I’m really sorry that I allowed corporations to become people. But you have to understand how much money they were willing to give me just to go in for five minutes and vote “aye” for a bill that I didn’t even need to read all 427 pages of. When was the last time a corporate lobbyist offered to treat you to dinner and then suggested an all-expense-paid trip to France for spring break to investigate the way the EU is marketing wine and cheese? C’mon, I didn’t run for office just to sit in Washington and try to expedite my constituents’ visa applications.
And that problem with lead in the drinking water? I’m really sorry. Look, I only drink bottled water myself, or stuff that’s been filtered by one of those expensive reverse osmosis systems. Lead isn’t the only thing in the water to worry about, you know. There’s all sorts of crap in there, I just assumed everyone knew that. If you only use the tap water to take a shower or to sprinkle your golf course, then you don’t have much to worry about. But because of all the attention you folks brought to this issue we’re fast tracking it and I’m sure everyone in the affected area will have completely safe water coming out of their faucets within the next 10 years, tops.
Now as far as the destruction of National Parks and Monuments to drill for oil and mine for gold or what have you, I’m really sorry, this was a big mistake. We only meant to allowing drilling and mining in places that nobody cares about or notices. Have you ever been out west? There are literally hundreds of miles out there where you can’t even get a cell phone signal let alone a decent cup of coffee. The folks who paid us, uh, I mean asked us to vote for that bill assured everyone that those would be the kind of places they’d be tearing apart, not anyplace that tourists and, more importantly, rich donors who like to hunt and fish and birdwatch like to go. We will write a revision of the bill as soon as we can be assured that the President will get on board with it. But until he promises to sign it doesn’t make any sense to risk alienating the corporations I mentioned earlier, especially the one who paid for us to visit their operations near Las Vegas. Did I mention the showgirls? Well, don’t worry, we’re working on this problem.
Speaking of showgirls, I’m not saying that anything like this happened to me personally, but I have it on good authority that some of our members were caught in compromising positions. More than caught; photographed, videotaped, and DNA tested. Now hopefully the exact details will not be exposed by some member of the Fact News media. These incidents have led several of my colleagues to be reluctant to speak out on a number of issues that they feel quite strongly about. Also their votes might not entirely reflect their true feelings on these issues. But you should understand that their hearts are in the right place and that’s what’s important. Someday, when their memoirs are ghostwritten, you’ll understand what good people they might have been except for a few unfortunately timed transgressions, usually under the influence of really expensive whiskey.
I’m very sorry that I’ve made scapegoats out of every minority my constituents have ever seen on Fox News. Whether I have offended Blacks, Jews, Muslims, Mexicans, gays, teachers, judges, reporters or any other person or group unlikely to write me a five-figure check, I’m truly sorry. But you have to understand this is the nature of the business I’m in. I don’t need everyone to like me, just a simple majority. And since a significant portion of the voting public are truly simple, I’m forced to cater to their fears and prejudices if I want to keep my job. Everyone has had a boss who likes to tell dirty jokes, or Polack jokes, right? Sometimes you have to just pretend to laugh along with them to let them know you’re one of the guys. But once we get an overwhelming majority of the State Legislature and can gerrymander the districts to make my seat completely safe you will get to see the real me. I promise I will become a true centrist and do my best to work for bipartisan compromise, for the good of all citizens. Unless someone runs to the right of me in the primaries and tries to scapegoat me as a liberal, in which case all bets are off.
Finally, I want to apologize for denying that Climate Change exists and allowing it to go from being a potentially solvable problem to one that will possibly kill off most of the species on our planet in the next couple hundred years. It’s not because I don’t believe in science or understand the implications of our inaction. But my children and grandchildren aren’t the ones who are paying for my mini-manse, chauffeured BMW, gym membership, lifetime health insurance, and all the other perks that go with being a man of the people. I truly believe that all hope is not lost and that scientists will one day come up with a solution for Global Warming despite the fact that during my tenure in office I personally have done everything possible to block and stymie their research. In fact, it is this great faith that allows me to go to bed each night with a clear conscience and a campaign fund full of checks from Exxon, Chevron, and the Koch Brothers.