Disaster is here! The coronavirus might kill us or at the very least make us have to cancel our vacation cruise in the Caribbean, for which we’ve already put down a $500 non-refundable deposit. If we do manage to procure a hazmat suit and lifetime supply of toilet paper to survive the current pandemic then we still have to face the upcoming election, the results of which could be even worse for the long term survival of our species than all being locked in our apartments for months on end trying to homeschool our children. This doesn’t even begin to bring into focus all the other reasons why we are doomed, doomed, doomed. Global climate change will probably blow everyone off the map, or drown us in our own plastic water bottles long before billionaires can fire us and replace us all with artificially intelligent robots, drones, and unbelievably cute genetically modified koala bears. Nevertheless, in the midst of all this chaos and confusion you still have to figure out how to best invest your savings and plan for retirement. Fortunately, The Funny Times has already thought through all the options so you can simply select from the best choices below and then get back to freaking out about whether you remembered to turn off your stove before trying to flee to a remote bunker before the coming quarantine.
Short Term Investments
Bird Seed — If you truly believe the end is nigh bird seed is a wonderful place to sink your nest egg. Fill up your birdfeeders and enjoy the chirps and songs of our feathered friends, which can help take your mind off of the random gunshots and neighbors arguing about who used up the last roll of toilet paper. When your canned goods run out you can even boil the seed into a nutritious high fiber gruel.
Wine and Beer — In case of emergency officials recommend having at least a two week supply of all essentials. And during a real emergency a two week supply of your favorite beverages will be gone in a day or two. So stock up now and even if the latest disaster warning turns out to be a false alarm you’ll be prepared for tomorrow’s disaster, or a blow-out party to celebrate making it to next weekend intact.
Library Books — When you’re barricaded in your fallout/tornado/apocalypse shelter and the emergency broadcast system finally goes dead you’ll be happy to have planned ahead by taking out a box of books from the public library. You’ll have something to keep your mind off the incessant pounding on the door by lazy neighbors and friends who failed to believe the killer virus/storm/rapture was coming. And now you’ll have plenty of time to catch up on your Plato, Tolstoy, and How to Macramé In Five Easy Lessons.
Long Term Investments
Stretch Waist Pants — The future is unknowable. The only sure thing is that it will be a disaster. Possibly there will be famine and you will lose a lot of weight. Or else 90 percent of humanity will die of some horrible plague or be raptured to a far better place in which case there might be more food left behind than you could possibly eat in 10 lifetimes. With stretch pants you’ll be prepared either way. And you’ll never have to worry about trying to find your belt.
Deck of Cards — Whether you’re left with enough companions to play poker or bridge, or alone with only endless games of solitaire, a deck of cards will help you pass many pleasant hours until the aliens finally arrive to transport you to their home planet Zuckerbergon, (where they will perform anal probes and harvest all your data in order to sell you insurance and astrology charts at some future date.) Also the cards will come in handy for picking your teeth after you run out of dental floss.
Gold Bars — We’re not really sure what good gold bars will be after the asteroid destroys the parts of New Jersey that are not already uninhabitable, but this is advice we’ve read in many long term investment disaster plans, so we’re including it here as an option. Possibly, because these bars are so compact and heavy, you may be able to use them to bop intruders over the head when they try to come after your bird seed.