Doing business in 2025
My rolodex has changed a lot since 1985 when we started The Funny Times. Back then one of the most important phone numbers I had for each contact was their fax number, which allowed us to instantly send blurry, partly illegible documents back and forth to each other to review, and possibly even sign. We haven’t quite reached the day when I tell my AI assistant to engage my counterparts’ AI assistants and then tell us what they’ve decided we’re going to do, but it’s coming. In the meantime, I still use the little cards in my rolling contact file, because they allow me to make certain special (off-line) notes about each person that I can review before I try to communicate with them. Here are a few examples:
Pamela K. (Canada) Paper Supply Co.
Now requires payment in advance in Canadian dollars or Euros. Shipments subject to tariffs of 10% or 25%-35%, or possibly more or none at all. Also has warned of serious delays in deliveries due to back-ups at the border where agents are searching for Fentanyl and cheap generic drugs like Cialis from being smuggled in by senior citizens.
NOTE: Has threatened to cut us off if we make one more joke about poutine, curling or ice hockey.
Forest S. (pronouns they/them) Social Media Consultant
Does not work until after 1 pm. Mon.-Wed. every other week. Text first and they will call back within the next three days (usually at dinner time).
Charges $200 hour, timed in 5 minute increments, so don’t let them chit-chat about their cat’s latest viral video on Tik Tok. Wants payment via Venmo.
Matt W. (pronoun: Hey you!) Cartoonist
alias: The Graphic Ghost
currently wanted in three states for practicing satire without a permit.
Contact via Signal or carrier pigeon
payment in funny money
Jazz K. (Pronoun: “I am not a robot”) The IT Guy
Currently retired but designed our entire computer system and database and is still providing us tech support as long as we promise not to try to tempt him with any more pastries or gourmet coffee.
Contact via WhatsApp, Slack, Telegram, or Beeper. Yes, he still uses a beeper.
payments: “Apple Pay or gold dust”.
Hank W. (pronoun: “F— you!”) Patriot Electrical
Leave message with his wife Doreen, if she hasn’t divorced him yet.
Refused to wear mask or get vaccinated for Covid, which he then almost died from. Was arrested inside the Capitol on Jan. 6 but eventually pardoned.
Is the only electrician we’ve ever found who still knows how to repair the wiring in our 125-year-old building.
Demands payment in $trump coins.
PLEASE NOTE: Warn employees when he is scheduled to come as he usually dresses in camo and packs a 9mm Glock and a can of bear spray on his tool belt.
Arthur P. – Freelance Writer
alias: The Great Artini
Doesn’t use his real name because he wants recognition someday for The Great American Novel that he’s currently five years and 1000 pages into. Writes humor to keep sane. Has never been sane.
payment: chocolate or homegrown pot
Eziz K. – Dentist
Works for 1/3 the price of any other dentist in town. Diploma on his wall summa cum laude from Turkmen State Medical University. Came to US when brother of strongman president threatened retribution after breaking off a crown opening a vodka bottle with his teeth.
Contact: Go to apartment 6D and knock three times, pause, then six times more. Secretary will meet you, then take you blindfolded through several passageways to his office.
Payment: Cash only, unless you have canisters of laughing gas to barter.
Enrique R. – Graphic Artist
Has moved his business from Dallas to Guadalajara after being harassed multiple times by masked men in unmarked cars carrying guns, who refused to identify themselves. Says business has improved as he now has many fewer power outages, better internet service, and much better weather (and Mexican food.)
NOTE:has offered a place to stay in case of any emergency!
Harry B. – Tax Accountant
Wants to review our entry system to optimize for new IRS rules.
Says we longer need to keep track of clean energy improvements or cost of employee coffee, snacks, or bus passes as these are no longer deductible. But SHOULDkeep track of “tips”, “experimental costs”, and any payments made to Vinny, the guy with the MAGA hat and gold sneakers who will come around every Thursday afternoon to collect new government “operating fees”.
Gene C – Climax Ad Agency
Wants us to move away from advertising on legacy or social media sites and toward doing graffiti on streets near scheduled demonstrations and passing out gas masks with our logo and QR code.
NOTE: also does tattooing, house painting, and herbal remedies.
Payment: Discount coupons or gift cards.
Read the November 2025 issue of Funny Times
I been “reading” FT for over 30 years. I say “reading” because, honestly, I seldom read it. I support the print version because like you, I feel a need for tactile absorption….but at times, I retreat into the pages, needing a break from reality’s serious sicknesses, and as we know….laughter is the best medicine. Keep up the good work, you two…kudos and much Respect to you.
Dear Ray & Sue,
This is really quite funny, as I would expect. You somehow have kept me on your Rolodex (perhaps under Max Entropy; that’s as much as I can tell you about him) since I first subscribed in 1994, before let it lapse about a decade ago. Afterward I would get one or two email pleas a year which I did read but disregarded. Recently, you have been bombarding me with panels almost on a daily basis. Is that what Forrest told you to do?
In all honesty, I don’t find your teasers all that funny. That and having become disappointed in the comparative lack of levity in the last few issues I received told me it was time for a break. Anyway, I didn’t have time to dive for pearls of mirth because I was running a blog and was working on a novel that came out in six years ago along with a site for it. Another one came out last year and I would say it’s a triumph (“A masterful tale that transcends genres” as one reviewer (not Max Entropy) put it), but I’m still waiting for my royalty check.
All this is to say I spent a lot more time writing than reading and didn’t want to fill up my recycling bin. For which I sort of apologize, because I know you guys work hard. I’m sure of that, given your list of contractors. So let’s be friends. I wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to that Rolodex.
It struck me as “funny” that you used Patriot Electrical as the name of your fictional electric company. We used a local company called Patriot Electric until they suddenly went out of business without warning or any communication with their customers.