How evolved are you? How likely are you to spontaneously evolve in this lifetime? Circle the answer that best describes you:
a. I own nothing, and yet I am bliss personified.
b. I own nothing … and I’m homeless.
c. I used to own stuff … until my near-debt experience.
d. I’m skinny and rich, thanks to the mantra: “Everything I eat turns to money, and my drawers are full of cash.”
a. I am a breatharian. Sure, I can’t break bread with friends … but I can still break wind.
b. I exist on a legume-based vegan diet, and my karma runs on methane.
c. I’m on a transitional vegetarian diet. I only eat animals that are vegetarians.
d. I’m a humanitarian. I eat people.
a. I have traded in my old Dodge for an Evolvo.
b. I go to the karma wash weekly, but there’s still some gunk on the underside.
c. I am months behind in my karma payments.
d. I am in the high-risk karma driving pool.
4. PSYCHIC ABILITY
a. I knew you were going to ask this question!
b. I occasionally get psychic messages, but they usually end up in my spam filter.
c. I sometimes know something is going to happen before it happens.
d. I don’t even know what’s happening after it happens.
a. I have absolute faith in absolute faith.
b. I sometimes need a faith-lift.
c. You know Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle? I’m not even sure about that.
d. I think positive. I’m positive bad things are going to happen.
a. I have released the ego, thanks to the simple mantra: “Ego, egoing, egone.”
b. I sometimes have feelings of oneness with everyone, especially on Japanese subways.
c. Sometimes I feel I’m not myself – but then I figure, if I’m not myself, who is?
d. But enough about me. What do you think of me?
7. COSMIC AWARENESS
a. I am full of emptiness.
b. My cup of emptiness is half-full.
c. My cup of emptiness is half-empty.
d. My emptiness has all leaked out, and now I need a refill.
SPECIAL BONUS … HARE ANALYSIS
In addition to your Evolutionary Quotient, we usually ask for a hare sample to assess your overall personality. Please choose the hare sample you are most like, or most attracted to:
a. Bugs Bunny
b. Energizer Bunny
c. Easter Bunny
d. Playboy Bunny
Rate Your Answers
How to Score
For each “a” answer, give yourself 10 points.
For each “b” answer, give yourself 7 points.
For each “c” answer, give yourself 4 points.
For each “d” answer, give yourself 1 point.
Score of 55-70 You are truly an enlightening rod, and have released so many attachments that you not only walk on water, you walk on air. Unfortunately, because of the lack of attachments, you are unable to vacuum your home. This may be your last lifetime in the flesh, although the choice will be yours. You may find reincarnation to be … refleshing.
Score of 39-54 Your intentions are good, but you have to increase your intention span. Yes, you aspire to walk on water, but you should attempt this in degrees – the colder the degrees, the better. Shoot for Lake Minnetonka in January, and guaranteed you will walk on water. As for your karma, try running it on esteem.
Score of 23-38 You are evolving … but ever so slowly. Your inner voice is being drowned out by your outer vice. You are driving a hopelessly outdated karma, and should definitely consider trading up the next time the Cosmic Cash for Clunkers program is announced. The good news? You have many, many future lifetimes ahead of you, which means lots of frequent flier miles on the higher planes.
Score Below 23 You may actually be devolving, and can expect to spend future lifetimes as an invertebrate. This is great, because you will have very few responsibilities.