I have a tradition to uphold, a tradition shared by our great forefather, Ben Franklin, who upon signing the Declaration of Independence became one of the first in a long line of American fat bald guys with glasses. Not only did Ben help invent America, he did invent bi-focal glasses. Fat and bald I can’t give him as much credit for, though he was clearly a leader and shining example of both.
Now amazingly, as we progress into 2005, I realize that I am destined to be one of the last fat bald guys with glasses in America. In another generation, we’ll have a pill that can melt away fat, a tonic that can grow hair, and simple laser eye surgery that can be performed at a booth in the mall, the same way kids now have their ears pierced. No one will ever look like me again.
So I follow in the proud tradition of Franklin, a man who vainly wore a coonskin cap in the palace of the King of France in order to cover his baldness, a man who learned French primarily so he could order a la carte. We fat bald guys with glasses will be mocked, but we will not lose our place in the buffet line. We may have difficulty reading signs, but that will not stop us from predicting the future.
For at least a few more years, we will continue to stand among you as perfect models for all that is wrong with nature.
o Diligence is the Mother of good luck. The Father, meanwhile, is in the casino, trying to double his paycheck at the roulette wheel.
o Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise. Which means that the perfect time to suffocate wealthy wise guys is right after the Letterman show.
o Experience is often the most painful way of learning, but at least you never have to worry about studying for a quiz.
o Both fish and visitors smell after three days. So whose idea was it to let them use the good towels?
o God helps them that help themselves. God loves them that love themselves. God touches them that touch themselves. Say É what kind of pervert is this God?
o Haste makes waste. Unless you’re stuck in rush hour traffic on the Beltway.
o Beware the hobby that requires replacement parts from Italy, and only burns premium fuel.
“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to prosper.” -Ben Franklin
o Don’t hide your talent, it was made to use. But if your talent is for suffering, better learn to sing the blues.
o If you want to get somewhere in life, you need to know three things: where you came from, where you’re going, and where your wife left the keys to the car.
o On Judgement Day, we shall be examined by what we did, not what we said. However, agents of the Homeland Security Department are now operating under a different set of rules.
o While talking with friends at a Philadelphia tavern, Ben Franklin was accosted by a drunken man who had overheard him discussing the Declara-tion of Independence. Slandering the document, the fellow shouted: “Them words don’t mean nothing at all. Where’s all the happiness the document says it guarantees us?” Franklin replied, “My friend, the Declaration of Independence only guarantees the American people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself!”