entertainment

Name That Trauma

A panel of four psychologists try to identify each contestant’s trauma by asking a series of yes/no questions like “Do you ever curl up in a ball on the couch unable to move due to a feeling of existential dread?” If they fail to identify the correct trauma in five minutes the contestant wins a free year of therapy.

The Price is So Wrong

Three billionaire contestants are asked to guess the market value of a typical consumer purchase such as a castle in the south of France, a ten passenger Lear Jet, a 95-foot yacht once owned by J. Paul Getty, or a self portrait of Van Gogh before he cut off his ear. The contestant who guesses the closest to the actual price without going over gets to keep it. The losers must pay the purchase price (although they do get the full benefit of all tax write-offs, shelters, and subsidies.)

What’s My Lineage?

Contestants try to guess not only the lineage, but also the age, income, profession, education, religion, and sexual preferences, of a series of random strangers they meet for the first time onstage, without ever hearing them speak a word. Afterwards their true lineages are revealed, and the studio audience and viewers at home get to laugh at how wrong the contestants were and tell themselves that they would never have done so poorly because they never prejudge people just based on how they look.

Who Wants to be a Millionaire? (Reality Edition)

Watch as real-life lottery winners try to navigate the world of newfound wealth. Who will squander their fortune on bad real-estate deals or by financing their cousin’s scheme of a drive-thru combo car wash/tapas bar? Who will get swindled by shady “financial advisors” or massage parlor girls named “Trixie”? Who will forget to pay their taxes and wind up losing their new million-dollar home to foreclosure and be forced to watch as their cherry red Corvette convertible is re-possessed and towed away on national TV? Tune in to find out.

The Health Insurance Runaround

Three contestants compete to see if they can get their health insurance provider to provide their health care. “Is this procedure covered? …But it says in my policy that it’s covered? …What do you mean “out of network”? There is only one hospital here. …But you covered it last time. …How was I supposed to get pre-approval for that test when you folks don’t answer your phone?” In this game there are no winners (except for insurance companies) and everyone co-pays.

You Bet Your Life

Contestants chosen at random are asked to do a series of what would have been normal activities pre-pandemic and viewers get to see how long they can survive. Grocery shopping without a mask. Working out at the gym. Going to the multiplex theater at the mall. Having Christmas with a house full of unvaccinated relatives. After six months anyone who hasn’t died gets a free booster shot.

The Dating Game

Home viewers watch over the shoulders of contestants as they scroll through all the eligible bachelors and bachelorettes on their Tinder app, giving their instantaneous critiques of why or why not they would ever consider any of them for a possible date. Then we get to follow along on their first dates. “You don’t look anything like your photo. What’s that rash on your hand? Do you always talk with a fake British accent or is that something you’re doing especially for me? No, I will not pay for your dinner because you forgot your wallet! Swipe left! Swipe left!”

Mega-Supermarket Sweep

Several contestants get to simultaneously rampage through an Amazon warehouse attempting to drive forklifts to move as much desirable merchandise as they can to the “checkout” area in three minutes. Whoever manages to pile up the highest dollar value of smart TVs, PlayStations, designer leather goods, and AAA batteries gets to keep them all. Losers must pay for all damages and hospital bills caused by the inevitable crashes. Each contestant is automatically entered into a sweepstakes for a free rocket ride on Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin or a chance to throw a cream pie into his face (winner’s choice).

To Tell the Truth

A focus group of randomly selected voters is presented with a panel of three celebrity politicians, only one of whom is required to answer all their questions truthfully. The voters must then decide who is the best person to represent them: the honest politician or the liars. At stake is the future of democracy and the free world.