Good morning and welcome to Wednesday, brought to you by Google Tracking Calendar: Keep track of your day with Google Tracking and we’ll keep track of you. How do you look this morning? Take a peek in the Spotlight Mirror, brought to you by Dr. Emil Flutterbutter, plastic surgeon. He can fix that unsightly mole, and while he’s at it, make your face look like it’s been permanently pressed! Call today for an appointment!
What shall you wear today? Have a look in your bedroom closet, sponsored by Saks Fifth Avenue: Take the unworn clothes from our racks and make them the unworn clothes on your racks.
Now it’s time to make some toast, brought to you by Toastmasters: Learn to be a master toaster and have confidence speaking and buttering and jamming. Toastasters, for all your toasting needs. Here’s today’s toast: May you live long and prosper in such a way that you stimulate the economy and drive consumer spending to new heights!
Now for a look at the morning newspaper, brought to you by the Woodchoppers Union, the Pulp Papermakers Association, and Gino’s Used Car Lot: Gino knows you’ve got places to go, so he’s always ready to sell you a hunka, hunka burning junka to get there.
What’s this: New Housing Starts Up Again For The 6th Consecutive Month! This headline is brought to you by the Real Estate Brokers of America: Going Broker before your eyes. And when you need an underwater loan, call Benny the Banker – he’s spent more time underwater than a Coho salmon. Benny the Banker, for all your blankety blanking banking needs.
How’s the team doing? State wins another game, with a field goal in overtime. This happy sports news is brought to you by Joe the Bookie. Squander your paycheck with Joe this week and receive a complimentary car wash and shoe shine from Joe’s brother, Andy. Just be sure to check that your GPS and radar detector are still on the dashboard before you drive off. Joe cannot be responsible for Andy’s sticky fingers, but hey, he does give a helluva nice shine if you keep your eye on him.
Now it’s time to drive to work. This drive is sponsored by the Drive-By Shooters Association: Give us a shot. Today’s fear-mongering message: Be careful who you look at; they may get upset and try to shoot you. But remember, if you have a gun, you can always shoot them first. So join the Drive-By Shooters and receive a free box of ammo and your choice of endangered species target to practice on.
“Good morning, Mr. Smith!” This enthusiastic greeting is brought to you by Union Greeters. The reason we’re so cheerful is that we’re in the union. If you want a bunch of sullen, miserable, angry employees, just try to get rid of us and see how far you get. But hurry along, you don’t want to be late for the staff meeting, sponsored today by Dunkin’ Donuts. No meeting is complete without a vat of caffeine and a box of greasy, chewy, sugar-coated idea starters. Now featuring low-cal, low cholesterol, and sugar-free products. Dunkin’ Donuts: We’re not just for fat people anymore.
What’s that vibrating in your pocket? An important message from the World Vibration Association: We give you the best excuse to leave boring meetings and situations of all kinds. The least you could do would be to answer our survey question before you disappear into the men’s room to read the rest of your e-mails. Today’s survey question is: How much money do you have, and how much would you like to give us if we promise not to ask for more for at least another 24 hours?
And into the bathroom stall. This bathroom is brought to you by Bathrooms United for a Better World: We don’t just go with the flow; we bring the flow to you.
Time to work on the Bailey account. This account is brought to you by Off the Books Accounting: We cut corners so you don’t have to. And Area Temps: Are you sure this is really a job that you need to mess up yourself? Why not call in our grossly underpaid team of desperate temps that know nothing about your business and free yourself to mess up something much more important?
Finally, it’s quitting time, brought to you by Bilge Beer: We help numb the pain of another day of mindless routine. And SuperSalty Pretzel Nuts: We make it easy to drink too much. We’re nuts about salt.
Then it’s home to the wife and kids. These kids are brought to you by Trojan Condoms: Protecting you from the consequences of too much beer after work. Except when you forget to use them. Or the one percent of the time when they fail. Also brought to you by Daddy What Did You Bring Us! The store that carries all the most heavily advertised children’s toys and games. Don’t be a disappointing dad like your dad was. At Daddy What Did You Bring Us! we know exactly what your kid expects of you.
Now let’s sit down to a family dinner, lovingly prepared by your wife, who’s been working hard all day taking care of the kids and preparing for your arrival home. This fantasy has been brought to you by Time Warp TV Channel. Visit Time Warp TV for an exact recreation of every TV show and ad from your childhood, and relive the past that you thought would become your future. If you microwave a burrito, you might still have a chance to catch the latest episode of Leave It To Beaver, or Father Knows Best.
Then fall asleep in your chair. This TV stupor nap is brought to you by The American Political Party PAC: We tell you what to think for your own good. Because what you think won’t matter anyway, unless you have a few million bucks to back it up with.
And finally, a good night kiss. This kiss is brought to you by … nobody? This moment is available for sponsorship! So send out the word and maybe you can make a few bucks selling ad space in every private moment of your life, too!