THINK THIS THROUGH BEFORE YOU DIY

There are a lot of chores that I’m perfectly happy to let someone else do for me. It’s not that I’m incapable of doing many of them. Yes, I know how to mow my lawn, or fix a leaky faucet, or change the oil in my car. But is that really how I want to spend Saturday morning, when I could, instead be working on the crossword puzzle and counting how many charms are in a box of Lucky Charms? And maybe piling all the four-leaf-clovers into one significant spoonful, possibly enough to win the pot of gold at the end of the pick 6 rainbow with one swallow?

When I was younger, I felt that I had a lot to prove to myself and my peers. I needed to show that I, too, was perfectly capable of scraping the skin off my knuckles rebuilding an engine, or painting a house, or building a deck. I was a manly man who could hammer, saw, and drill, baby, drill! I knew how to torque bolts, dress a rabbit, climb mountains, and build a fire by rubbing two sticks together, or by directing a bolt of lightning through a kite-string.

But now that I’ve proven myself, I’ve discovered that just because I can do all these hardware store, Auto Zone, Army surplus kind of chores doesn’t mean that I really enjoy any of them. Also, I’m not particularly adept at most of them. So why not leave it to someone who is a virtuoso at plunging and snaking a toilet, or at least doesn’t mind getting his boots full of crap in order to pay his rent? I’ve come to realize it’s much more efficient for me to concentrate on the things that I do best, like reading cartoons and writing criticism of obscure YouTube documentaries (like the “Most Mysterious Discoveries of 2024”), and let experts take care of those tasks which I’m more likely to either botch horribly or throw out my back attempting.

Especially as I’ve grown older and discovered how terribly far away my feet are from my hands, I’m choosing to let others take care of anything that needs doing that is anywhere near ground level. So, no scrubbing floors, weeding gardens, or trying to buy any item on the bottom shelf of the grocery store. That’s what you take grandchildren to the store for. Likewise, as my balance has gotten more precarious, I don’t get up on ladders to change lightbulbs, clean gutters, or try to destroy hornets nests. Yeah, that was something I once honestly believed that it was my responsibility to do. But I quickly found what an incredibly good value a pest removal service is, and also how it is possible to use up an entire tube of Benadryl in a single sleepless night.

I do have a longstanding belief that the best experts are the ones who have been doing something for a long time. The problem with that bias is that most of these folks are now as old as I am. This tends to mean that they should no longer be getting down on their surgically rebuilt knees to have a look behind the plumbing access panel for the bathtub, either, unless I’m willing to hire a crane or a moving crew to get them propped back up on their feet again.

So even though they have the most comprehensive knowledge, the highly experienced guys may no longer be the best people to hire to do your chores. Instead us old guys have to finally realize that the time has come to give a new generation a chance to make the mistakes that we made when we were their age. This is how they will learn and eventually become the trustworthy experts that the world will someday rely on. In the meantime, they might forget to turn off the valve before they start dismantling the faucet and water might go gushing out onto your recently re-sanded floor, or they may set fire to your garage while trying to weld your wheelbarrow back together. It’s OK, that’s what we have insurance policies for. And at least it wasn’t you who did these stupid things, as you can keep reminding your wife when she asks, “Where did you find this guy?” Besides look what great stories these little miscues make.

One final note. You may have noticed that on YouTube there are now literally millions of how-to videos explaining in detail how to fix almost anything. Most of these videos were made by experts. WARNING: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO DO THESE THINGS YOURSELF AT HOME! That’s exactly what they’d like you to do. That’s where experts get a huge portion of their business; from fools who watch a grainy three minute video and then think they too can repair the discombobulator on their refrigerator, or re-wire the electric exhaust-o-rama in their attic. Then once the would-be do-it-yourselfers have thoroughly botched the job, even after going back and watching the video a second time, that’s when they get the desperate call to come save us poor bastards before our spouses find out what we’ve done.

Finally, if you have a difficult maintenance or repair task and you’re still not sure how to proceed, you can always give me a call. I’m a leading expert with decades of experience at telling other people what they should do.