First, I need to turn off the radio alarm clock that I put on the other side of the bedroom and tuned to the worst A.M. tea-bag talk station in town, so I can’t stand to lie in bed for even a minute longer listening to them rant about the Nazi Communist baby-killing do-gooder conspiracy that’s trying to take away our right to shoot immigrants. But first I have to use the bathroom, and why is the door locked, and I thought we had this conversation about locking doors, especially early in the morning when your father needs to go in right away and he can’t wait, and you take too long, and how did you get in there before me anyway? But first I need to go out into the cold and get my newspapers and rehash all the misery of yesterday ’til I can’t stand it anymore, but first I need to read the sports section, but first I need to do the crossword puzzle, but first I’d better make myself something nutritious to eat and not another going stale bagel covered by who-left-this-open hardened-edges cream cheese.
But first we can’t be late again, how did it get to be time to go when you don’t have your lunch packed and where’s your homework, and where are my shoes, and who didn’t put the keys back where I always keep them so I can find them when I’m running late and I know you must have left them where I’ll never be able to find them in time and, wait, now I remember, they’re in my jacket pocket, but first I’ve got to take my vitamins and supplements or I’ll lose my hair, or I’ll lose my suppleness, or I’ll lose my bone density, or I’ll lose my voracious virility, or I’ll lose my mind.
But first I have to scrape the ice off the windshield, because the car is parked in the driveway and the wheelbarrow and used furniture that someone may want someday are parked in the garage, but first I have to drop the kid off at school, but first I have to walk around the lake, so my body doesn’t turn into a sack of fat and vestigial organs, but first I have to find a parking space because someone is parked in my parking space that has a temporary tag and a smashed window and will probably need a court order to move, but first I have to make a police report, but first I’d rather have a root canal.
But first I’ve got to go in to the office and say hello to everyone and have a cup of coffee and tell them what I thought about the adorable kid on TV last night who won the Big Prize that will be the high point of his life and in 30 years he’ll still be dragging it around with him to every AA meeting, and remembering how it ruined his life, but first I need to check my e-mail, but first I’ve got to delete all the spam, but first I want to know why someone can’t invent a spam message that will surreptitiously infect everyone’s computer and then automatically delete all the spam messages that you get, but first I’ve got to check the news sites to see if anything important happened since I was listening to the morning report in the car, but first I’ll check my Facebook to see if anyone has posted anything worth reading or forwarding or pontificating on or stealing or making fun of or who they think I should be friends with today, oh yeah, like I’d ever be friends with him, just because we both once dated the same two sisters in high school who both moved to L.A. and became lawyers and got married and moved to the suburbs and just posted photos of some famous people at a party they went to and oh my god, it’s the adorable kid who won the Big Prize last night! I once dated two girls who went to the party for the adorable kid who won the Big Prize! I’ve got to tell Bob and Al.
But first I’ve got to Google something about what supplements would be good to take for this rash, but first I’ve got to take this phone call from the guy who said he’d fix the roof but then never came to fix the roof and so I hired another guy to fix the roof and he never came to fix the roof, and so should I tell this guy to come fix the roof?
Now it’s really time to get started, but first I need to have a snack, but first Kathy needs to ask me a question, but first I have to find that report that we got last month that explained everything using simple charts, but first I have to download a new version of the software to read the report, because the old version doesn’t work, or it’s time-expired, or is it pirated? Did they sell me pirated software? I’m going to call up that salesman and complain, but first I’d better go get some lunch but, oh my god, how did it get to be five o’clock already, I’ve got to go pick up the kid from practice, but first I’d better stop at the store and get something for dinner and it better be something that everyone will eat this time, because we’re tired of making five different things because this one won’t eat vegetables and this one’s a vegan and this one’s on a beet juice fast and this one’s on a wild asparagus diet and this one hates cooking and wants to go out to a restaurant, but there’s not a single one in the city that we can all agree on.
So now it’s finally time to get started, but first I have to sign these permission slips so you can go on the class trip to Canada, but first I need to make sure your passport is still going to be valid, oh crap, so now we need to get you a new passport, but first you need new passport photos, but first we have to schedule a time when we can all go together as a family to the Post Office to prove to the Post Office clerk that we’re not terrorists and we really do both want you to go to Canada, and no one’s trying to kidnap you, or hold you for a ransom, but it’s just the 8th grade French class.
And I need to take a shower, but first I have to make sure the kids are really in bed, and not just texting under the covers or playing Tetris or killing aliens, but first I need to have a snack, but first I need to finish the crossword puzzle, but first I need to do my relaxation exercises, but first I need to get a good night’s sleep so that tomorrow I’ll finally be ready to get started.
