Poor Raymond’s Almanac

Posted , by Ray Lesserin Categories: Ray Lesser Editorialstagged: advice, almanac, credit, funny, lesser, obama2 Comments
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Courteous Reader,

Last year the bottom fell out, the top lost its head, but the middle muddled through. Many of our biggest banks managed to collapse by following the motto: “Give credit where credit is dubious.” Fortunately, Obama is now president and spring is coming soon. Time to prepare the ground for planting a new crop of energy efficient, renewable, sustainable, transcendental corn, beans, and tomatoes. We may have lost our shirts, but new ones are now available at all the malls for 50, 75, even 90 percent off! The year will be filled with exciting discoveries, but in the meantime, if you learn to appreciate everything you don’t know, you’ll always have a great deal to be thankful for.

The Sayings:

  • A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single schlep.
  • My Dad always said that if you want to succeed in life, you’ve got to take your foot out of your mouth and stick it in the door. It should be noted that Dad always walked with a noticeable limp.
  • Build a better mousetrap and the kitty cats’ union will firebomb your factory.
  • Time heals all wounds, but if you had listened to your mother and hadn’t been running with the scissors, this never would have happened in the first place.
  • A bird in your hand will eventually crap on your shoes.
  • All things come to he who works at the lost and found.
  • Before criticizing a woman, walk a mile in her pointy, high-heeled shoes. No wonder she’s always in such a bad mood.
  • Bad news travels fast, unless your Internet provider is Comcast.
  • Boys will be boys, and dogs will be dogs. But dogs will never be boys, unless the genetic engineers start getting a little wild at their convention in Las Vegas.
  • Time flies when you’re having fun, but it still has to pay the $25 baggage surcharge.
  • Buy the best and you only cry once — when they come to repossess everything because you can’t afford the payments.
  • If your name is Block, don’t name your son Chip, no matter how good the idea seems to your friends at the bar.
  • Desperate times call for desperate measures. But if I have to give up HBO, she’s going to have to cancel her subscription to the Fruit of the Month Club.
  • Honesty is the best policy, but often second-best is good enough.
  • Fed-Ex is a fly-by-night operation.
  • After the rain comes a rainbow, along with an inch of water in my basement.
  • Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t know. So when you see the devil, be sure to introduce yourself and ask about his family.
  • A penny saved is a penny gathering dust in a jar on the dresser.
  • Believe nothing of what you hear and only half of what you see. It’s probably been Photoshopped.
  • If time is money and your money’s all gone, then your time must be just about up. Thanks for playing, and here’s Jay to tell you about your parting gift.
  • If God had wanted man to fly, he would have given him a ride to the airport and a free upgrade to first class.
  • If life gives you lemons, try your best not to squirt the juice into your eye and then wipe it with the finger you used to clean the hot peppers.
  • If the shoe fits, the prince will want to ball you for the rest of your life.
  • If you want breakfast in bed, sleep with a blueberry muffin.

Posted , by Ray Lesserin Categories: Ray Lesser Editorialstagged: advice, almanac, credit, funny, lesser, obama2 Comments
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2 Comments on “Poor Raymond’s Almanac”

  1. Pingback: Funny Times March 2008 Issue | The Funny Times

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