Don’t use the name of the Lord in vain: make sure whoever you’re swearing at sees every gesture and hears every word.
No matter how much you honor your mother and father it’ll never make up for all the crap you got away with when you were a kid.
Thou shalt not kill. Although special dispensation may be given for mosquitoes and certain types of black flies.
Thou shalt not steal, except things off the children’s plates that they’ll never eat anyway.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors property. But if you do covet something, first ask if you can borrow it to try, before wasting money buying one for yourself.
Nobody is forcing you to take the Sabbath off every week. But if you don’t you’re an idiot.
Thou shalt not bear false witness. But there are still plenty of true things that you can say to get your brother in trouble.
Children are for people who don’t know what to do with their lives. That’s why there are so many of them.
You may never find exactly what you want in the world, but if you keep searching long enough, you’ll forget exactly what it was you wanted.
Whoever said sex was a bad thing?
The odds of winning the Daily Double are not nearly as good as you think they are, even if your cousin did go to school with one of the jockeys.
If you’re not sure how to do something yourself, it’s best to hire somebody else to do it for you, especially when it involves plumbing.
You may never figure out all of the answers, but if you ask enough questions most teachers will give you a passing grade just to get rid of you.
If you want to impress people, don’t tell them you’re an artist. Instead, tell them that you’re an art collector. Just don’t bother mentioning that all the art that’s been collecting is your own.
At the end of every road there’s a good reason why people have decided not to go any further.
Whoever said butter was a bad thing?
Silence is often the best answer, but it’s a lousy way to start a conversation.
If you’re going to be cheap, do it when it saves you hundreds of dollars, not when it means your family gets to eat the crappiest no-name tuna fish so you can save a nickel.
You’ll never know where the line is unless you step over it once in a while.
If God created me in his own image, then maybe He has a comfortable pair of shoes I could borrow.