Do-It-Yourself Psychology Exam

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The following is one of the oldest surviving Funny Times stories, originally published in 1986.

Are you having problems with your boss? Are your children threatening to turn you in for using prescription drugs that you no longer have a prescription for? Does the whole world seem like it’s out to get you? Maybe it is. On the other hand, maybe you’re out of your mind. But why waste thousands of dollars on a psychiatrist when all you might need to straighten out your life is a cleaning lady once a week. The results of the following quiz can put your mind at rest (or drive you over the brink).)

1. I love my mother …
a. and hope that she can take care of me forever.
b. and hope that I can take care of her forever.
c. and it’s too bad she’s not about 30 years younger.

2. I like to eat …
a. by myself.
b. with my fingers.
c. everything in the refrigerator and then throw up.

3. When I come home from work I …
a. bring work I didn’t have a chance to finish at the office.
b. loosen up on my Nautilus and then jog 10 miles.
c. get drunk and pass out in front of the TV.

4. I feel lucky …
a. every day when I go to the track.
b. whenever I find a four-leaf clover.
c. if my spouse stays awake for more than five minutes after we turn out the lights.

5. I get nervous …
a. with people I know.
b. with people I don’t know.
c. when the guy behind me in the checkout line jabs me repeatedly in the spine and asks me if I want to adopt his Cabbage Patch Kid.

6. I won’t listen to what someone else has to say …
a. unless they understand me as a person.
b. unless they listen to what I have to say.
c. unless they have more money than I do.

7. I get anxious …
a. when I run out of cigarettes.
b. every time I see the President on TV.
c. when I telephone for the time and nobody answers.

8. I am afraid of dying …
a. after a long painful illness.
b. because of an act of random terror.
c. and then becoming famous.

9. The best way to avoid pain is …
a. prescription drugs.
b. stay at home with the door locked.
c. don’t become involved with any more sadistic accountants.

10. I like …
a. people of the opposite sex.
b. people of the same sex.
c. sex.

11. People follow me …
a. because I’m a natural leader.
b. because I won’t let them get ahead of me.
c. because they’re after me and I can’t seem to lose them.

12. When I do something really stupid …
a. I break things and scream at the top of my lungs.
b. I beat my head against the wall and hit myself with studded leather.
c. I pretend I’m someone else.

13. If I were the President I would …
a. throw a lot of parties and let somebody else worry about running the government.
b. throw everyone who doesn’t like me in jail.
c. I am the President.

Scoring: One point is awarded for each answer you circled. Every answer represents a symptom of some form of mental illness, many of which are rare and incurable. If you scored 10 points or more, you must really be crazy, this is a cartoon newspaper, not a medical journal! Seek help immediately, but don’t call me, I work with enough nuts already.

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