Trumplestiltskin

You may remember the story of Rumpelstiltskin, the funny little man who saved the miller’s beautiful daughter from certain death. You see her boastful father had bragged that she could spin straw into gold after one too many pints at the local pub. When word of her amazing talent reached the King, he had her brought to the castle where, being the greedy dick that he was, he demanded that she spin an entire room full of straw into gold before the next sunrise or he would have her killed. Fortunately, Rumpelstiltskin showed up and saved her from this fate because he, among all the beings of the kingdom, actually did possess the magical power of turning straw into gold, although he lived a lonely bachelor’s life in a hut on the outskirts of the bog, because he was as ugly as a toad and as awkward as a blind date in a funeral parlor.

After two nights of successful gold spinning the greedy king added this kicker: If the miller’s daughter could spin his entire barn full of straw into gold, he would marry her and make her the queen. But if she fell even one bale short, he’d still murder her. Nice guy. Rumpelstiltskin decided to ask for something big in return for saving her life a third straight night: he wanted her first born baby to be his own. Not sure if he thought he actually had any chance to score with the miller’s daughter, but he still didn’t wind up in a bed of straw with her, the way he hoped. She did become queen, though, but once she gave birth and it came time to pay up, she was so distraught at the thought of losing her baby boy that Rumpelstiltskin once again felt pity for her and made her a different deal: If she could guess his name, within three days’ time, he’d let her keep the baby.

The queen sent all of her spies out into the kingdom and was able to figure out Rumpelstiltskin’s name, along with the fact that the King was cheating on her with at least three other miller’s daughters, and possibly several barn animals. No matter, she was only too glad to honor Rumpelstiltskin for his extreme kindness by letting him name her son Trumpelstiltskin. But the funny little man was still incensed at having lost what turned out to be his only chance for an heir and put this curse on the baby:

“As Trumpelstiltskin grows old, and secrets unfold,
his obsession shall be changing straw to gold!”

When he eventually became king, Trumpelstiltskin couldn’t yet turn straw into gold, but he could con his subjects into buying any worthless thing with his name on it. King Trumpelstiltskin put his name on bottles of water from the castle moat and called it Trumpelstiltskin’s Magic Elixir, and his subjects bought up all the bottles, and kept believing it was the cure for all sorts of ailments, even after it gave them stomach cramps. Trumpelstiltskin insisted that the runs caused by his elixir were actually something he called “the purge” and was cleaning their systems of poisons that foreigners had brought to the kingdom, leaving their bodies clean and great again.

Then he sold them containers of the horseshit from his stables labeled as Trumpelstiltskin Perfume which all the gentlemen of the kingdom bought and insisted their wives smear on, less they encounter the king or one of his henchmen and not be marked by the unmistakable odor of the King’s favorite fragrance. But he had still not cleaned out the wallets and purses of all the rubes in the kingdom. And so, he came up with his greatest money making idea: Trumpelstiltskin $traw.

The day the $traw was released the people of the kingdom went to the castle carrying all their remaining treasure. They lined up and one by one presented King Trumpelstiltskin with their savings, and in return he gave them a bag full of $traw and then bade them farewell. But when the first man in line, the king’s most ardent supporter, Count Elon, got outside the castle and looked in his bag he found that it contained only ordinary straw.

He ran back to tell the king he’d been swindled. Perhaps one of the king’s aides had switched out his new gold coins for ordinary straw without his knowledge. But the king immediately ordered that anyone who questioned the value of their bags be arrested and had Count Elon thrown into the dungeon. After this no one else dared to express any further complaint or doubt.

And so it came to pass that Trumpelstiltskin had all the wealth of the kingdom inside his castle. In fact, it was so overflowing with treasure that there was no longer room for anything or anyone else. First all the lords and ladies of the court were ordered to leave. But still there wasn’t enough room for the king’s treasures. So, he expelled all his servants, his gardeners, cooks, dressers, ass wipers, housekeepers, and golf caddies. But still there wasn’t enough room for all his treasure. So finally, he expelled everyone in his own family, his brothers and sisters, his children, and finally even his queen had to leave to make room for his enormous wealth. For truly he was the richest man the world had ever known.

But soon Trumpelstiltskin became hungry. He called out for his servants to bring him his supper, but they were all gone. He called out for his navigators to help him find a path to the kitchen so that he might eat some leftover McNuggets out of the refrigerator, but they had all disappeared. And the pathway from his throne to any other room of the castle was blocked by thousands and thousands of gold bars, jewels, collectable comic books and bobblehead dolls, as well as a few pallets of unsold Trumpelstiltskin Perfume which made the throne room smell a lot like the royal stables. King Trumpelstiltskin was trapped by his own wealth and after a few days of pleading to gods that he had never prayed to before to save him he fell into a nightmare filled sleep from which he never awoke.

Meanwhile outside in the kingdom the peasants continued to do what they always did. Never having much money to begin with, it didn’t matter to them that they had none now. They tilled their fields, sowed their crops, weeded, harvested and cooked their food. They tended their livestock and thinned the woods for building materials and fuel for their stoves. They used the wisdom passed down to them from their elders and the herbs and plants on the land to alleviate ailments and get high.

But the lords and ladies and formerly wealthy merchants didn’t fare as well. They had never learned how to farm, or cook, or build, or mend. Without any money they were soon begging for food. If they were lucky some farmer might take pity on them and let them clean out their barns in exchange for a meal. “And the good news is all the stuff in there is actually King Trumpelstiltskin’s Perfume. And you can keep as much of it as you like for your wives to use. Or, if you’d rather, you can work spreading it over our fields and then you’re welcome to sleep tonight in a pile of nice clean $traw in the stall next to the horses.”