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Service With A Smile

Please enter your password. I’m sorry, we have no record of you in our system. Therefore you do not exist. If you wish to exist, please go to your preferences menu and reset your existence. Need help? Please send a message to our help desk and we will get back to you. Or maybe not. Maybe we’ll send you a new password, or maybe your communication will be lost in our automated messaging system. We are currently upgrading our system. Please expect delays for the rest of your natural life.

We do not recognize the device you are using. If that really is you using the device, prove it by entering your date of birth, mother’s second cousin’s maiden name, and your favorite pet when you were six years old. What do you mean Hammy the hamster was your favorite pet? What about Paw-Paw, your kitty cat? All this time you pretended she was your favorite, but now you change your mind? This is an unacceptable response. You will need to resend all your information encrypted and notarized by an Italian priest.

I’m sorry, you have the wrong number. Please check your number and try again. If you don’t know your party’s extension, please stay on the line until our operator is finished talking to her boyfriend about what a lousy party he took her to on Saturday night, or until your arm goes numb, whichever comes first. Then hang up and dial again. Maybe you’ll get luckier next time, or maybe not, but it really doesn’t make much difference to us either way. We’re vacationing in Cancun, and if we ever return, we’ll try to make more money by outsourcing customer service to a Prison Farm near Huntsville, Alabama. What will we do if they come up with a scam to steal your credit card info? Arrest them? Ha ha.

All of our products have been rigorously tested by our quality control department. Most of them failed the tests, but we shipped them out anyway. Because we make a lot more money that way, and we need to make money to stay in business. You wouldn’t want us to go out of business, would you, because then where would you get the crap we sell so cheap? We will charge your credit card as quickly as we can and ship your order as soon as we get around to it. I’m not sure when it was shipped. But I think it was shipped. Check with the Post Office, maybe they lost it. Or possibly UPS. I can’t really tell you who shipped it, since our network is down, because we bought the cheapest computers and the cheapest operations system, and we have the lowest paid tech support staff in the country. And we pass all those savings on to you.

No, I’m sorry, you can’t speak to my supervisor — he was laid off last week. The company decided I didn’t need any supervision. Regular vision is plenty good enough. If there’s a problem, I can take care of it. Unless I can’t, in which case I put it in a box with all the other problems I can’t take care of. Then, at the end of every week, the janitor comes and empties out the box and brings me a clean box to put all my new problems in. I really don’t know what happens after that. Maybe you want to talk to the janitor? I think he’s here every night starting at midnight. Or maybe it’s every Friday at midnight. Something like that.

Our motto is, “We aim to please.” I’m sorry nobody really ever taught us to aim very well. Maybe we need more target practice. If you’d like to come in to the company firing range and volunteer, I’m sure everyone here would be very appreciative. We don’t get that many chances to practice on live customers. Mostly we just delete angry phone messages.

Could you call back later when someone else is here? No, they won’t be able to help you either, but I’m kind of tired of talking to you and I could really use a candy bar. You know, maybe one of those chocolatey, peanuty, caramely kind. Pretty much the only reason I have for working here is the vending machine selection. We’re all independent contractors, so there are no paid days off, or overtime, or health care, or pension plan. We only get two bathroom breaks a day, but we are randomly asked to pee in a cup, so we get to find out if one of our dates has secretly doped us. Oh yeah, and everyone gets a free badge that says “Smile, you’re on the Happy Team!”

This call is being monitored for quality control. It’s also being monitored to make sure you aren’t a terrorist. So watch your language, buster. Don’t be threatening that you’re going to sue us, or report us, or somehow get even with us — that will only make it that much worse for you the next time you try to get on an airplane to visit your Aunt Mabel in Wichita. Yeah, we know all about your Aunt Mabel; why do you think she never visits you? Because she’s already on our Watch List.

You pays your money and you takes your chances. You think some peasant kid making 70 cents an hour in China really cares if he’s screwed your lid on forward or backward? Just be thankful for what you’ve got. Our agents are standing by to take your order. Better luck next time.

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