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Poor Raymond’s Almanac

Courteous Reader,

Given that this is an election year, we can be certain that religion and politics are bound to come together into an uncivil union, and not just in the State of Massachusetts. Already, three leading Republican candidates have firmly declared that they don’t believe in evolution, although they’re waiting for further polling data before deciding about Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. Since we are sure to hear much more about each candidate’s religious principles, and how much each is or isn’t truly in sync with the values of the electorate, we thought we should re-examine America’s ten core moral beliefs:

Top 10 Commandments

1. I am The Lord. Accept no substitutes!

2. Don’t use My name in vain. Swearing at athletes or politicians on a TV screen, or in a stadium, is completely useless: If you’re going to bother cursing somebody make sure to get close enough that they can feel your wrath.

3. Remember the Sabbath is the best time to take a trip to the mall. Less traffic and lots of merchandise on sale.

4. Honor your Mother and Father with something besides snarky comments or cheap plastic trophies. How about cooking them dinner and cleaning the kitchen for a change?

5. You shall not murder, unless you’re a government or large multinational corporation.

6. You shall not commit adultery, although Internet porn is OK, as long as it doesn’t involve children or Britney Spears.

7. You shall not steal. There are better ways to get what you want even if you don’t have any money. That’s why I created credit cards.

8. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor. Just because they didn’t return your cordless screwdriver doesn’t mean they deserve to spend the rest of their days making license plates in the state penitentiary.

9. You shall not covet your neighbor’s house. The way the real estate market is nowadays, you couldn’t afford the payments, anyway.

10. You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife. What’s the matter with you? Don’t you have enough trouble already without getting mixed up with a married lady? If you want a date, talk to Me and I can hook you up.

The weather this year will continue to be hotter than hell. This is not an endorsement of any particular religious or scientific belief, but could be considered as a recommendation to invest in companies that make and service air-conditioners or swimming pools.

The best recipes this year will involve ingredients that are not easily made into bio-diesel or ethanol fuel products, as those ingredients are likely to become too expensive to eat regularly. It’s probably best to stick with things like wild berries, nuts, grasses and ornamental landscaping that can be easily foraged from the many vacant, unsold, unmown properties in your neighborhood.

The Sayings:

A fool and his money are soon part of a sub-prime loan scheme, which will be converted into a derivative product that a bank in Germany will be forced to write off. While the bank’s stock will crash but once, the fool will crash forever in his parent’s basement.

History repeats itself. And now with the writers on strike, so does every other channel.

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless it’s made of organic, free-range chicken.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. At least that’s what my daughter says when she’s explaining why she got caught cutting class again.

The child is the father of the man. So why is it the man is the one who gets stuck with child support payments?

If you don’t make mistakes, you don’t make anything. Or at least that’s what the boss said when he closed our factory and outsourced all our jobs to China.

It is not work that kills, but opening your closet and having all the stupid, useless crap you bought fall on your head.

My kid is all thumbs: He can text message faster than I can talk.

Please, make me do something I’ll regret later. Otherwise, what will I have to talk to my therapist about?

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