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Poor Raymond’s Almanac

Courteous Reader,

What did past generations do without lint traps in their dryers? Our lint traps may be at the forefront of the technology revolution that is tumbling away the way we live in 2006. The reason there is always so much lint in our lint traps is that they’re trapping all the lint that has existed on earth for the millions of years before traps were invented. After only a few more laundry loads, some scientists predict that our lint traps, like the rest of our environment, may become entirely lint-free. With recent advances in nanotechnology, can the end of static cling be far behind?

Another remarkable technology, sure to be ever more prevalent in the coming year, is wi-fi. It is comforting to know that now, even if I were to become homeless due to King Kong-induced hurricanes or tidal waves, I’d still be able to use my laptop computer at a variety of public coffee houses, or random sidewalk grating “hotspots” to connect to the Internet and download the latest Desperate Housewives episode, for only $1.99.

Yet, even as the newest technology propels us into the future, we can still cling patriotically to the dreams of our innocent American youth. My internal combustion engine continues to explode old Sinclair dinosaurs in order to drive Detroit pistons to spin Firestone tires and roll my Ford Model T-Rex down to the 7-11 to buy another six-pack of Bud and bag of Cheetos. If this doesn’t prove that we’re the most evolved species in the history of the Earth, then it must at least be an argument for intelligently designed ad campaigns.

The coming year will bring us more advanced and temptingly packaged technology that is certain to improve our lives right up to the point where our credit cards are completely maxed out. This will occur sometime around May 10th. After that it will be up to the Communist Chinese to lend us our dollars back so we can keep buying more of their excellently made, amazingly inexpensive, American brand name products.

• Half the Truth is often a great Lie. – Ben Franklin

• If you are not part of the solution, you must be part of the Bush Administration.

• If you always do what you always do, then you’ll always be stuck in the same do-do.

• If you are never scared, embarrassed, or confused, you must not have teenagers.

• If you believe everything you read, don’t read. – Chinese proverb

• If you can smile when things go wrong, there’s a job opening for you at FEMA.

• If you don’t know where you are going, any fool can take you there.

• If you can’t say something nice, consider a career in talk-radio.

• Just because you don’t like the way you were born doesn’t mean your mother will want to participate in you being born again.

• Beware of the young-looking dentist, or the old-looking cosmetic surgeon.

• If you don’t love, you can’t live. If you don’t live, at least buy a good insurance policy.

• If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. On the other hand, if you lend someone $20,000 and never see them again, you may want to hire a detective.

• If you can’t laugh at yourself, you’re missing the best joke there is.

• If you’re only willing to pay peanuts, you’d better enjoy working with monkeys.

• If you want a thing done well, don’t hire your cousin’s kid.

• If you want to be a leader with a large following, obey the speed limit on a winding, two-lane road. – Charles Farr

• If you want to feel rich and powerful, just visit any millionaire’s grave.

• If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, would you still reverse the charges?

• Three congressmen may keep a secret, providing two of them are dead and the third one hasn’t been offered a plea bargain by the special prosecutor.

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