By Raymond Lesser How do things rise to the top of the to-do list, meaning how do I decide what I’m going to do RIGHT NOW!

By Raymond Lesser I spent my childhood as a kid in a candy store. No ordinary candy store, B & B Candy Company didn’t just have a shelf or two of chocolate bars, gum, and Life Savers, but...

Hi kids, it’s great to see all your smiling faces back for another exciting school year here at Alligator Junior High! Looks like more than a few of you forgot to put on your sunblock before you went out to wait for the school bus this morning. Remember, at these temperatures, it only takes a few minutes to have your face turn the color of a rack of barbecued ribs. Also, don’t forget to bring your water bottle with you every day as it’s easy to become dehydrated waiting out there, especially when our bus driver, Mr. Quigley, is running late because of a bad choice he made at the neighborhood tavern last night.

Over the years, some people have suggested to us that The Funny Times is missing out on a large part of the magazine buying public because of our strongly progressive bent. “Conservatives like to laugh, too,” they assure us. “You can easily make fun of both sides on a lot of the issues you are obsessed with and probably double your audience!” So today we’ll give it a try by presenting several ideas that have recently been proposed by climate change skeptics and deniers as solutions to some of our most pressing climate concerns.

I can’t wait to board that airplane that’ll take me on my dream vacation to the golden rolling hills of California. I can’t wait to grab my suitcase to pack and have the fraying handle finally fall off in my hand.

I went to a protest rally in Washington recently called the Rocking Chair Rebellion.

For your continuing safety and well-being the National Insurers Risk Management Assessment Group ask you to fill out this survey to help us keep our customers safe and insure that we don’t have to pay out any unnecessary claims to policyholders who aren’t being as careful as they could be if they realized that their policies can be cancelled at any time for just cause, such as the fact that you smoke cigarettes in bed, or practice target shooting in your basement, or double dip your chips at parties frequented by 6-year-olds.

There are many things in life that we can’t fix. However, due to circumstances beyond our control (like our parents having had one too many drinks on that Valentines Day nine months before we were born) we must try to fix them anyway. Faced with the option of doing nothing or watching the finger we’ve almost chopped off bleed all over the floor, we resort to whatever is available until we can find someone who might be able to expertly sew things back together. Lots of band-aids.

To all the people who took the time and effort to write me a letter this year, but who I never got back to, I’m sorry. I’m sure I read your letter, or at least looked at the subject line, or the outside of the envelope, but then I probably got right back to my game of Candy Crush or obsessing over what to have for lunch that would taste good but wouldn’t mess up my diet.

At the bookstore last week I spotted a featured title, “The Bucket List: 1000 Adventures Big & Small.” It was a fat book with lots of pictures and recommendations for everything from howling at the moon at a Polar Park in Norway to climbing to the peak of Mt. Kilimanjaro. This is a book that might have greatly appealed to my younger self, but when I started to look at it I suddenly felt exhausted.

Within twenty four hours his video had received over one million views and his followers increased from 100 (basically the kids he went to 4H with and a few dozen people with a sheep fetish) to 50,000 overnight. Lots of users reposted his video with comments like “shepherdboy22 saves our sheep!”

I tried to imagine how this thief would have reacted if he’d gone to the trouble of shlepping my bag home.