter, J.C. Duffy, Marian Henley, Scott Hillburn, Keith Knight, Peter Kuper, Mary Lawton, Liniers, Scott Arthur Masear, Steve McGinn, Sarah Morrissette, P.S. Mueller, Maritsa Patrinos, Leigh Rubin, Crowden Satz, Harley Schwadron, Maria Scrivan, Jen Sorenson … and lots more!

Nothing Worth Stealing
By Raymond Lesser

What You Should Know About Pickleball, America’s Favorite Sport
By Tim Jones

6 Ways to Put the Spark Back in Your Relationship With Your Cat
By Bob Eckstein and Dr. Mark Shatz

You Have To Get Up Pretty Early If You Want to Eat Worms
By Ira Bloom

Pumpkin Spice and Other Sources of Conflict
By Carolyn J. Rose

Waving Is Good for Us
By Lenore Skenazy

I Object to the Teaching of Fish in Schools
By Jessica Lévai

Coffee Is The Very Best Thing You Can Consume For Your Health And It Will Also Instantly Kill You
By Molly Henderson

The Philosophy Major’s Guide To Small Talk
By Alex Baia

I’m Just Really Into Your Dog
By K.A. Polzin

11th Commandment
By Dave Maleckar

Plus:

  • The Borowitz Report
  • News of the Weird
  • Curmudgeon on Classical Music
  • One Hundred Word Rant
  • Harper’s Index

and much more!

 

 

 

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Cartoon of the Week for October 6, 2022 https://funnytimes.com/cartoon-of-the-week-for-october-6-2022/ https://funnytimes.com/cartoon-of-the-week-for-october-6-2022/#respond Fri, 07 Oct 2022 15:45:16 +0000 https://funnytimes.com/?p=135876 Cartoon of two men holding signs. One man holds a plain sign. The other holds a more faniciful sign. Both read "The End is Near."

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Cartoon of two men holding signs. One man holds a plain sign. The other holds a more faniciful sign. Both read "The End is Near."

 

 

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Cartoon of the Week for September 29, 2022 https://funnytimes.com/cartoon-of-the-week-for-september-29-2022-2/ https://funnytimes.com/cartoon-of-the-week-for-september-29-2022-2/#respond Thu, 29 Sep 2022 16:42:33 +0000 https://funnytimes.com/?p=135382 Cartoon of a car with a license plate that reads, "AVERAGE."

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Cartoon of a car with a license plate that reads, "AVERAGE."

 

 

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Cartoon of the Week for September 22, 2022 https://funnytimes.com/cartoon-of-the-week-for-september-22-2022/ https://funnytimes.com/cartoon-of-the-week-for-september-22-2022/#respond Thu, 22 Sep 2022 16:59:01 +0000 https://funnytimes.com/?p=135387 Cartoon of two dragons chatting. Caption reads, "Dragons were never out of style."

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Ray’s Theory of Assholes https://funnytimes.com/rays-theory-of-assholes/ https://funnytimes.com/rays-theory-of-assholes/#comments Fri, 16 Sep 2022 19:14:08 +0000 https://funnytimes.com/?p=135199 If you act like an asshole, you become magnetically attractive to all other assholes (as ...

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If you act like an asshole, you become magnetically attractive to all other assholes (as well as other celestial bodies filled with hot air and bad smelling gasses). Only assholes will think your jokes are funny. Only assholes will drink with you in the bar, especially after you try to stiff the bartender for your tab. In fact you will find the same group of assholes seem to migrate to all the other bars you wind up in as you gradually get banned from every bar in town for trying to grope the waitresses, getting in fights with out-of-towners who happen to stop in for a beer, or getting so drunk you pass out in the men’s room and the barkeeper has to drag you out to the curb before he can lock up for the night. The other assholes you hang out with will exhibit similar behavior and after a while no one else will want to have anything to do with you but the other gasbags.

Your girlfriend will also be an asshole, if you manage to have a girlfriend at all. Even if she doesn’t start out being an asshole she will wind up being one after hanging out with you long enough, if only in self-defense. She will steal money out of your wallet while you’re busy looking at porn on the internet. You might get introduced to her because your mom or sister sets you up on a date, hoping that, if only you would meet a nice girl you’d stop being such an asshole. But more likely you will find her outside a bar after she gets thrown out for flinging her beer at some guy who dated her once because she looks cute until you find out what an asshole she is. She’ll have a lot of baggage. She might have several children with different fathers, none of whom pay any child support because of course they’re all assholes, too. You probably know many of them, but they stay away from your place because if they showed their faces she’d probably clock them with a frying pan.

Of course, you don’t have to be poor to be an asshole. If you’re lucky you might be a rich asshole. Most rich assholes are born that way. (Rich, not assholes. No kid is born an asshole. It takes a great deal of effort to become one, significantly more effort than it takes to become rich. But if you’re an asshole you’ll never figure that out.) Rich assholes tend to think that they deserve to be rich because they are so much smarter than anyone else. They treat other people as if they are personal servants who only exist to cater to their needs. They threaten employees, no matter how much they may earn, with the possibility of being demoted or fired if they don’t do exactly what Mr. or Ms. Big tells them to, and pronto. They have little patience and frequently cut in line, claiming “executive privileges” or “frequent flyer club membership” or “my Daddy owns this building, do you want to have your lease renewed?” Rich assholes usually get anything they want, but it never makes them happy. They are perpetually dissatisfied with the state of affairs in the world. They often jet from one potential paradise to another, always disappointed in what they find there, as it never lives up to their expectations. Because their expectation is that they are the most important person in the world and everyone, and I mean everyone should recognize that and kowtow to their every wish and whim.

There are plenty of rich people who aren’t assholes, but just like their brethren, poor assholes, the rich assholes usually find that the only people who will have anything to do with them are other rich assholes, along with a lot of poor people who really need a job and outwardly put up with their bad behavior while secretly spitting in their food or dropping ticks in their bedclothes. Rich assholes get stock tips from uncles or cousins who are on the board of some company and know something that will make the stock jump up or down. Then when they make a killing in the market, they’ll brag to anyone who will listen (paid employees or other rich assholes) about what great investors they are. They buy sports cars that they never drive just so they can show them off and try to make other folks jealous. When they do drive their cars they often crash them, because that is something of a badge of honor among assholes, how many cars they’ve crashed, how many big game animals they’ve slaughtered, how many drug overdoses they’ve survived, how many near death experiences they’ve escaped. They want to be the biggest, the fastest, the richest, the best at everything they do, but unfortunately all they’re good at is being assholes and becoming the biggest asshole in the world really takes work, and most of these rich assholes never worked a day in their lives.

The bottom line: If you are an asshole, you eventually get what you deserve—a life filled with people who are exactly like you.

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