For your continuing safety and well-being the National Insurers Risk Management Assessment Group ask you to fill out this survey to help us keep our customers safe and insure that we don’t have to pay out any unnecessary claims to policyholders who aren’t being as careful as they could be if they realized that their policies can be cancelled at any time for just cause, such as the fact that you smoke cigarettes in bed, or practice target shooting in your basement, or double dip your chips at parties frequented by 6-year-olds. By filling out and returning this questionnaire promptly you insure that you will continue to be eligible for further insurance coverage on your home, auto, life, and if you remain current on all premiums, your potential afterlife.
1. When was the last time you looked under the basement stairs? You know, in that crawl space that you forgot about? Do you have any idea how many dangerous chemicals, poisons, or forgotten 8-track tapes might be stored under there? Aren’t you curious? Don’t you want to look right now? We’ll wait, but if you don’t come back in one hour we’ll let the police know you’re missing and presumably eaten by the ogre who lives there.
2. Many people are not aware of the dangers of poorly maintained electrical cords. When was the last time you checked all the cords on all your lamps, appliances, and electrical devices to see if they are frayed, or potentially chewed on by mice, or that stray dog your daughter brought over that one time that tried to eat your vacuum cleaner? Do you know how many people get electrocuted by their own appliances, or as the result of carefully inspecting every inch of every electrical cord in their homes? No? Well neither do we, but we’re sure its a lot! So be careful, and maybe hire some teenage kid in the neighborhood to do this job for you and be sure to let us know if he starts glowing in the dark.
3. The most common cause of major injury in the home is falling down stairs. Please note that people almost never die from falling up stairs. So be extra careful when you go down stairs. And we mean every time! Just because your cell phone is ringing and you’re sure it’s finally that hottie you met last week at Pablo’s Taco Bar finally calling back doesn’t give you permission to go running down the stairs in your stocking feet to answer it. What if it’s not them? Do you want to wind up dead or paralyzed for life because you almost missed a call from the Policeman’s Benevolent Association trying to sell you raffle tickets? To really stay safe, don’t use the stairs at all, rent a first floor apartment on a quiet street in Sheboygan.
4. The most dangerous place to go is the kitchen. Your gas stove could leak and kill you with a colorless gas, or it could burn you, or you might drop a meat clever on your foot, or decide to eat some food that is passed its expiration date and wind up with ptomaine poisoning. And don’t even ask what “ptomaine” is or where it comes from: just knowing can make you sick to your stomach for weeks. Also the kitchen is the place where you are most likely to climb up on an unsteady chair to reach for something off the top shelf and fall down and break your patootie. Because the temptation is always to believe that your are as well balanced and athletic as you were when you were 18, even though now you sometimes get dizzy when you stand up out of bed in the middle of the night to go pee. Is there a question in here somewhere for you? I guess the question would be, why don’t you just go down to Grace’s Diner for meals, and stay the hell away from the kitchen altogether? You’re a lousy cook anyway.
5. Do you have any area rugs in your house? Don’t you know how unsafe they are? You can easily trip over the corner of the rug and wind up splitting open your head on the coffee table. Not to mention the fact that rugs harbor all kinds up microscopic mites, and dander, as well as all manner of nasty smells and substances that you can never entirely get rid of no matter how often you vacuum or shampoo or shake and beat them. It would be best to ditch the rugs entirely except then you’d be left with hardwood floors, which can easily get slippery and then when your feet go skidding out from under you the cleaning lady won’t find you broken to pieces until a week from Tueday. Oh well, pick your poison, as the say.
6. I guess what we’re finding out here is that you are uninsurable. There’s no getting around what a high risk lifestyle you currently have. So if you have any insurance now, it’s cancelled, and if not, don’t ever expect to get any from us. You know why. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.