This year I’m thinking of not paying any taxes because really smart people like our President don’t pay taxes, and I want to be a really smart person, too. The whole tax system is just extortion by a bunch of out of control government bureaucrats. What benefit do I get from any of the taxes I pay?
Let’s start with public schools: What are these bozos doing with all my money? Do you have any idea what they’ve been teaching in those schools? Facts! That’s right, what good are facts going to do in our modern world? Nobody cares about facts anymore. How are we ever going to compete with the Chinese, or Russians, or Alien Invaders, if all our kids have learned in school are facts? We’re wasting billions in hard-earned taxpayer dollars to raise a generation of kids who’ll be left in the dust by people in other countries who know how to manufacture Fake News and Alternative Facts, and Rumors and Gossip and Innuendo by the crapload. What are our kids going to do with all their fact-based knowledge? Get jobs as fact-checkers at some supermarket of ideas? They’d have a much better chance at succeeding in the real world if we gave them all Twitter accounts and taught them how to make up stories about how Donald Trump’s goldfish came up with a cure for cancer.
Then there’s the police. What have they done for me lately? Given me parking tickets, given me speeding tickets, given me a ticket for driving drunk without a license. Why are we paying these jerks’ salaries? If everyone would just buy their own guns, and handcuffs, and build their own jails, there’d be no need for cops to be riding around wasting gas, acting like they’re protecting public safety, when all they’re really doing is sitting on their big fat government pensions.
Then there’s the garbagemen. But don’t call them that anymore, they get offended when you use that word. Now they refer to themselves as “sanitation engineers” or “recycling facilitators.” I guess with that job title they make an extra buck an hour. I think the whole thing is a racket. They’ve got us sorting our paper and cans and bottles, so they can sell all that stuff for cold hard cash. I swear they probably make money on my trash. Why should I be paying these guys to pick up all these valuables when there are probably plenty of other people who graduated from public schools with a “fact-based” education, who would be happy to pick up my stuff for free, just for the value of the beer cans alone. Not to mention the fact that they always come by with their stinking noisy old truck at 9 a.m. and wake me up out of a sound sleep.
How about all the money that gets wasted on fixing roads? Have you driven anywhere on the highway system lately? You can’t drive for an hour without coming across some bunch of guys on the government dole, standing around in the rain or snow or blazing sun next to their orange barrels and giant machines tearing apart some road or bridge that was probably perfectly good until they got there. I’d like to see what would happen if we stopped paying these guys to “fix” our roads for a while. Bet we wouldn’t even notice the difference. Besides, I lost my license and can’t drive anyways, so what good do roads do me?
Don’t even get me started on the money that gets wasted on things like Medicare and Social Security. I’m paying thousands of dollars a year into this system so that, what, some old people can get free health care and a monthly check that they squander on bran flakes and Metamucil? I won’t get a nickel out of this Ponzi scheme for at least another five years. I could be saving that money and putting it into my own retirement account. Except, unfortunately, I cashed that in a few years back to invest in a surefire real estate deal that my idiot brother-in-law told me about. But still, what’s the point? Why should I be paying for somebody else’s retirement trips to the bingo parlor?
Anyway, Trump’s fixing things in Washington so we don’t need taxes anymore. He’s going to build a giant wall, but Mexico’s paying for it. And if all those fancy pants socialists in Europe want us to keep out the bad hombres, then they’re going to have to start paying us protection money. What do those idiots in Congress do, anyway? You could fire them all and replace them with a rubber stamp, and then you could take over their offices at the Capitol and turn it into a great big hotel and casino. The Capitol rotunda would be the perfect place for a giant roulette wheel. Then we could convert those practically useless National Parks into golf courses, or go-cart tracks. Instead of taxpayers, we’d all become like hedge fund investors and share in the profits. Let the government work for me for a change!
It’s taken a long time, but I think I’m finally wising up. Is this what it feels like to be really smart?