Marvel Studios Presents: The Lesbian Avengers

Some friends of mine used to be in an activist group called Lesbian Avengers back in the 90s. They would do badass things like march through the streets without permits to protest unjust laws. In a superhero obsessed culture, I like to imagine what Lesbian Avengers would be able to accomplish with a Marvel budget. 

Instead of an underground bunker, our squad convenes at a commune in Western Mass called EarthSong. They realize that separatism is out of style and instead have a radically inclusive working farm and vegan cafe where everyone is welcome, except transphobes, racists and Republicans. They grow their own tea leaves and host monthly moon circles. At least this all of what’s listed  on their website (www.EarthSongWimmin.org/aboutus) – but there is more to this idyllic spot than meets the eye. 

Remove these three titles from the floor-to-ceiling bookshelf in in exactly this order: (1) Our Bodies, Ourselves; (2) Sister Outsider; (3) Stone Butch Blues. WHOOSH. The entire wall lifts up and we are in the command center of the Lesbian Avengers. 

The first person we encounter in this softly lit lair that smells of lavender and patchouli is a burly butch in a leather vest. Towering over us at eight feet tall, Karheart is security detail for the Lesbian Avengers. She used to be a bodyguard for the Indigo Girls and she is strong as an ox with an intimidating scowl, but show her cat videos on your phone and she melts. Incidentally, cat videos are the password to get into this place! Specifically videos of cats making friends with small creatures like baby ducks that they really should be eating. 

Karheart lets us pass and we come to a huge bay of monitors where a non-binary lesbian with a shaved head and skinny sunglasses like in the Matrix is furiously typing as lines of code race past them on the screen. This is X-Acto, a master hacker who can drain the bank accounts of billionaires with a few keystrokes. Their next project is top secret – something about NFT’s for the revolution. They are drinking a half gallon Nalgene full of iced coffee. 

A zaftig woman in a long flowing skirt and flower crown saunters over and grabs the iced coffee, replacing it with a steaming mug. “That stuff will wreck your nervous system,” she coos, “try this reishi mushroom tea instead.” This is Amberwitch. She’s an initiate of an ancient order sworn to protect the vulnerable. She makes tinctures and salves that can heal bruises, restore hope in humanity and end unwanted pregnancies. No one can tell if she is always a little bit stoned or just really at peace with herself. She has a tarot deck that can actually predict the future. 

Next we meet Kit and Kat Coleridge, who are girlfriends, not sisters, thank-you-very-much! You wouldn’t know from looking at them. They are nearly identical with short spiky hair dyed a different color every week. They both wear t-shirts from the little boys section and their latest project is infiltrating Florida schools and shouting “GAYGAYGAYGAY” at the top of their lungs. 

And finally, Ü-Haul. The Lesbian Avengers keep him around to do domestic labor. Today he’s making a big pot of tempeh chili because you can’t fight the patriarchy on an empty stomach!

Goddess knows we need the Lesbian Avengers now more than ever – and who’s to say they’re not real? We know they existed in the 90’s; maybe they’re still among us today. So be extra nice to the next lesbians you meet, they just might be plotting our collective salvation. 

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