Did you recently get Xed out of your job by the world’s richest man so that he could become the world’s richerest man? Or maybe you just finished going hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt in order to obtain a degree in history, political science, mathematics or any one of the dozens of fields soon to become dominated by AI “experts” who are even bigger know-it-alls than you can ever be. Don’t worry, there are still many great ways of making the money you’ll need to avoid spending your remaining days dumpster diving or sleeping on the couch of your sister’s rent-controlled apartment.
SLIP AND FALL
A tried and true method of obtaining a generous legal settlement. Be sure to pick an establishment with deep pockets and get witnesses to document your “accident”. There is no perfect place to slip, but a video of yourself struggling to stand after falling into the putrid puddle caused by a backed up toilet in some faceless corporate bathroom will be sure to elicit a great deal of sympathy from any jury of your peers. And by peers, I mean any of those other civic-minded citizens with nothing better to do all day than sit on a personal injury jury.
Downside: Generally, you will have to wait several years before the corporate lawyers have milked every possible dollar from their clients and are finally ready to settle. So, you’ll need to come up with other ways to avoid starvation until then. Also, you might accidentally break your neck.
ROBOT TRAINING
There is now a need for thousands of humans to become test subjects in various robot training exercises. In order to replace us, robots will need to learn the repetitive movements that gave us carpel tunnel, arthritis, and all the other maladies that made your job increasingly painful and eventually led to slowing productivity and your ultimate dismissal. Help prepare the unfeeling workforce of the future and rest assured that no machines will ever need to suffer the way you have. Plus, they will pave the way for humans to have entirely new and improved ways of suffering.
DATA HARVESTING
There is a fight to the finish battle going on between several major AI entities. The prize is World Domination along with the parking spot closest to the front door. But only one corporation run by one megalomaniac billionaire can be victorious. In order to succeed the winning AI will need to train on the most comprehensive data set available. Rest assured they’ve already gotten the easily obtainable stuff, including all your social media posts and videos of you dressing your cat like Groucho Marx. But AI still (technically) needs your permission to scrape up the rest of your emails, texts, and other private conversations. So better sell now while you still can make a few bucks off your fast disappearing privacy. Because as soon as enough of the other correspondents in your conversations sell out their interactions with you, even that little pot of change will go bye-bye.
GLEANING
There are many farmers who allow people to glean produce from their fields, once the majority of the harvest has been professionally gathered. Although these opportunities are usually only given to non-profit organizations there’s nothing stopping you from volunteering and then stuffing a few extra tomatoes down you shirt and selling them later on the street corner. As inflation worsens that stuff will only become more and more valuable. And even when this produce becomes inedible it still makes a handy greeting for your favorite politician.
NUDE MODELING
If you’re willing to expose your pockmarked, wrinkly flesh for hours in front of a bunch of immature art students gawking and snickering behind their easels you can easily earn enough to buy bus fare and some cold medicine to treat the chill you got from standing in their poorly heated studio space. Plus, you’ll be immortalized in the portfolios of these would-be Picassos and Rembrandts for all time. To see if you have what it takes to be a model remove all your clothes, stand on the coffee table, then strike a pose and try not to move for twenty minutes. Now try to imagine what your mother (or kids) will say when you tell them what you did all day.
BECOME A VOICE-OVER ACTOR
Voice-over work involves recording hours of narration for various media such as documentaries and audiobooks. And since you go around all day talking out loud to yourself and swearing at the TV news, you might be perfectly suited for this job. Start by purchasing a microphone and headphones and consider soundproofing your room for better quality. The neighbors will also appreciate this since they’re sick of hearing your unending kvetching and even when you’re asleep you make more noise than a garbage truck that needs a valve job.
BE AN INFLUENCER
Millions of young people are making bank as influencers on TikTok and YouTube so why not you? Most of the money comes from brand deals and affiliate marketing. Look around your house and think of the brands that you most identify with, that might like to sponsor you. Surely there is a huge potential market for Preparation H, Dr. Scholls, and high-waisted polyester stretch pants and YOU could be their spokesperson! You just need to find the audience who might listen to you, if they’ve remembered to put on their hearing aids. Time to start building up a following with product demonstrations of the latest in corn plasters and compression socks, along with online coaching about the best strategies for making the most of the early-bird-special buffet.
