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In Another Life

In another life I am tall, dark and handsome instead of stooped, bald and interesting looking.

In another life I can see stars, galaxies, and the Milky Way out my window every night instead of the flashing neon sign from Psycho Suzi’s Tiki Garden.

In another life my home is my castle instead of what seems to be the permanent residence of several construction crews competing to blame each other for the delays that have been occurring for months while they smoke, do crossword puzzles, and text jokes to their pals doing the same thing at a construction site on the other side of town.

In another life my basement rec room is filled with pool, ping-pong, and air-hockey tables instead of two feet of standing water from the pipe that the excavator cracked.

In another life my children set their alarms and wake up before I do, have my breakfast and coffee made when I come downstairs, and are eager to walk to school to explore the knowledge of the universe instead of being inert in bed until five minutes before they have to be out the door no matter how many times we yell, scream, threaten, and beg them to get up.

In another life I am the father of a scientist who has discovered the secret of life instead of a guy looking for a midnight snack when he discovers his son’s “secretions of death” science project inside what he thought was a jar of strawberry jam.

In another life I spend Saturday night out dining and dancing with my sweetie instead of home monitoring my kid’s rash and fever while searching the internet for a better deal on car insurance.

In another life I had straight A’s in school, got a scholarship to an Ivy League college and wound up as a Professor of Classics in Paris instead of a cartoon editor in Cleveland.

In another life I run five miles in the morning before I even eat my Wheaties instead of running to the bathroom five times before I eat a bran muffin and drink my prune juice.

In another life I am an intrepid and adventurous explorer who finds the most interesting historical sights and cultural curiosities, using only my wits and multi-lingual abilities instead of being a tourist who only speaks English and gets hopelessly lost even with GPS and a guide book.

In another life I’m the guy who can see what’s coming even when I’m wearing a blindfold instead of the one who bangs his shin on the dresser in his own bedroom.

In another life I am a world-famous movie star instead of the guy seen running for his life chased by a pack of wild chihuahuas in a viral YouTube video.

In another life my beard and mustache make me look like a sophisticated philosopher instead of an old guy who can’t remember what he did with his razor.

In another life I hike to the top of the tallest mountains and plant my country’s flag. Whereas in this life I grunt and moan just getting to the top of the stairs.

In another life my name is in the paper because of my great contributions to the betterment of the community instead of because I forgot to pay my real-estate taxes on time, again.

In another life I am the inventor of a miraculous energy saving device that has the potential to get rid of the need for fossil fuels entirely. In real life I have invented a way to keep my son from eating all the potato chips by hiding them in closet with the broom and dustpan which he has never used in his entire life.

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