Other News From 2018
While we were busy obsessing over Robert Mueller and his investigation of the Trump Crime Family, and their ongoing relocations from the White House to the Big House, a lot of other interesting things were happening. Here is a recap of some other news that occurred in 2018:
— David Barnett, a philosophy professor in Boulder, Colorado, was named Entrepreneur of the Year, after selling more than 35 million PopSockets, that little button that people stick on the back of their smartphones to make it easier to untangle their earbuds. This bodes well for his next product PopSocrates, which will make it easier to untangle the theories of ancient Greek philosophers.
— Just when Apple pretty much stopped selling iPods, everyone famous (or who thinks they’re famous) started doing Podcasts. Look for 2019 to mark a major return of Polaroid photo selfies.
— Our tumbling composter finally rusted out so that we can no longer repair it. Does anyone know if it’s possible to compost a composter? How many worms would we need to get started?
— The cat who diddle-diddled the fiddle was outed by the #MeToo movement after the little dog laughed to Ronan Farrow at the New Yorker. Meanwhile it turns out that the cow who, in her youth, jumped over the moon is now spending 12-14 hours a day lying on a waterbed, which relieves the arthritis in her joints, increases her milk production, and has totally renewed her love life. Unfortunately there is nothing new to report on the dish who ran away with the spoon. They were last seen at the bus station diner fleeing from their jilted former partners, the bowl and fork.
— For the first time anyone can remember, Uncle Phil told a funny joke:
Three friends die in a car accident and they go together to their orientation in heaven. They are all asked, “At your funeral, when your body is lying in its casket and your family is mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”
The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and healer in my community, and a great husband and father.”
The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a dedicated school teacher who really made a difference for all the children that I taught.”
The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say … LOOK, HE’S MOVING!!!”
— Wireless augmented hearing became a reality in many newer smartphones. Half of all advanced internet users recently surveyed think that earphones that let you select which people in a room you want to hear clearly, and which people you want to mute, will be mainstream in only three years. And 81 percent believe earphones that charge wirelessly, so that you never have to take them out of your ears, will be mainstream in only five years. The most anticipated functionality for such earphones is real-time translation of all languages, desired by 63 percent of respondents. But 52 percent also want to block out the sound of snoring family members in order to sleep.
— Many people think that the pace of technological change is so great that it is impossible to keep their skills up to date in their chosen professions. But there is an upside to this phenomenon for those of us of a certain age who may be prone to forgetting what we already know. Almost half of people surveyed this year say they often just search the internet for how to do things because they have either forgotten or because there is a newer, better way to do it anyway.
— Our friend Conrad invented a new sandwich which he is sure will become as big a hit as the BLT, the Reuben, or the Chili Dog. In fact he’s so sure about it that he’s been spending thousands of dollars trying to patent and trademark his sandwich. Until he does he has refused to tell us exactly what the sandwich consists of or what he wants to name it for fear that even his closest friends might try to steal his idea and the fortune that he’s sure he will soon make.
Recently, however, he finally relented to let a few of us do a taste-test of his creation. First we were blindfolded and the room lights turned off to make sure there was no possibility of us seeing what the sandwich looked like. Unfortunately Conrad tripped in the dark and dumped his entire sandwich tray on the floor before he could serve us. By the time he found the light switch, his dogs had already cleaned up almost all traces of the mess. So we’re still not sure what to make of this sandwich other than that it contains pickle slices and toothpicks, which were the only things that the dogs didn’t devour.
