I’ve always tried to live life on the edge. From the time I climbed out of my crib and fell on my head in pursuit of a dropped teddy bear until last week when I crawled under my bed and nearly slipped a disk attempting to win a game of hide & seek with my grandchildren, I’ve always tried to push the limits. But there’s no doubt that the limits have changed. Here are some ways that I’ve lived dangerously, then and now:
Then: Popped pills at parties from a bowl of random tablets that other kids had swiped from their parent’s medicine cabinets.
Now: Take a pill from the medicine cabinet that I think is my prescription but can’t read the label without my glasses which I can’t see well enough to find.
Then: Didn’t pay the electric bill for three months so I could have enough money for beer.
Now: Don’t put my return address or account number on the envelope when I pay my electric bill and stick it in the mailbox the day before it’s due.
Then: Drove 100 mph on the freeway from Miami to Tampa to get there on time for a Jimmy Buffett concert.
Now: Leave on time for a doctor’s appointment, but only if the new parking meter app that I’ve just downloaded onto my phone actually works.
Then: Ate food from all the street vendors during a trip to Mexico (and yes, wound up with a terrible case of Montezuma’s Revenge.)
Now: Eat the yogurt in the fridge even though it’s past its expiration date.
Then: Blasted through red lights and stop signs in the middle of the night while smoking a joint.
Now: Set the cruise control on the freeway for 6 mph above the speed limit while eating an entire bag of reduced salt potato chips.
Then: Walked around the entire elementary school balanced on the sloping second story ornamental ledge with my back to the wall and my feet dangling off the edge.
Now: Walk across the street in the crosswalk without first pushing the pedestrian warning light switch.
Then: Took apart the engine of my old van without knowing how to put it back together again.
Now: Keep driving for a week with the “check engine” light on, until I can finally get an appointment to see my mechanic.
Then: Hitchhiked to California and back sleeping without a tent in parks and under bridges.
Now: Go away for a weekend vacation without first making confirmed hotel reservations.
Then: Operated heavy machinery under the influence of God-knows-what my roommate spiked the punch with.
Now: Ran the VitaMix without first putting the lid on. (What a mess!)
Then: Shingled a 60% pitched roof on a house in the rain.
Now: Skip the second dose of my shingles vaccine.
Then: Played tackle football without pads or a helmet.
Now: Play touch football with my grandsons without limbering up for a half hour first.
Then: Regularly walked across the pasture where the bull lived.
Now: Ring the doorbell of the MAGA gun nut after dark to give him some mail that we got delivered by mistake.
Then: Went to school in winter without a coat or boots.
Now: Go outside without pants to pick up the morning newspaper.
Then: Jumped off the garage, pretending to be Superman.
Now: Crawl under the sink, pretending to be a plumber.
Then: Tried to make Bananas flambé when my parents were out of town and wound up singeing my eyebrows.
Now: Eat homemade cream puffs with real cream and real butter (and wind up with real heartburn.)
Then: Dove into a river and swam under a waterfall.
Now: Took a shower without a bathmat.
Then: Stood on the top step of a ladder to reach the peak of a house I was painting.
Now: When my wife isn’t looking, I stand on a chair to change a lightbulb.
Then: Spent the summer going to the pool and playing outside in the sun every day.
Now: Go to the beach for an hour wearing only a short sleeve shirt and SPF 30 sunscreen.
Then: Never locked the door to my apartment.
Now: Never lock the window of my bedroom in case I need to break into my own house because I forget the key (again).
Then: Bought $100 worth of fireworks for July 4th and shot if all off with a bunch of drunken friends.
Now: Buy $100 worth of paint and invite my friends to get drunk and help me paint my living room over the holiday weekend.
Then: Hitchhiked around Europe.
Now: Fly to Disney World on a nearly bankrupt discount airline.
