New Year’s Day always brings an unparalleled opportunity to start fresh and turn your life around. Especially if you feel, as I do, that your life has recently gotten turned upside down and backwards, this might be a great time to quit moping and hiding in bed with a dog-eared copy of Project 2025 and make some mood-changing New Year’s resolutions. Here are mine:

As I write this my neighborhood is being overrun with leaf blowers. You know, that incredible invention that allows your average suburban homeowner to imagine what it sounds and smells like to be a Hell’s Angel gang member revving up his Harley for the ride home from the annual Sturgis, South Dakota motorcycle rally and bake sale. As an added benefit my lawn obsessed neighbors are setting off every crying baby and barking dog on the block.

This November you may be considering the most momentous decision of your life, one that could possibly save democracy as we know it or instead usher in a 1000 year rule of Christendom upon the heathen nation of Babylon. Or maybe you are just contemplating whether it’s time to get rid of that fossilized retired gym teacher on the school board who always dozes off when the agenda moves to considering the superintendent’s request for a new school bus, and replace him with the energetic young mom who’s been knocking on all the neighbors doors, often toting one or more of her little ones, in order to plead for an increase in the budget for art and music programs.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sMaQRPQ6ZkU&t=3s

I’m retired, which is a good thing because I don’t think I’d have time for a regular job anymore, I have way too much unpaid work that I need to do every day just to get by.

By Raymond Lesser The Ten Commandments have been in the news again since Republicansare doing their best to make sure that all our godless little...

“I’ll have a coffee with cream to go.” “You want that with oat cream, soy cream, or almond cream?” “I want it with cream cream. But if you don’t have that I’ll take half and half.” “Sorry sir, this is a vegan coffee shop. We don’t use any products here that exploit animals.” “That’s ridiculous! What’s your name? I’m going to have you sent to work at a shop in Alaska where you can try your hand at making coffee for real caribou.”

Sue woke me out of a sound sleep last night, full of excitement. “I just had a wild dream and it’s given me an idea for a new business that’s sure to be a success! We’ve got to do it!” “Wait, slow down. What time is it?” “Who cares about the time! It’s time for a new venture! What’s the most popular business in the country right now?”

I hear a knock and when I open the door a delivery driver is standing next to a life-size robot. “I need you to sign for this.” “I didn’t order a robot.” “You have Amazon Prime, don’t you? Everyone with Amazon Prime is getting a free robot. You’re one of the first on your block.”

Lost: Dirty Gray Cat. Answers to the name Schmutzy. Likes to be scratched between the ears, but don’t try to pick him up by the belly or he’ll scar you for life. I’m speaking from experience. Makes a kind of asthmatic wheezing sound when he’s purring. May be allergic to something. Possibly cat hair, according to the vet. I know, that could be a big problem. Might even be why he ran away, but when we try to vacuum he attacks the vacuum cleaner and often the person using it. Please don’t try to lure him to you by feeding him, if you find him, he’s on a very special diet which involves pureeing whole mackerel and lots of expensive cat supplements in the blender.

It turns out that chocolate is not only an aphrodisiac but also, combined with cake, ice cream and lit candles acts as an antidepressant far superior to Prozac or Zoloft. Psychiatrists take their patients off these drugs and begin prescribing weekly attendance of birthday parties, preferably for 5 year olds.

By Raymond Lesser This is the time of year when pundits, economic gurus, and soothsayers make major predictions about who will win the next election, how the stock market will perform and whether or not the world will continue to exist 12 months from now, and if so whether you’ll still be going out with that hottie you met at the Holiday party last weekend. I’ll leave those major prognostications to others. Instead I present these very probable (but minor) predictions for 2024: