I Gotta Guy

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You got cited by the city because your house needs to be painted? Don’t worry, I gotta guy. He’s a little down on his luck, but his bad luck is your good luck. He’s actually an accountant, but he got caught with his hand in the till. Not likely to be doing much accounting work in the near future and, to be honest, he’s out on bail waiting for his arraignment. It’s an exterior paint job, right? Because you might want to keep an eye on him if he needs to come inside to use your bathroom. OK, there is a slim chance he could get halfway done and then be thrown in jail, so I wouldn’t front him any money for paint or anything else, because he’s been known to get diverted by games of chance if he has a pocket full of cash. And don’t ever give him a beer. He starts drinking and he suddenly gets crazy. But if he’s able to finish the job, you won’t regret hiring him.

You’re looking for a snowplower? I gotta guy! He does my driveway and my mother’s. I’ve never had any problems getting to work, even on the snowiest mornings. Very reasonable, of course; you know me, I’m never going to recommend anyone that you’d have to overpay. OK, I do have to warn you, he’s not that good with plants. He scraped mom’s rose bush into the street last year. But, I had to agree with him, it was very close to the driveway and it was so overgrown, it was hard not to. She should have cut it way back before winter. It’s just as well, really; that damn thing always used to make me sneeze. I bought her a pot of petunias instead.

You still trying to find a caterer to do that birthday party for your wife? Yeah, you can stop looking. I got the guy for you. He did my sister’s wedding — you were there, remember? OK, you’re right, the cake was a little lopsided, but that wasn’t entirely his fault. The kid working for him ran into the table with the beverage cart. But he did everything we asked him and more. He even brought extra food from a party that he’d done the night before, just as a bonus. Said he didn’t want to see it go to waste. OK, maybe that was what made you sick. Yeah, probably not a great idea to serve leftover sushi the next day but it did look classy on the buffet table, you have to admit.

What did your kid get busted for now? He was driving around smoking a hookah in the front seat of your car? Don’t sweat it; I gotta guy who can get him off. True, he’s a little wet behind the ears — he just got his law license last month — but this is a lawyer your son can grow with. They’re both about the same age, and from what I know about your son, I think he’s going to continue to need legal help for many years to come. OK, OK, I’m sure he was innocent. He was only smoking tobacco, that’s what he told you? Out of a hookah? Never mind, don’t worry about it; my guy will get him off.

You need a tree taken down? Don’t sweat it, I gotta guy. He used to be a lumberjack, but he’s allergic to poison ivy, so he really can’t work in the woods anymore since he swells up like a mushroom. He only does jobs in the city on trees with well-manicured lawns. But he knows his stuff. You’ve met him, my pal Matt. Right, he does have a few fingers missing on his left hand. That kind of thing is a learning experience for these guys. He hasn’t lost any body parts for quite a while. Yeah, this is the same guy who brought down a tree on Paul’s garage, but that all worked out for the best. Paul got insurance money from that and was able to build an even better garage. Just make it very clear which trees he’s supposed to cut down before he gets started because he’s kind of hard of hearing, and it’s very difficult to stop a guy with a three-foot chainsaw who is hard of hearing once he gets started.

You need a new set of tires for your car? I gotta guy. Listen, those big nationwide places, they advertise a lot, but really they give you lousy service and an inferior product. This guy operates out of his own garage, but he’s got all the tools he needs, believe me. In fact, if you need any tools, he can give you a great deal on those, too. What kind of tires does he sell? Well, it depends on what he can get ahold of. You want a brand name; he can get you a brand name. And unlike those chain places, he doesn’t just give you a set of tires, but also the rims and hubcaps that come with them. He’ll make you a great deal if you need a new car stereo, too. Really any kind of stereo, or TV, or laptop. No, I can’t tell you where he lives. If you’re interested, I’ll give him your number and he’ll call you and ask you a few questions to check you out. You know, you can’t be too careful nowadays. Some people in the government are kind of funny about a guy having a business out of his own house.

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