The FBI recently sent a bulletin to 18,000 police organizations nationwide warning them to be on the lookout for people carrying almanacs, because international terrorists might be using them “to maximize the likelihood of operational success through careful planning.”
Dear Reader! We had no idea our little missives might be having a positive influence on careful planners. Personally we have trouble planning for the operational success of dinner. Nor did we consider that we could be reaching an audience of insane evil-doers bent on the destruction of civilization as we know it. Since our readership has apparently widened to include thousands of international madmen, not to mention those in the surveillance section of John Ashcroft’s Justice Department, we are adding a special section to this year’s almanac, that should appeal to troublemakers of all kinds. Please enjoy, and don’t forget to send us your favorite household hints on how to remove blueberry stains, as well as the safest places to hide your anthrax and botulinum manufacturing labs.
The Terrorist Farmer’s Almanac
• If you can’t tell your ass from a hole in the ground, be sure to have plenty of extra toilet paper at your undisclosed location.
• Sneaky Border Patrol Question of the Day: If Mr. Green lives in the Green House, and Mr. Gray lives in the Gray House, who lives in the White House?
• This Month: March 7 & 8: Best Days to destroy weeds and the Mecca of all sins, Las Vegas. March 19 & 20: Best Days for barbers to cut hair to discourage growth, and to give infidels a really bad shave, like Sean Penn.
Aphorisms for Troublemakers
• In George W. Bush’s world, nothing is certain but death and tax breaks.
• In polluted rivers & bad governments, the lightest things float to the top.
• The well-trained politician reads nonsense off a teleprompter better than an untrained man, but it is still nonsense.
Who is wise? He that learns from every One.
Who is powerful? He that governs his Passions.
Who is rich? He that is content.
Who is that? Nobody.- Poor Richard
• The truth ends where the campaign contributions begin.
• A person who governs their emotions is a Governor, but only one who terminates emotions can be Terminator.
If your head is wax, don’t walk in the sun.- Poor Richard
• Hunger is the best appetizer. Although chopped liver on pumpernickel toast is definitely a close contender.
• A mind without education is like an empty e-mail box: it tends to get filled to overflowing with spam.
• Today is Yesterday’s student. Tomorrow is Today’s delinquent drop-out.
• If you can’t lick them, join them. After you join them they’ll let you lick them all you want.
• The Voice of the Divine never goes offline.
By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.- Socrates
• Never forget whatever it was your wife said you’d better not forget. (OK, she was right, you should have written it down!)
Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.- Winston Churchill
• The man who follows the crowd will wind up standing at the end of a very long line for hours, staring at the back of somebody’s head.