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The Fad Diet Food Court

“The McCallisters and your brother’s family are coming over for dinner tomorrow. What should we have?”

“I’m not sure what to make for the McCallisters, but my brother is on a new diet. He’ll only eat grass-fed meat, fat, and celery sticks.”

“That could be a problem. Jane McCallister is on a low-fat vegan diet.”

“I guess we could feed them both celery sticks. But what about the rest of us?”

“Oh, and Jane’s husband will only eat Kosher food.”

“I thought they were Episcopalians. I didn’t know there were any Kosher Episcopalians.”

“There is one now.”

“Don’t forget my nephew — David can’t stand it if any of the food on his plate touches. Even if one of the peas is touching the mashed potatoes, he won’t eat either of them. And his sister Clara will only eat raw foods.”

“So nuts and berries are OK for her?”

“Only if the nuts are sprouted. She’ll only eat food that’s still alive.”

“Maybe I’ll buy a live chicken for her and your brother. If we can find a Kosher butcher, the Episcopalian can share it with them.”

“Don’t forget my sister-in-law is on a juice fast. Do we still have that juicer we got for our wedding 30 years ago?”

“This whole dinner is beginning to seem impossible. We’re never going to be able to feed them all without strangling someone first.”

“Listen, I’ve got an idea. There’s a new place at the Hollywood Mall — the Fad Diet Food Court. I think they have food stands for almost any diet out there. Check out the menus on their website.”

“This place is called Oh Baby! It specializes in the Baby Food Diet. That’s for people who eat baby food instead of a meal, in order to lose weight.”

“That also sounds good for the McCallisters’ one-year-old.”

“Then there’s Kale Me Crazy. Every item on the menu has kale in it.”

“If they have kale juice, my sister-in-law could eat there.”

“What do you suppose The Dairy Godmother serves?”

“I don’t know, but I wonder if she has a magic wand that she could wave over all our guests so that we could just buy a gallon of ice cream for dessert.”

“Tequila Mockingbird?”

“I’m ready to go there right now.”

“T-Rex! This might be perfect for your brother. It caters to the Paleo Diet.”

“And as an added benefit, if he doesn’t like how the food is prepared, the chef will bite off his head.”

“I had no idea the Fad Diet Food Court existed. There seems to be something for everyone here. There’s The Energizer, for people on the Alkaline Diet. Positively Type O, for Blood Type dieters. The Detox Diner. Tutti Frutti for fruitarians. And The Big Banana, for people on the Morning Banana Diet.”

“What about people on the Evening Banana Diet?”

“They have Cabbage Soup Café, for Cabbage Soup Dieters, and The Pink Grapefruit for Grapefruit Dieters.”

“How about Lord of the Fries? They have five different kinds of French fries and fifteen different sauces to choose from. Does that mean someone’s written a book on losing weight by eating fries?”

“There’s also a place in the mall that has something to do with the Master Cleanse: All’s Well That Ends Well.”

“That’s more than I need to know.”

“Here’s a food court booth that doesn’t serve any food at all, Fast and Friendly. They just give you a tray with an empty cup and plate, so you can sit in the food court and not look like a stalker.”

“Is there any place for us to eat?”

“Maybe Wok ’n Roll or Wild Thyme Café?”

“Should we wear our dancing shoes?”

“Then, dessert looks like a choice between Planet of the Crépes and Life of Pie.”

“All right, this sounds like a plan. Let’s have everyone meet there at 7 p.m. Afterwards, maybe we can go out to a movie.”

“You know we’re never going to get all those people to agree on a movie.”

“That’s OK, the mall has a 24-screen multiplex. Everyone can pick their own movie. Or else we could all stay in the food court and watch Netflix on our phones.”

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