I’ve worked my whole life to take care of you and make sure you had everything you needed or, depending on how you’re related to me, you worked your whole life to take care of me and make sure I had everything I needed. Except for that ten-speed bicycle you refused to spring for, which is why I couldn’t get to the tutoring sessions on time, which is why I couldn’t get into Harvard, which is probably why I’m a cartoon editor and not a corporate lawyer with a winter villa and off-shore bank account in the Bahamas. (So, thanks for not allowing me to get trapped in the fast lane when I was ten, folks.)
The important thing is that there are plenty of things each of you can still do to make me happy and since my being happy is what means the most to me, and you all claim to love me, I’m just going to lay out some ideas for you, since you don’t seem capable of coming up with many of your own.
First off put the remote back on the coffee table when you’re done watching TV. I know this seems like a small thing, but I can’t tell you how many hours I’ve spent searching under the couch cushions, behind the lamp, or sifting through the dirty laundry until I finally give up and am forced to watch a movie on my phone, or, God forbid, read a book. And yes, I know there are controls right on the TV to change the stations but the only joy I get out of watching TV is clicking aimlessly through all 547 channels over and over until I fall asleep watching a National Geographic special on penguins.
Also please start eating less. Or, depending on who you are and how much you weigh, please start eating more. At any rate none of you is eating the right amount. Even if you are eating the right amount you aren’t eating the right foods. You vegans need to start eating meat or else your muscles and bones will deteriorate and you’ll wind up as spineless as a politician at an NRA convention. Meanwhile all you meat-eaters should immediately stop eating meat because even with your cholesterol pills you’re bound to end up having a heart attack while choking on a chicken bone after contracting salmonella poisoning. Besides, between all of you and your weird food phobias and allergies and fad diets there is no longer any way that I can invite everyone to dinner at the same time. Which may have been your goal all along, but IT DOESN’T MAKE ME HAPPY! And in case you forgot that’s what my life is all about. Also quit telling me what I should eat. I don’t need any advice about eating. My body does a fine job telling me exactly what to stick in my mouth at any moment, just as it does an excellent job of knowing what to tell you to eat. So basically what I’m saying is stop talking and start listening to me. Also give me some of those fries before they’re all gone.
Next, answer your phone when I call you. I know you have that phone right in your pocket. I bought you that phone and I pay your monthly bill because I want to make sure that in case of emergency I can call you or you can call me. When you don’t answer it immediately becomes an emergency because I think that something terrible must have happened to you and that’s why you can’t answer the phone that’s right in your pocket. Are both your arms broken so you can’t even send me a text to tell me you’re busy and you’ll call me later? Or have you been kidnapped by a caravan of poor Central American terrorists or tiki torch wielding neo-nutsis? Don’t you understand how important it is that I talk to you right now! I have to find out where you hid the TV remote or I’ll miss my nap.
Also use your turn signals. I can’t emphasize this enough. When I taught you to drive or you taught me to drive this was one of the most basic and essential lessons. Not only is it good etiquette but it will keep the driver behind you from rear-ending your car when you suddenly slam on the brakes to make a left into the medical marijuana/frozen yogurt/bible study drive-thru. Or else the driver behind you might become so enraged at getting stuck that they’ll stomp out of their car and sledge hammer your rear bumper that’s covered with all those RESIST and CO-EXIST and HAVING WEIRD PARENTS BUILDS CHARACTER bumper stickers. The bottom line here is that if you’re not too busy to talk on the phone and change the radio station five times and drink coffee and redo your lipstick while you’re driving, then you’re not too busy to flick your damn wrist and let the other drivers know which way you intend to turn your wheel. Also quit calling me to help you when you run out of gas and instead listen to your car when it announces, repeatedly, that you are about to run out of gas. And for the hundredth time, no, carrying a spare can of gas in your trunk in case of emergencies is not a good idea, especially if you intend to get rear ended because you refuse to use your turn signals.
I have a lot more things you could do to make me happy, but you probably won’t even remember to do the ones on this list so why should I bother. Anyway, the best thing you can do to make me happy is not do anything. Because that gives me infinitely more motivation to tell you all the things you could do to make me happy. And as we both know my greatest pleasure in life is telling you what to do. So just keep on ignoring my advice and I’ll continue to be the happiest man alive.