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“EAT CAKE”

Financial advice from a person who knows money best, Princess Queen IV!

By Nicole Rossa

Dear Princess Queen, 

My husband and I want to renew our wedding vows in front of friends and family. Our wedding was at a courthouse 20 years ago, so we’ve never planned an actual wedding! What Does a realistic budget look like? 

-Margaret R. 

Knoxville, KY 

It’s splendid to hear of your forthcoming re-nuptials. I hope the land your family received from the previous courthouse agreement is bountiful for your father’s empire. Generally, I refuse to accept reality and prefer realty, as in real estate. Keep the event simple—just a few hundred of your closest friends for a fortnight celebration in a soon-to-be-built gilded summer hunting lodge. 

Dear Princess Queen, 

My partner and I are moving in together next month. How should we Divide our finances? -Greg P. 

Milwaukee, WI 

Who’s family, or side of the family, if you plan to keep your bloodline pure, controls the fief in which you hope to build your life together? May you perhaps divide the labor of your serfs and let the bounty of grain reaped by each group decide your finances? The competition will be good fun, and you’ll both have a hand at practicing what it takes to be a ruthless but noble landlord. 

Dear Princess Queen, 

I’ve been saving up for a vacation. How do I get the best bang for my buck when traveling? 

-Joan S. 

Peoria, IL 

I can’t say enough good things about the Vatican and the divine right of kings. However, my royal reader has informed me that a “vacation” is something else. As in any grand tour, spare no expense when purchasing souvenirs. You may never again glance upon the canals of Venice, but you’ll always have the 270-piece hand-blown glass service set.

My taxes are complicated this year. Should I hire someone to help or attempt to do them myself as usual? 

-Graham C. 

Reno, NV 

Enlisting the help of a tax collector is an excellent idea! By outsourcing the task, your subjects will keep you in high regard. 

Pro tip: Let your henchmen do what they do best when collecting fees—violence. Merchants will pay quickly, and the bloodlust that consumes your hired help will inspire them as employees for seasons to come. 

Dear Princess Queen, 

I’m 38 years old and can retire early, but I don’t have enough in my bank account yet to last through my golden years. How much do I need to save to retire at 55? -Dave W. 

Tucson, AZ 

Dave, you must introduce me to the enchantress or wizard that hath bestowed upon you such long life! Have you spoken with your eldest male heir or at least married your daughter off? You may live long enough to have many coins in your purse, but your proper retirement will come from knowing your land and family name shall be carried forth. 

Dear Princess Queen, 

Our daughter wants to attend an out-of-state University. Does living on campus make the most financial sense, or should she stay in state? 

-Carmen E. 

Chico, CA 

At home, she can study great literature, dance, ribbons, etc., but abroad is where she’ll do the most for your family name and land holdings. However, a woman is only as good as her musical aptitude. I can only assume your daughter has mastered the art of the lute before pursuing this University idea. 

Dear Princess Queen, 

I’ve cut extra expenses like coffee and avocado toast, but I’m still unable to put money into savings! Is there something else I should be doing? 

-Emma 

Boston, MA 

It sounds like you have extravagant tastes! While I have never had an avocado, I’ve heard about them from a merchant en route to Peru, and they sound exquisite. How you have cut such an exotic expense from your rolls and still have nothing to save is baffling. Are you spending too much on fine silk cloth? It may be the fashion to drape yourself with as many yards as you can muster, but shortening the train of your gowns might afford you a savings account and a coffee occasionally! What a delightful thought.

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