13.5 billion Atoms and molecules appear. First Chemistry test.
4.5 billion Formation of planet Earth. First yard sale.
3.8 billion Emergence of organisms. First singles bar opens.
2.5 million Human species emerge in Africa and quickly learn to use opposable thumbs to pop each other’s zits.
2.4 million First stone tools. First archeological evidence of unfinished home improvement project.
2 million Humans spread from Africa to Eurasia and evolve into several different soccer hooligan clubs.
500,000 Neanderthals take over Europe and learn to survive the cold winters by covering themselves with stinky, rotting animal skins.
300,000 Daily use of fire. First volunteer fire department has a pancake breakfast.
200,000 Homo sapien species evolves in East Africa. (Or, alternatively, Eve eats Landlord’s apples and gets first eviction notice.)
70,000 Beginning of history. Homo sapiens invent gossip.
45,000 Homo sapiens settle Australia. All large Australian animals go extinct.
30,000 Homo sapiens settle Europe. Neanderthals go extinct.
16,000 Homo sapiens settle America. All large American animals go extinct. (Are you beginning to see a pattern here?)
12,000 The Agricultural Revolution. First cultivated garden of sweet corn gets eaten by raccoons.
5,000 First kingdom mints money. First king loses his wallet and keys to the castle.
4,400 The abacus, first known calculator, is invented in Babylon. Men begin to keep track of how much their sons-in-law owe them.
2,500 Buddhism in India — a universal truth “to liberate all beings from suffering through another losing season of football.”
2000 Roman Empire encourages the creation of Christianity so they’ll have someone to feed to the lions.
1200 Gunpowder invented in China. First NRA lobbyist begins stockpiling ammo.
700 Eyeglasses are invented, and immediately misplaced. Eventually they are rediscovered when the inventor sits on them.
550 Gutenberg invents the printing press and begins sticking a Bible in the nightstand of every Holiday Inn in the world.
525 Leonardo Da Vinci creates the first robot, which he tries to program to mow his lawn.
500 The Scientific Revolution. Scientists begin to systematically study the structure and behavior of the physical and natural world through observation and experiment. They are immediately labeled blasphemers and thrown into dungeons, where they begin lifelong experiments on rats.
500 Columbus and other Europeans discover America while in search of new places to dump their trash.
400 Galileo invents the thermometer, which he uses to discover that it’s almost always too hot or too cold in his living room.
300 Piano is invented and used to torture young children and their mothers for hours on end.
250 Lightning rod is invented by Benjamin Franklin. First attempt to tap into free electricity and avoid paying utility bill.
200 The Industrial Revolution. Machines begin to do all of man’s work. Meanwhile, man begins to work 12-14 hours a day trying to get ahold of tech support.
180 Refrigerator is invented. First midnight snack.
135 Edison invents the phonograph and cranks it up as loud as he can to annoy his parents.
120 Tesla discovers wireless communication and a really cool sports car.
90 Television is invented by Philo Farnsworth, who spends the rest of his life on his couch watching it and never doing another useful thing.
80 Alan Turing invents the first computer, and uses it to test the beta version of World of Warcraft.
71 First atomic bomb demonstrates to all observers that the only chance mankind has for long term survival is to work together and live in peace. Warfare becomes obsolete. (Ha-ha, just kidding.)
70 Microwave oven is invented by Percy Spencer, to reheat his coffee.
58 Computer mouse is created by Douglas Engelbart, whose other invention, the computer cat, never really catches on.
43 Personal computer is invented. People who used to spend all night staring at a TV screen now spend all day staring at a computer screen.
26 World Wide Web is created. All computer cords on the planet are now interconnected and really hard to untangle.
1.5 Donald Trump is the star of a TV reality show called The Apprentice. His biggest decision of the day is whether he wants a cheeseburger or a taco bowl salad for lunch. Remember?
The Present Can this really be happening?
The Future We hope, we hope, we hope …