You-Niversal Insurance

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You-Niversal Insurance Company covers all our customers’ needs, fears, and phobias. We’ve got insurance for every disease known to mankind, plus some experimental diseases that scientists are currently working on in their secret labs. We cover accident, death, dismemberment, bad sushi, and even house pets who go insane and suddenly turn on you because you’ve served one too many bowls of generic kibble. You-Niversal covers you from the cradle to the grave. Whether you need treatment for diaper rash or erectile dysfunction, we’ll be there, behind the scenes, pulling the strings, recalculating how much you owe the doctor, carefully keeping track of all your deductibles, whether they are in-network, out-of-network, or on cable. Although we can’t guarantee you’ll always arrive at your destination in one piece, we will help pay for the emergency personnel needed to pick up all your pieces and try to put them back together again.

You-Niversal Insurance is the answer to almost any what-if question you can think of. What if a volcano suddenly erupts in suburban Cleveland and buries my house in four feet of volcanic ash? Well, there’s nothing to worry about, if you have the Volcano rider on your homeowner’s policy that’ll allow you to build right on top of your old house, as soon as the smoke and dead bodies are cleared out. But what if I don’t want to move back into the hellish ruins of my old neighborhood? Then you’re still in luck, if you bought our Take the Money and Run rider that pays extra when you need to flee your city, state, or dictatorship. In fact, beginning in the Year of Our Doom 2012, we also offer a Blast Off Into Another Galaxy rider that will allow you to escape the toxic, smoldering remnants of Earth, if and when the time comes, completely at the expense of You-Niversal Insurance Company.

What if I’m in an accident and I forget who I am? Don’t worry, we know who you are, where you are, and how much money you have, at all times. We know pretty much all there is to know about you, and we use that information, along with all the comprehensive data we keep on every other client, to figure out what your premium should be. We do this as a service to you, to make sure you are only paying your fair share for insurance. Why should you have to pay more because your next-door neighbor likes to eat bacon double cheeseburgers from the drive thru every night, and then smoke a pack of Camels after dinner? In fact, why should we have to pay to take care of a loser like that? Let him pay for his own damn triple bypass.

No, who we really care about at You-Niversal is You, as long as you don’t have any preexisting conditions, or genetic defects, or genetic predispositions, or a history of mental illness, or a bad credit rating, or at least a 25 percent higher propensity to get into accidents than the historic mean, taking into account other highly indicative factors of idiotic behavior, such as risking your life by yelling at SUV drivers who cut you off but also outweigh you by 50 pounds and are carrying loaded guns.

And don’t forget that we also offer the ultimate deals on the ultimate product: Life Insurance. We can make you feel like a million bucks, but not until you’re dead. In fact, this has become somewhat of a problem for us lately as many of our clients are now worth much more dead than alive. This gives an unfortunate incentive to many of your close associates, business partners that you may owe money to, your second wife who hasn’t been very happy with you lately, your disgruntled college graduate son who moved back into your basement last summer and still hasn’t found a job in his field (Latin Poetry?). Yes, although these people may really love you, and want you to succeed in paying them back what you owe, and buy them more clothes and jewelry, and fix the broken plumbing in the second floor bathroom, they may be having some second thoughts about whether or not you’ll ever be capable of doing these things without some outside help, or an unexpected windfall like winning the lottery or, hmmm, what about that million dollar life insurance policy … ?

So, we’ve begun to offer a new product to our “underwater” customers. To make sure we don’t ever find your body underwater in a deserted lake or pond, we’re offering Bodyguard Insurance. With this coverage, if you ever find yourself worth more dead than alive, we’ll provide round-the-clock protection for you, including food tasting, bomb detection services, and assistance going up and down steep ladders to clean the gutters.

You-Niversal Insurance: You may not be able to afford it, but you can’t afford to live without it. Better to be safe than … you know, dead. So what are you waiting for? Call us today for a free quote and we’ll put you on the waiting list for a transplant of the organ of your choice. Remember, it’s never too early to start planning for disaster!

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