Some Crazy Things I Believe

I believe the Democratic Party will retake the Senate and White House this year and that Donald Trump and Mike Pence will eventually end up running a tire dealership in Cheyenne, Wyoming, while Mitch McConnell will be rehydrated and used for fish food in the National Aquarium.

I believe that Global Warming will soon create a huge real estate boom in Duluth, Minnesota and that lakefront property there will be bought up by Jeff Bezos and Bill Gates who will retire from ruling the universe to open a 54-hole miniature golf course and taco stand.

I believe the coronavirus is a secret Communist Chinese plot to destroy America by cutting off our entire supply of next-generation iPhones, running shoes, and electric toasters. That’s right, almost all electric toasters in the world are made in China. Ask yourself, how long will America last without toast? We’re toast without toast.

Even though they’ve never done it in my 64-year lifetime, I am certain that the Cleveland Indians will win the World Series this year. This is the same certainty that I have every year during Spring Training. You’d think what all their fans should be training for this spring is how not to feel let down when the team inevitably collapses sometime in the fall, but my faith is still strong decades after I gave up believing that I would be the winning pitcher in the seventh game. But I still think I might have a chance to pinch hit for the game-winning home run.

I believe that if I wear a pearl-blue plastic pendant around my neck with a chunk of a secret unknown metal encased in it that I am bio-electrically shielded from all the bad waves and weird vibes that are floating around everywhere I go. Things like Wi-Fi and cell phone signals and low level radiation emitted from the various screens that surround me  no longer penetrate my aura or make a dent in my mojo. When I wear my bio-electric shield pendant I feel strong and when I forget to wear it I feel weak. I have been muscle tested by independent observers who have long time experience in these realms, as well as the ability to communicate with angels, so I know it must be true.

I believe that several thousand years ago a stutterer named Moses led my ancestors out of slavery in Egypt by parting the Red Sea so that they could walk across, and then allowed the waters to recoalesce and destroy the entire Egyptian Army that was pursuing them. I further believe that Moses hiked up to the top of Mt. Sinai where he talked directly to God, who gave him the Ten Commandments. However, I also believe that a BLT is one of the most supremely perfect sandwiches ever created and if God wasn’t responsible for the bacon in it, who was?

I believe that when I blow my nose it helps clear fuzzy thoughts out of my brain and that if I didn’t blow my nose at least once a day my head would explode and these thoughts would wind up splattered all over everyone standing near me at the time.

I believe that if you find a penny and pick it up then all day long you’ll have good luck. Unless you have a trick knee like mine, in which case all day long you’ll wish that you weren’t so obsessed with money that you were stupid enough to stoop to pick up a lousy penny.

I believe it’s bad luck to play a banjo indoors. Or at least that’s what my wife tells me every time I start to play my banjo anywhere inside our house.

I believe that 13 is an unlucky number except for kids who are about to be bar- or bat-mitzvahed, in which case it means a big party where you get to dance with all your friends and receive a pocket full of checks and gift cards from a bunch of relatives you’ve never seen before and may never see again until you get married.

I believe that if I can survive for another 15 years there is a good chance that I could live to be 100, 200, or maybe even 500 years old. I also believe that there is an equally good chance that none of us will make it out of the next four years with our sanity intact, so that there is the distinct possibility that the world will eventually be populated by extremely fit hundred-year-old raving lunatics.

I believe that thanks to artificial intelligence (AI) within the next 20 years you will no longer need to go shopping. Instead your pal AI will know exactly what it is you want, or what items in the house you’ve run out of, and will order and restock them without you ever having to do anything. AI will also cook and serve your food, drive you wherever you want to go in your car, diagnose you when you’re sick, clean up your messes, and read you a bedtime story. I’m not sure yet about changing diapers.

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