Amending the Constitution

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Senator Orrin Hatch of Utah recently proposed amending the constitution to allow a foreign-born person (for example, Arnold Schwarzenegger or Ozzy Osbourne) to run for President after they have been a citizen of the United States for at least 20 years. (Schwarzenegger has been a citizen for almost 21 years; Osbourne reportedly has no interest in becoming President, although he has challenged Arnold to a live bat-head biting contest.)

Meanwhile, President Bush, in his State of the Heterosexual Union speech, suggested amending the constitution to define marriage as “the union between a rich, white older man who no longer has to pay taxes, and a beautiful younger woman who will love, honor, and obey him until such time as she can figure out a way to disconnect his life support.”

Ben Franklin, John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, and the other founding fathers had no way of knowing the complexity of the issues Americans would face in the 21st century. Maybe it’s time for a new constitutional convention to radically overhaul the crumbling parchment on which our nation is founded. Here are a few other amendments for consideration:

Revised Article VI, National Debts The United States can run up as big a debt as we want, and all other countries in the world shall be required to buy as many Treasury Bonds, Notes, Bills, or mega-million Lotto tickets as we care to print. Remember, we’ve got The Bomb, and we’re crazy enough to use it. So just put all your foreign currency, watches, video game players, and other valuable exports into the bag, hand it over, and nobody gets hurt.

Amendment 29 All clones born or naturalized in the United States, or clones of American citizens born abroad are citizens of the United States. All other bio-engineered sentient life forms created in the United States, and capable of passing standardized tests of intelligence (such as answering at least four consecutive questions on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?), are also considered citizens, with the full privileges of citizenship. Any foreign-born vegetable, or vegetable-like entity, can become a citizen upon passing a citizenship exam and expressing loyalty to the soil of the United States. Furthermore, any vegetable is eligible for public office after being a citizen for at least seven years, with the exception of turnips and rutabagas, which are eligible to serve in congress, but not in the judicial of executive branches.

Amendment 30 Henceforth, the official national anthem is “We Will Rock You” by Queen. The anthem is sacred, and can only be played at critical junctures of a public event, such as when the opposing team is bringing in a relief pitcher with tying and/or winning runners in scoring position. It should never be used to introduce the salesman-of-the- month at a local real-estate office or car dealership meeting, and violators shall be subject to confiscation of all audio and Powerpoint equipment, as well as being required to listen to “Muskrat Love” by Captain and Tenille, “I Write The Songs” by Barry Manilow, or “MacArthur Park” by Richard Harris until they beg forgiveness.

Amendment 31 No adult child shall, in time of college or other post-high-school lifestyle transformations, be quartered in any parent’s house, without the consent of that parent, and the willingness to act like an adult and do their share of laundry, dishes, and other housechores, including icky stuff like cleaning out the litter box of the cat that their mother told them she didn’t want and wasnÕt going to help take care of, but they insisted on bringing home anyway.

Amendment 32 After a corporation produces huge amounts of toxic waste, it shall not be allowed to bury it all next to its factory or mine, declare bankruptcy, change its name and move offshore to the Bahamas. Instead, all the officers and Board of Directors of the corporation shall be required to live within 50 yards of the toxic waste site until such time as the site is completely cleaned and restored, or until said officers mutate into freakish monsters, go on a horrible rampage, and are given their own reality show on Fox cable.

Amendment 33 No person should have to wait in a doctor’s examination room, stripped naked and wearing one of those paper napkins, for longer than 15 minutes. If no medical personnel has come by after 15 minutes, it is permissible for the patient to throw on their coat and go screaming through the office, demanding to see the doctor. If the doctor is not able to see the patient within 15 minutes of asking them to strip naked and sit in a cold plastic chair, then the doctor should not have asked them to strip naked in the first place, and as a penalty, the patient will be personally refunded double their money for the visit, no matter what outrageous fee their doctor customarily charges.

Amendment 34 Because of the desire for people to feel safe and secure, especially when they are driving alone on a dark highway in a crappy American-made car, and because of the compulsive need of their bosses and children to interrupt them at any moment of the day or night with stupid questions, the right of the people to keep and bear cell-phones (with built-in digital cameras) shall not be infringed.

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