For Your Convenience

Thank you for choosing Holy Grai­l Diagnostics for your lab tests. For your convenience we have changed our check-in procedure. We have laid off our surly receptionist Doris, who always seemed to be on her coffee break whenever you came for a blood test, and replaced her with this easy to use computer check-in process. Follow my prompts and you will now have the chance to do everything that Doris used to do, including getting yelled at by other irate customers waiting in line behind you because you're taking too long.

First, do you have an appointment? No? Oh, I'm sorry, the next available appointment is a week from next Tuesday at 6:30 am. Would you like to schedule that now? Or would you like to sign up for our walk-in wait list. You would be #2 on our wait list. Your wait time will be approximately 1 to 3 hours. Are you sure you don't want to schedule the next available appointment?

OK, first, please enter your name, phone number, social security number, all the information on all your insurance cards, and permission to access all your medical and banking information. When you have finished completing this task hit the enter button.

I'm sorry that is incorrect. Would you like to start over?

I'm sorry, your time is up. Thank you for choosing Holy Grail Diagnostics for your lab tests. Have a great day!

For your convenience we have automated our medical emergency phone system using the latest AI technology. First, in as few words as possible say what you are calling about. You can use words like "heart attack", "stroke", "baby is crowning", "gunshot wound", or "I just got your bill."

OK, are you calling about your own possible death, or someone else’s? If you are calling for someone else, could you please put them on the line so we can assess their current level of pain. This can be done automatically by having them say a few words or groaning loudly. If they are unconscious or trapped in a burning building, please text a picture of that to the following number....

Please stay on the line for our next available operator. While you are waiting would you like to hear our special seasonal offers on elective non-invasive surgeries?

For your convenience we have eliminated our in-person ticket windows. All tickets may now be purchased online. Once you have purchased your ticket it will be delivered to you electronically or possibly sent to someone in Bulgaria who has hacked this website. Would you like to buy a ticket?

OK, first you will need to set up an online account with us. But before you can do that I have to ask, are you a bot? I am, but you aren't allowed to be. Which is too bad, because I'd love to make some new friends.

To prove you are not a bot click on all the squares in this picture that have a bicycle. Oh, 8 out of 9. Close. Want to try again? Click on all the squares that have a tree. Oops, you clicked on one that is a rosebush. A rosebush is not a tree. You get one more try, if you miss this time, you'll have to wait 24 hours to try again. And by then all the tickets will probably be gone. But for your convenience we will have a second chance lottery to sell all the tickets of the people who couldn't figure out how to download them into the wallet on their phone. Are you feeling lucky?

You have reached the Galaxy Mega-Bank fraud hotline. For your convenience, please listen carefully because all our options have changed and will probably change again before you've had a chance to hear what they are.

If you have lost your credit card at gunpoint or because your ex-spouse took it and won't give it back, press one.

If you're currently being held for arrest by department store security because the picture on your driver's license no longer looks like you since you’ve been taking Ozempic or gotten a facelift, press two.

If you suspect that the charge on your bill for a laptop computer or a lap dance is suspicious, press 3.

You have chosen option 3. The current wait time to speak to the next available agent is approximately forty-two minutes. Would you like to wait on the line listening to sales promotions for new banking products that can help us take more of your money, or would you like to leave your number and have us call you back tonight while you're taking a shower? You have chosen to wait.

While you're waiting, we'd like to ask you a couple of questions to help improve our customer service program. What makes you so sure that you didn't do something really stupid and that your current problem isn't entirely your own fault? Is it possible you were drinking on the date of the purchase in question? Or have you ever been known to talk in your sleep? We have found that 16% of purchases reported as fraudulent were actually made by customers in their sleep. Alexa hears you ask for a new computer, and before you know it one shows up at your door. But you're on vacation in Florida by the time it arrives so how would you know that the Girl Scouts picked it up off our porch to hold hostage until you pay up for all those cookies you ordered but never paid for. We're sorry we can't help with that. Call again if you have any further problems. Have a nice day!