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By Raymond Lesser

Lost: Dirty Gray Cat. Answers to the name Schmutzy. Likes to be scratched between the ears, but don’t try to pick him up by the belly or he’ll scar you for life. I’m speaking from experience. Makes a kind of asthmatic wheezing sound when he’s purring. May be allergic to something. Possibly cat hair, according to the vet. I know, that could be a big problem. Might even be why he ran away, but when we try to vacuum he attacks the vacuum cleaner and often the person using it. Please don’t try to lure him to you by feeding him, if you find him, he’s on a very special diet which involves pureeing whole mackerel and lots of expensive cat supplements in the blender. My blender. The one I used to use to make smoothies. You ever try to make a smoothie in the same blender after it’s had a whole mackerel blended in it? The taste never goes away. If this cat sounds like a pain in the butt you’re right, he is. It must be karma from a past life. I’ve been told by my psychic that I was once a prince and he was my valet and now the roles have been reversed. Except that he was a lousy valet. But I guess since I managed to lose him I’m not so great at this job, either. Anyway if you see a dirty gray cat that looks lost send me his picture and location and I’ll come get him. What choice do I have?

Found: Abandoned on the Curb, 27 Empty Amazon Boxes. They’re dry and in almost perfect condition. Looks like they may have only been used once. Would make great large scale building blocks for kids, material for soap box derby or sculpture, useful for anyone moving at the end of the month. Or how about this: Maybe Amazon could pick them up and use them to deliver more crap to our doors instead of us having to spend our tax dollars for the city to pick them up and take them to the dump. Just a thought.

Lost: Another Weekend. It’s already Sunday night and what have I done? Have I written a chapter of the Great American Novel? Have I painted the extra bedroom? Have I even made a pot of soup that I could have for leftovers the rest of the week? No. Instead I read a trashy novel (for inspiration!), and tried to take back the paint I bought last weekend that turned out to look like puke once I started putting it on the wall, and of course they wouldn’t take it back. What am I going to do with a gallon of puke colored paint? And instead of cooking a good nourishing soup out of all the great ingredients I bought at the farmer’s market I ordered Door Dash for a cheeseburger and fries, and now I feel sick and can’t get to sleep and tomorrow is my performance review. I’m glad I don’t have a performance review of how I spent my weekend.

Lost: Keys. They’re on a silver ring with several charms, a New Orleans Saints lanyard, a miniature voodoo doll, and three fobs, one of which opens the gate to my parking garage, but I’m never sure which one it is so I keep all of them. I’m also not sure what most of the keys on the ring do, but why would I have put them there in the first place if they weren’t important? I know one of them opens my ex-girlfriend’s apartment, but I haven’t given it back because of the restraining order and I haven’t thrown it out because I’m still hoping we’ll get back together. I also have one for my parents house in case of an emergency, except I think they changed the locks since the last time I had to crash there, but I’m hoping they forgot about the one on the side porch door.

Found: Journal at the College Coffee Shop. Pages are filled with hand written poems and/or grocery lists. I can’t tell because the poems all seem to be about food or maybe I’m just reading too much into your grocery lists. For example: “Lean Cuisine? How much Mac and Cheese is enough? Jonathan, his girlfriend, your cousin Bob. One more gluten-free option (and I will go mad!)” The cover is brown with a hand drawn illustration of a bowl of Cheerios. I couldn’t stop reading. You are incredibly talented, or maybe I’m just obsessed with grocery lists. You can find me in the corner of the coffee shop most mornings clipping coupons from store flyers and eating a day-old bagel.

Read the April 2024 Issue Online

2 thoughts on “LOST AND FOUND”

  1. Susan the procrastinator here. I know I need to renew my subscription to Funny Times. Maybe I’ll do it today. So much to do and so little time. Thanks for keeping it funny.

  2. The humanity and collective quirks we share shines through. I now carry only two keys. It eases the memory strain and makes replacement easy.


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