I’m Flexible

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I’ve always been a very flexible guy. I can do handstands on my fingertips while I bend over backwards. I can twist and shout and only rarely twist and grunt in pain. I’m usually so loose I can get behind myself and crack my own spine. I can do the Pretzel, the Cobra, or the Mashed Potato (with or without gravy). I can lift my leg up above my waist and sometimes even put it back on the floor again without toppling over.

My physical flexibility has helped increase my mental flexibility. I can think in circles — circular reasoning I think it’s called. But also, I can think in loops, sort of endless loops that keep replaying the same thoughts over and over. Also loop de loops, where I have wonderful thoughts that make me go way up and then horrible thoughts that bring me way down, so fast that I whip around and back up again before I know what hit me.

I’m also very flexible about scheduling. People make appointments with me and then call at the last minute to change them and I say, “Sure, no problem, what works for you?” Because how important is my time, really? It’s just time, after all, some arbitrary calendar date, and why not be willing to change, change is good, it keeps me moving, keeps me jumpy, keeps me on my flexible toes. I understand if your kid gets sick, or your grandmother dies, or your dog has fleas. I understand if you stayed out late last night and forgot to set your alarm, it could happen to anyone, and I’m anyone, and it always seems to happen to people who are meeting me, but I’m ready for change. I carry around a book to read, or a puzzle to do, or some meat to thaw out, so I’m never at a loss — I’m always able to switch gears, to switch lanes, to switch topics at a moment’s notice. It’s all good!

It doesn’t bother me to get taken off one job assignment and put on another. If you’ve got something that no one else wants to do, give it to me, I don’t mind. I’ll take it as a challenge. I’ll take it as an opportunity, not an obstacle. I figure you’re choosing me because you know how upbeat and free-thinking and bend-but-not-breakable I am, whereas others are rigid and tight and angry when you do something like, say, transfer them from the Florida field office to the one in North Dakota in January. They get all snippy and peevish, whereas I just figure, hey, this is the new frontier. North Dakota is where it’s all happening now. There are more jobs than there are people to do them. There are also more people then there are places for them to live. And lots more men than there are women to keep them from fighting with and trying to kill each other. But that’s OK, I’m flexible, I can live in the back of my car until an apartment opens up, or I can share a room with a roughneck from Texas who drinks a fifth of bourbon every night and sings Waylon Jennings songs in his sleep. I can sleep on the couch, with his pit bull on the floor next to me growling, or on the floor with his pit bull on the couch snoring and farting. Because this is a unique opportunity that only comes along once in a lifetime. The chance to monitor fracking for the EPA! All the guys working on the gas wells have welcomed me with open or loaded arms, and in only a week, I’ve learned more cuss words than I ever knew existed.

My diet is flexible. I’m just as happy with gluten-free, vegan, raw, biodynamic, free-range tofu as I am with corn-fed, blood-rare, caged and pounded baby veal. Just make sure to give me a full serving. Or don’t; really, I don’t care that much. Just give me whatever you’ve got. I’m easy! The blue plate special is fine for me, but if that’s all gone, I can take the meal in a box, or even the beef jerky by the cash register if you’re in a hurry. Whatever. And I’m always open to trying something new, whether it be hemp clusters, chia smoothies, fried grasshoppers, or buffalo balls. I’m an omnivore, just fill up my plate with some omni.

So come over early, or later if early doesn’t work for you, and we’ll talk, or we won’t talk if you’d rather be quiet. We can meditate, or we could go out to eat, or for a walk, or we could rob a bank, if you’d rather — I hear there’s a new one that just opened on Main Street that’s got some extremely fresh money lying around. I’m open to suggestions. So let’s get loose, jump on the caboose, and rock and roll, or waltz or go square dancing. Really, it’s all the same to me. I’m flexible.

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