By Raymond Lesser
The Ten Commandments have been in the news again since Republicans
are doing their best to make sure that all our godless little heathens get
some mandatory religious indoctrination each day along with their free
Government cheese sandwiches. For those of you who didn’t get this
instruction in school growing up here’s a reminder of where this ancient code
originated.
After hightailing it out of Egypt, Moses and the Hebrew children came to
Mt. Sinai, where they were suddenly engulfed in a swirling cloud and
assaulted by the sound of trumpets and the voice of God from on high. This
was way before the high-end sound systems and special effects now
common at festival rock concerts and most of the former slaves were so
freaked out by this impromptu concert that they ran away. But Moses stuck
around and was told by the thunderous Emcee in the sky to come to the top
of the mountain and he would receive three tablets of stone to write down
God’s commandments so that he could teach them to the rest of his fraidy-
cat tribe, inscribe them on his doorposts, and eventually post them in every
classroom in Louisiana.
Moses climbed up into the cloud and was there for forty days and nights
(I guess it takes a while to do your steno on a stone pad), and finally
returned carrying the tablets. But when he arrived, he was dismayed to find
that the children of Israel had made a golden calf in his absence, which they
were worshiping, as this was one of the reliable pagan gods with whom they
were familiar, and they felt comforted that this old god didn’t shout at them
from a cloud or force them to listen to a bunch of highly amplified trumpet
solos.
Moses was so pissed that he smashed the three tablets to bits. But after
things cooled down God again spoke to him and commanded that he come
back up top and receive another set of tablets to take to his people.
Apparently on the second trip God’s Office Depot ran out of stone tablets, so
Moses wound up with only two tablets containing the ten commandments
with which we are so familiar.
But the question remains, what laws were on the third tablet that never
got set down in stone? Over the next few millennia 613 additional
commandments were added to Jewish law, representing the best guesses
made by scholars of ancient law of what Moses missed. (Please note that
many of these scholars also made a nice living as lawyers and judges, and
so had a special interest in there being as much to litigate as possible.) Here
are a few of my favorite additional commandments:
Thou shalt circumcise every male offspring on the eighth day after
birth. (Not surprising this commandment got cut off.)
Thou shalt not bear a grudge. (This one may have been hard to accept
from a Supreme Being who kept smiting people left and right when they
immediately didn’t obey his commands.)
Thou shalt not curse any man who can hear. (This is especially true
if that man is much bigger than you. However, Rabbi Akiva stated that God
and bullies don’t usually notice as long as you curse under your breath.)
Thou shalt help the poor and unfortunate by leaving the grapes in
the vineyard that have fallen on the ground. (Although your brother-in-
law would probably prefer to just raid the leftover Thai food in your
refrigerator.)
Thou shalt love the stranger. (But only marry a nice Jewish boy or
girl!)
A bridegroom shall be exempt for one whole year from military
service. (The original draft deferment!)
Thou shalt not have intercourse with a goat, a sheep, or any other
beast. (This was apparently a big problem in the days before internet porn.)
A new month shall be solemnly proclaimed as holy, and the
months and years shall be calculated by the Supreme Court only!
(I’m afraid this means we can look forward to Trumpuary, Ivankatober and
the Melania Millenium in the near future.)
Don’t eat a worm found in an apple. (In fact, maybe just nosh on a
different apple entirely.)
Never borrow on interest. (And never, and I mean NEVER pay retail!)
Never lend to a poor person. (The first commandment of corporate
banking!)
Thou shalt not take a bribe. (Fortunately for the Supreme Court God
didn’t mention anything about gratuities like luxury motor homes or trips to
Tahiti.)
The Children of Israel shall never settle in the Land of Egypt.
(Things really didn’t go so well on that first trip.)
